Wrecking Ball
by fadedink26
Summary: WARNING: The following story has the following side-effects: May induce violent mood swings ranging from euphoria to homicidal urges, may produce heart attack like symptoms and mild to moderate tourettes. Obsessively checking for updates is to be expected as a sudden and unexplained hatred of people named Mackenzie. Do not attempt to read in one sitting.
1. I will always want you

I'm dragged, from the depth of sleep that had come too late and ended too quickly by a noise just beyond my door. There was the distinct shuffle of feet, with a mix of hoarse curse words and the jingling of keys. I wasn't alarmed; instead I buried my head under my pillow and tried to drown it out. It would be over soon. I knew what it was; this was now a familiar sound. It came about twice a week, distressed my sleep and brought several noise complaints from my neighbours.

That sound was Gail ... drunken Gail trying to gain access to my apartment. This is actually better than before. Before I was greeted with loud obnoxious shouts from beyond my door, which bellowed my name and demand access. So I had given her a key. The noise complaints did not stop.

There it was again, the scratching sound as the key scraped along the metal that was the keyhole but not quite gaining entrance. It was like a hungry alley cat, in a metal trash can. It grated my nerves. I should get out of bed and help, but I'm lazy. No I'm tired too tired to move, too tired to deprive myself of the warmth that is my queen size bed.

There is a clicking sound and it seems entrance is gained as the next sound is the door – slamming. I expect noise complaints tomorrow. I don't mind Gail coming over. In fact I love it when she does but ...

The apartment comes to life as lights are clicked on and off, heavy feet shuffle along squeaking hardwood floors and something heavy drags along the floor. Her duffle bag. The TV joins the party offering the ending of some late night show and the fridge offers up its serving – usually a beer. While the cupboards applauses welcoming her presence or rather her idle inspection of them. I want to get out of bed and ask no demand for her to stop making so much noise at this ungodly hour. My sleep ridden eyes, steal a glimpse of the green neon lights of my alarm clock that tells me its almost 11pm, but instead I snuggle deeper into the warmth of my bed. It will be over soon, at least that's what I tell myself.

Some time later when I'm finally falling back to sleep, the noises stop and I'm back in the silence and peace that the night usually brings. Lighter feet shuffle in the bedroom and the distinct sounds of buttons becoming undone, zippers pulling and clothes being disregarded can be heard.

Then the bed dips and though it's a queen, she manages to find me tucked to the furthest end of the it and she reaches for me. Pulling the sheet away as it tries to deny her access, but her demand is greater than its will and she wins this round. Her mouth is on my neck sucking teasing and there goes my desire to wear a no collar top tomorrow. She whispers drunken inaudible nothings – but I know what they are. 'You're so beautiful and I want you so much' the typical straight girl moves. It's the only one she knows, but I'm easy, so they work most times. Okay all the time.

Her hands are clumsy but eager as they seek me out, finding a breast that's too excited to be touched by her. She groans in frustration and pulls impatiently on my nightwear, clearly annoyed that I had chosen to wear the offending garment.

She moves on top of me, perched like a jockey ready to run the derby and lifts my top seeking my belly button and for the first time I allow myself to respond, running my hands though her golden strands and holding her head to me, but her fingers round my hips and pull on the underwear and my body betrays me by hips rising and the underwear is disregarded. With the slightest of touches my legs open shamelessly to receive her and when her head lowers my world ellipses complete with arching back, fingers grabbing sheets and chorus sounds. There will definitely be a noise complaint from the neighbours.

She's no pro, I'm not even sure, she knows what she's doing but what she lacks in experience she makes up with enthusiasm and her willingness to please. In her drunken state her movements are sloppy and rushed but with a steady hand I slow us down, I guide, teach and bend her to my wanton desires until a release is inevitable and when its reached I moan the sanctity that is her name. My breath catches and lungs heavy but I'm blissfully happy as she moves above me once more, hungrily seeking a kiss as our bodies connect head to toe, skin against skin, hips touching, breasts heaving, sweat staining and I anticipate round two, but she relaxes on me, burrows her face in my neck and as we lay there, I stroke her back and wait as her breath evens out and I know she's fallen asleep. She got what she came for – her midnight snack and I do all that can be done. I hold her and try to fall asleep. She will sleep like a baby tonight and won't remember much of this tomorrow, while I will lack sleep but have a total recall memory.

**_Enjoy and let me know if you want to read more. I cant decide if its a one shot or if its itching for more to be told._**


	2. Running for my life

"Hol ... Hooollly" I'm being called and shaken from sleep, but this time its soothing not the offending clanking noises of last night. "Rise and shine sleepy head." With robot like obedience I sit up, legs swinging to the floor and I hunch over awkwardly, my eyes never opening. I can sleep sitting up – watch me. I can hear the dresser draws opening and something made of soft fabric is tossed at me.

"Now put these on" Gail instructs and my eyes squint to see that she's given me athletic clothing. I stand awkwardly like a calf taking its first steps and a cup of something cold is placed in my hand. I gulp it, spitting and coughing instantly. I earn a chuckle from her.

"What the f..!" its too early for curse words. "What is that?" I demanded.

"My special hangover remedy" she states. I raise an unimpressed eyebrow.

"I'm not hung over. I'm tired and it's too early. Why are we even up? How can you even be up" the clock tells me its 5am. So literally I got one hour sleep, because I was falsely imprisoned in bed, by the corpse like body that was Gail when she slept.

"Our run" she states. "and the juice is a good pick me up." Gail takes a swig from her bottle. "Look at me, you could never tell that I pretty much drank the bar dry last night." she chuckles at herself and sits on the edge of the bed tying her laces. I'm very impressed she's already dressed and she did so soundlessly.

"Our run?

"You said you would love to join me sometime." Sadly I recalled the conversation but to be fair she was kissing my lips and playing with my hair and I would have admitted to murder if asked. So my agreement to join her, was technically forced. I wasn't a fan of running.

"Come on it will be fun," she sounded like a small child excited to go on the roller coaster. "I'll take you on my favourite route." All five miles of it? I wanted to ask, but didn't. It would have come across rude. "You'll enjoy it." She continues. "Its beautiful this time of day, there are no people which is perfect cause they ruin shit." My eyes are wide with distrust. I shook my head. I can't see this going well for me.

"Rain check?" I ask hopefully maybe I could get out of this, even for a day.

She shakes her own head, takes the cup from me and re hands me the clothes. Giving me the look, the one which is normally reserved for suspects before she handcuffs them and I strip shamelessly, finding underwear and sports bra in the process, which felt one size too tight. I doubt it was mine. In fact I'm sure it wasn't. I didn't wear sports bras. Maybe I should give her, a draw and closet space? Her stuffing laundry in whatever draw was the emptiest at the time was messing up my meticulous sorting system.

Finally dressed, I flop on the bed and apply socks to cold feet, and then she kneels in front of me and smiles. That toothy smile that's catching and drunks me with the same effect that two bottles of beer will. She takes my feet and bounds them in sneakers and I'm stone still, watching her, waiting.

"Don't look so nervous, it's going to be okay out there. I'll protect you" she looks to the window into the darkness of the early morning then back at me. I nod, because I can't find the courage to tell her, it's not just outside that I'm scared of, it was what was right there in the room with us.

This unspoken unknown that hung between us, haunted me and kept me up at nights thinking and debating, rationalizing and making myself miserable while she slept.

Since the kiss there was no discussion, no active conversation of what we were doing, or what this was. We had just fallen into this Hodgepodge mix of dinner and movies on my couch, sex, phone calls, shared laundry and me cooking dinner and expecting her to be there, but most times she wasn't and when she did turn up, it had gone cold, but she still ate it and that was promising, but it wasn't working; I was bending to bridge the gap between us and the strain was taking its toll.

The worst is that I think I'm in a relationship with her, her small introduction to Chris and her brother seemed like an unspoken understanding that we were together, but there was that word again 'unspoken'.

Can I tell her that this wasn't working as well as my fanciful imagination had hoped?

Can I get what I need from her without scaring her?

I just don't know and what I do know worries me.

I'm an emergency situation just waiting to happen and I really don't want Gail to leave the tree.

"Good" she replies to my nod and presses her hands to my cheeks and kisses me.

Then she instantly regrets her decision and pulls a face. "Go brush your teeth and we can go". I laugh and do as instructed.

* * *

"You got to stretch Stewart!" We were standing outside on the curb in front of my building and Gail showed her flexibility by bending this way and that as she worked out the kinks in her muscles. I wondered if it would take that level of flexibility to make a relationship with her work.

I was cold and my nerves uneasy. My eyes darting about the place, ever on the alert for that unknown serial killer in a white nondescript van. I attempted a stretch technique my bones creaked and cracked and cussed me with every movement but I tried. I tried for my sake, I tried for Gail, and I tried for the sake of our relationship.

"See not so bad, now let me show you a couple more." She moved towards me, holding me and bending me and twisting me, my muscles revolted but my skin rejoiced. Then with a tap on my butt. A term of endearment I'd grown to appreciate we were off, running in the cold and stillness of the night, because by all account, no right minded person would call this morning. They would be in bed sleeping because it was still night.

Come one Stewart keep up!" Gail demanded two miles later a couple of paces in front of me. "We are almost back". I had stopped short, bent over, clutching my hips and heaving, my chest burnt and it felt oddly like dying. This was not normal.

"I thought you were athletic" she jogs back to me. "Batting cages remember?" that well defined brow of hers tipped up. I roll my eyes.

"This has nothing to do with athleticism;" I warned. "Athleticism has to do with the ability to use one body to perfect techniques with a measure of competence that are ordinarily incidental to that sport. Such as the well honed skill of hitting a ball with a bat." I breathed heavily. "This ... this ..." I wave my hand wildly as if it makes my point clearer. "Is not a sport, its running everyone can do it. Its torture and pointless and at times endless. Its self inflicted torture. Why would anyone do this? Its not even fun. There is no goals, scores, strategy or fancy sports equipment. "

Blue eyes brightened in the dawn kissed morning. "So the fastest man in the world, is not athletic? Usain Bolt is not an athlete?" her fists anchor her hips and its almost like she dares me to object.

"He runs, we can all do that, he's just faster, put a lion behind anyone of us and we'd move just as fast." I shrug finally being able to stand tall and I mop sweat stained hair from my forehead. I hated running, and never considered it a sport just something you did while playing actual sports.

She looks at me quizzically, like in disbelief of what she just heard, and then she nods. "All right, rest over. One block left then you never have to endure this particular brand of torture again." She turns on her heel and runs off and I attempt to keep up. I can't tell if she's mad at me somehow. Had I been too honest?


	3. Never meant to start a war

I ran up the last flight of stairs huffing and puffing just as Gail stops at the apartment and keys the door. I take a moment to catch my breath leaning on the wall while she opens it. It's a process, not because my door is particularly hard to open, but because she's got her house keys, my apartment keys, keys to her brother's place and lots of random ones that she no longer remembers where they belong on a single bunch. Also she hasn't bothered to learn the distinct markings and colouring of the keys to make identification easier. So it's a process, a noisy one, which includes her cursing under her breath. I should help, but the last time I did she snapped _Why give me a key if you don't want me to use it when I come over, Holly?! _I hate when she puts a question sign at the end of my name. It's unsettling, I can just imagine how suspects feel. I didn't see her for three days after that, so lesson learnt. I'm leaving her to it.

"Gail, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said …what I said back there." I'm taking the opportunity to apologise because she is stuck. She can't get in the apartment and she won't run off into the street. "I get off on rants sometimes and I'm sorry. I know you enjoy running. That was insensitive of me."

She stops, looks at me, then to her keys, swinging them idly on her fingers for a bit – because clearly I have given her much to ponder before she looks back to me.

"Yeah, fine." It wasn't much, but I will take it. I smile but it's not returned, she back to forcing the wrong key in the hole.

My neighbour to the left, Mrs. Burns peeps out, like she's doing recon work before she steps fully into the hallway. With a nod and a lopsided smile, I greet her good morning. She smiles at me, glances at Gail who just told the door an expletive.

"Holly I hate to complain … but" her voice drops in volume and she eyes Gail. "Your …" she doesn't know what to refer to Gail as. I share her concern. "Was a little noisy last night in the hallway, scared me right out of my sleep".

I like Mrs Burns, she's a good neighbour. Not really fussy, collects my packages for me, house sits when I'm out of town and always bakes me pies. So the fact that she's concerned about the noise meant it was loud and disruptive. I know it was loud and disruptive.

My face flushed, "I know Mrs. Burns and I'm sorry, we were so noisy" I apologise. "We'll try to be quieter next time."

Gail isn't looking at me; I doubt she's listening or understand that I'm apologising for her. Instead she's giving my neighbour what could only aptly be described as the 'stink eye'. It's making Mrs. Burns uneasy.

"Maybe your … friend" Mrs. Burns proceeded boldly. "Could come earlier in the night, that ways it's not so disruptive and you ladies could be less noisy when you ... Well you know" she offers. I seem to have lost my voice in the moment, embarrassment did that to me. Was I really that noisy?'

"Why don't you mind your own business." that's Gail, finding her voice where I had lost mine. "What we do, when we do it and how Holly thanks me for doing it. Is not your concern." Her voice was eerily cold and a little husky. It cut the tension among us like glass. She shoves the bunch of house keys in my hands and I open the door in 3 seconds flat. "Now go away" she demanded of Mrs Burns.

"I'm sooo sorry Mrs. Burns ..." I glanced at Gail and she folded her arm in defiance. "We'll try to keep it down." I promised. Apparently annoyed with my response, Gail backs into the apartment and disappears.

"That one has no manners Holly." I felt like I was being scolded and hung my head in response. "You deserve better, so why don't you ask for it?" Mrs Burns had prior knowledge from our grocery shopping trips. We did them together, because she didn't have a car and I did and the trips up the steps were hard on her knees and I didn't mine carrying her bags.

"I'll .." I felt her touch my cheek, with the softness that only a mother could. "I'll talk to her." she doesn't move, just stand there silent in the moment and I can tell she's deciding whether to believe me or not, cause we have had this conversation before. Finally she nods.

"I'll make apple pie for you later" she promises and I smile because it's my favourite comfort food and I needed comfort. I watch her descend the steps before entering my apartment locking the door behind me. It was time to have a talk with Gail.

* * *

The apartment is quiet except for the distinct sound that is the shower running and I head to the kitchen to pour myself some coffee and make breakfast before heading to the bedroom.

Wrapped in a towel, fresh from a shower. Gail helps herself to the coffee I'm drinking. So I help myself to the one I brought her, while she inspects the closet.

"Why do you wear so much blue and fannel" she complains, but pulls just that from my closet clearly intent on wearing it.

"Gail ..." I proceed cautiously "We talk right?" she digs through the draws and surprisingly finds her own undergarments. Maybe there was a method to her madness.

"Is it about the old hag in the hallway?" she glances at me, while she makes a choice between dark blue or black underwear.

I frown. "Maybe we could try to be a tinny weensy bit quieter." I gesticulate with my index finger and thumb. "I don't think Mrs Burns request was that unreasonable and we could have been a little nicer to her this morning." I'm using 'we' to temper the conversation, trying not to lay any blame specifically on her.

"We aren't noisy". She insists. " ... or rude. She needs to mind her own business." She decides on the black panties.

"Yes it was a private thing to discuss and I would have preferred not to, especially in the hallway but I think Mrs. Burns has a point Gail." She looks annoyed, the typical eye roll and raking her hand through her hair in frustration are on full display. "Last night … you had trouble with the keys .." I leave out the again, at the end of the sentence. "I just think we need to be more considerate to my neighbours."

She moves to me, her arms snake my waist as she lets her towel fall and my throat dries. "The door made noises. Loud noises." I forged on, I would not be deterred. She licks her lips and pulls me in closer. My hands are stuck between wanting to touch her breasts and ward off her advances.

They touch her breasts.

"You could come here earlier in the nights, that wouldn't be so bad? Would it?" She steals a kiss her fingers moving to tangle in my hair. "We …would have… more time". It's hard to talk when my tongue is otherwise occupied. I hear her groan or moan. I couldn't tell if its frustration at me talking or desire fuelling her responses.

"Or we could spend time at your apartment?" I offered because I had never been there. In fact she avoided talks of her apartment altogether. We edge the bed and she kisses harder.

"You talk too much. I don't want to talk" She tugs at my clothing "I just want sex before work. Cant we just have sex?" it was a plea.

"And then we can talk?" maybe I could get a deal out of this.

"Sure okay" she promises pushing me on the bed...

* * *

"So maybe if we separate your keys onto different key chains, you'll know which is which. That way coming into the apartment at night is easier and quicker?" I'm sitting in bed … naked, a pillow between my legs covering all the way up to my breasts. Why did modesty always find me after sex? Gail was dressing for work.

"Hmm, okay."

"And we could play the radio to drown out the noises … like we did just now."

"Okay". Dressed, she hands me the brush and comb and sit before me and I ease up to braid her hair. Her phone beeps; she glances at it then sends a quick message to whoever it was.

"and maybe we could spend some of the nights over your place?"

No answer. Just a shrug, which told me nothing comforting.

"Gail..."

"Hmm?"

"Are we in a relationship? Like a couple?" I'm met with silence. Silence so long that it grew awkward. "Or do you want to keep this a secret confined to my apartment?"

It was a bold line of questioning, but she had her morning coffee, eaten breakfast and had sex. She was in the perfect state of mind to answer and after 4 weeks, I needed to know besides she promised we could talk. Her phone rings. She glances at it but disconnects the call.

"I have to go." She decides standing. "I'm going to be late. Parade is at 9".

"Gail, I'm trying to talk to you. Can't you just take a few minutes to talk about this? Talk about us?" It felt like she was retreating.

"Some of us have a job to do Holly." Her 'default' setting seems to have been switched on. Mean and snarky. "We can't lie around in bed naked all morning!" she snaps before heading into the living room. The door clicks open and closed and she's gone. I sag against the headboard dejected. So much for talking and sharing my concerns.


	4. Jumped never asking why

The day was moving painstakingly slow and though I was late for work this morning, it hadn't seemed to move any faster. Yet it wasn't for lack of work, there was plenty of that. Lots of paper work, I just wasn't up for it. I was tired mentally and psychically. I'd nodded off twice, while trying to read the report in front of me. Snapped at my intern three times and drank my fourth cup of coffee. I was irritable to say the least. My phone beeped... again. It was getting annoying, like a mosquito buzzing in my ear but I didn't bother checking it this time.

It was Gail; I'm sure of this. This would be her 12th text message before noon and her 5th phone call. I had ignored them all. If I spoke to her, whatever I said was not going to be pleasant but spiteful and nonproductive. I was hurt, hurt that she could so flippantly disregard my clear concern about our relationship and walk out while I'm talking to her.

Her text messages was a series of ..

_'Hey' _

_'Patrolling with Ollie! Awesome!"_

_'Want me to bring by lunch?' _

_'Why aren't responding?' _

_'Busy?'_ Yes.

_'Are you mad?'_ Now she was getting the picture.

_'Is it about this morning? I had work Holly.' _

_'My work is important. You know that.'_

_'Don't be so sensitive!'_

_'I like you. You like me.'_

_'Don't complicate it'._

_'Fine don't respond. See if I care!'_

"A little bird told me that I should stay clear of you today". Came the voice behind me and I turn slightly on the swizzle stool to see Mac - Mackenzie one of my closet colleague and friend. She leaned against the door to my office her arms folded hugging a report.

"The little bird was right." I agreed laughing lightly as I adjusted my glasses.

Without heeding her own warning she crosses the threshold. "You look like crap. You know that right?" she touches my hair, giving me a disapproving look before letting her hand slide to my shoulder . "Let me guess. Gail?" she asks, taking the stool beside me.

I nod, closing the report before me. I may as well take a break I was edging on diminishing returns. I always looked like crap after Gail slept over so now it was a running joke between us.

"You know, you could just tell her." Mac offered. "Maybe she just doesn't know. Maybe she's used to being the one catered to in the relationship, so she doesn't realize when she's taking advantage and just maybe her previous girlfriends' let her." I hadn't told Mac that I was Gail's first girlfriend. It wasn't my truth to tell.

I give a noncommittal nod, because our sleeping arrangements or Gail taking advantage was the least of my problems now.

"She doesn't want to talk about us, and what were doing." It was a complaint on my end.

"Oh you wanted to have, the lets 'define the relationship' talk? Hmm ... 4 weeks in right?" Mac muses as her elbow takes respite on the desk and her hand comes to her cheek.

"Yeah."

I'm not typically the girl who needs the definition talk. In my past relationships definition had not been a problem. After a series of dates and what they said and did, made it clear what path we were on. My issue with Gail is that she doesn't want to talk period and she signals she does give are confusing. She doesn't want to share anything about her friends, her life, or her family. Yet she wants to always hangout on my couch, eat my food, wear my clothes and have sex.

So I feel lost and helpless because I'm sitting on the passenger side of a Japanese automobile on a deserted country road, with no map, no roadside assistance, and no idea where I am or going and the person with the steering wheel is a crash test dummy.

Mac bit on her lower lip for a moment. "Still haven't met her friends? Gone on a real date? Slept at her apartment?"

"No" I respond. Gail's one word responses seem to be catching.

"Yet you cook her dinner, do her laundry and dry-cleaning, she wears your clothes and she has her own keys?" Mac seems to be reading my thoughts.

"Yes" I sound exasperated.

"Sounds like you guys missed a step."

My brow shot up. "What?"

"Maybe because of the crisis ..." She reasoned.

Mac was referring to the shooting four weeks ago and the subsequent death of Officer Price that had brought 15 Division to its knees. Its aftershocks were still being felt. Every time I had to make a trip over there, the mood was cold and unwelcoming. Everyone who worked there seemed to be tense and on high alert, even though the threat was all but gone. But death did that, it made you take notice of things you took advantage of and makes you more guarded over the things you love and care for.

Officer's Price's death was a wake up call and now a permanent reminder of how dangerous their jobs were. It was a reminder that they couldn't afford to relax or take a break because all that they worked for and converted could be gone with a misplaced bullet. 'Everyone Comes Home Tonight' was a banner posted on the notice board in the precinct and it seemed the officers of 15 took it literally from the moment they  
put on their uniforms to when they took it off. I didn't blame them; I had always worked in close relations with the police, but knowing Gail and spending that night at the hospital with her had brought me to the forefront of the harsh reality they faced so bravely daily. And while Gail insisted that she wasn't really friends with the deceased officer, I could sense that Officer Price passing had greatly affected her. She had lost a friend that day. She just never talked about it at least not to me.

"It propelled the relationship into overdrive." Mac continued. "Made you skip a step or two. You went from first kiss to I need you to make my bad days better". She laughs to herself but reaches to touch my hand in affordance of comfort. "Maybe you just need to revaluate things. Slow things down a bit"

I reflected on that for a moment, because maybe Mac had a point. Maybe we had gone into overdrive and now we were running out of gas. Maybe I was to be blamed for that too. Gail had been a mess after the shootings and I had readily given her the comfort and support she needed, to help her through those dark days. Unweaving I had dried tears, provided open arms, comforting lips and a fully stocked apartment to hide away from the world. Never had I questioned or asked for more in return. I had demanded nothing, so I got nothing. The saying was true, you really do get what you ask for in a relationship.

The reality was however shattering.

Unknowingly I may have singlehandedly created the indefinable existence that is my relationship with Gail.

"Hey no frowning Holls" Mac touched my chin, raising my head in the process. I must have lowered it in self punishment. Her green eyes mirrored my brown ones. "Don't blame yourself. It happens to the best of us." I nod because I can do no more.

"I need you to look over this report for me." She hands over the file she'd brought in earlier. " But later, let me take you to lunch and make your troubles disappear for even an hour" she offers and I raise from the stool indicating my acceptance.

"Mac?"

"Hmm?" she's turning to leave the office.

"You are too good to me, you know that. Why did we ever break up?" I'm wondering out loud because after everything she's been this constant staple in my life.

"I don't know Holls. I ask myself that question everyday…."

* * *

**_I want to thank everyone who took the time to read this. I'm grateful to those who took the time to add Follows, Favourites and especially those who wrote reviews. They have been funny, uplifting and a wonderful motivator to write more. Thanks for your time and your efforts._**


	5. I cant Live a Lie

A/N: Just breathe ...

* * *

I'd sense Gail's presence in my office long before she said or did anything. It had come close to the end of my work day and about eight reports later. It had cast a shadow over the room sucking the air from it and stilling it of life, making the hairs on my skin prickle. It was a striking contrast to the warm gooey mess I'm normally reduced to in her presence. Especially when she held my gaze, trailed a tapered finger down my spine or kissed me quiet. Those memories were now so clearly imprinted upon my heart and mind that at times I trick myself into believing that what she gives is enough and it would be ok not to ask for more. Then there were times like this, when I know my nonsensically heart must give way to reason.

Gail exuberated an odd mix of warmth and callousness whenever she was around. It had a bizarre effect on me, I felt like I was in the presence of a loved one but uneasy at the same time. Like I couldn't quite get comfortable because I didn't know what was causing me to feel so uncomfortable. Much like the princess's problem with the pea. It seems Gail was my mattress and I had to figure out what was the 'pea' under her that was making her so hot and cold, uncaring, abrasive, distant and not willing to give more when there were times when it seemed she wanted to give everything.

She'd been eerily quiet standing at the door, doing what I suspect was a microscopic inspection of the back of my head. She did that a lot… stared. It was another aspect to her I had grown use to but it still left me feeling naked at times. As her presence lengthened along with the silence my back grew an unfamiliar rigid spine, and I felt awkward hunched on my stool trying to read the report Mac gave me earlier.

"Would you like to come in?" I finally invited turning on the stool slightly to look at her. She looked tired, loaded down by the pressures of her job and the uniform she wore. She was pressed against the door jam, arms folded; lips pressed tightly together and for the first time since she'd been there her radio made a crackling sound in the silence. I jumped slightly, she didn't even blink. Her only movement was to cock her head to the side and listen to what sounded like gibberish to me for a few seconds before her radio went dead again.

"You didn't answer my texts or calls." it was an accusation from her.

"I know" I respond easily.

"Why not?" it was an icy demand as she stepped further into the room.

"I am upset with you" I decided to be direct. My bluntness seemed to have surprised her because she jerked, her head snapping at me as she moved further into the room.

"Is it still about the old lady?" she walked around my desk, forcing me to turn on the stool again.

I sat there a little dumb. Weren't we past the hall way incident and on to a discussion about what were to each other? Maybe not past the hallway incident but it was tabled now that there was a bigger issue at hand. Were we having the same conversation?

"Well?" blue eyes threw icy daggers at me. "I saw you at lunch" it was another accusation. I raise a questioning eyebrow because I didn't see how having lunch played into this conversation.

"She. Lip. Looked. You."

My mind immediately did a play by play of my lunch with Mac. It had been just like every other time I'd gone to lunch with her. We'd gossip about work, Mac's love life and mine. She'd fussed about my hair and clothes, while inviting me to go shopping. We would share my fries and Mac would always insist on taking care of the bill. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and what on earth was a lip look?

"Are you trying to punish me Holly? Is that it?" the whispered tone was on full display as she pulled up a stool to sit on.

Maybe I am trying to punish her. I was hurt this morning and maybe not taking her calls was my childish endeavours of making her suffer but lunch with Mac was just something that happened. The fact that Gail seems jealous was a bonus.

"Consider me punished and whoever else had the displeasure of talking to me today. I had a lousy day Holly, I feel shitty. I didn't like seeing that woman hit on you."

"Mac is a co-worker and a friend." it wasn't the whole truth but Gail wasn't in the frame of mind for more details. "I wasn't trying to make you jealous."

"I get it Holly, you were mad, but let's not be childish." She clearly didn't believe me.

"I'm not being childish!" my tone did nothing to expunge my claims. "I'm not upset about my neighbour or trying to make you jealous!" How did she have the ability to sound so calm when upset while I sounded like a shrilly woman? "I'm mad that you left this morning, when I clearly wanted to have a conversation about us and what this is". Her radio made another cracking sound as it came to life and she gave me the 'one moment please' finger gesture as she listened to whatever was being relayed. There was nothing more annoying than being cut short in the middle of a tirade and dejected I flipped or more accurately ripped through the pages of the report while I waited. The longer I waited the more my anger deflated. I was beginning to think it was a tactic of hers.

"I don't like many things and I care about even less things Holly." The radio had finally gone quiet and the only sound left was me turning the pages of the report. Which had stopped mid turn at the sound of Gail's voice. "But for the first time in my life I've met someone who doesn't mind that I wear socks in bed. Who always remembers that I'm allergic to tomatoes, that I don't eat eggs and who always have cheese puffs in the house." She looked at me earnestly and my heart filled. "I have someone who I want to throw my legs across on an idle Sunday and watch TV with, just because. Someone who makes me wants to try really hard to hit the ball with the bat. It hasn't happen yet" she chucked a bit. "But I want to for that someone." She was swinging idly on the stool only looking at me now and then but I knew she was talking directly to me. "Someone who I want to hold and keep protected when the moon creeps in at night and take on my favourite jogging route." She rose from the stool and rounded the table again, her radio booming to life once more and this time she did respond to it before turning the conversation back to us. "Holly that someone is you. I like you a lot. I might even care for you. I just hope that's enough." with that she dashed into a sprint right out of the office, the call on the radio must have been really important.

* * *

Upon opening my door later that evening I was presented with a dish, warm to the touch and smelt absolutely delicious. "Hi" Gail greeted sweeping past me to enter the apartment.

"Hey. This smells delicious, but what is this?" I gracelessly close the door with a foot.

"It's a peace offering" Gail reached to bolt the door. "Safely first Stewart." She shouted making her way to the kitchen.

I follow. "A peace offering?" I place the dish on the counter and peep under the lid curiosity getting the better of me. It looked like mac and cheese or something.

"Yeah, we had a bumpy start today, you were mad, I was perturbed, but now its evening and we can eat this, and while we eat put this God awful horrible day behind us and start a new. You can be you, I can be me and we can be we without the other stuff that complicates it." She was busy raiding the fridge as she spoke for the usual beer then the cupboards for cheese puffs making all the usual noises. I tried not to be annoyed but took this as a perfect segue.

"Gail about that we need to talk. Really talk". She stopped mid action her head peeping out from the cupboard. "More talking?" she refrained from giving me an eye roll but I sensed it.

"Yes."

"Holly. Must we?" the cupboard forgotten she makes her way to me, backing me against the counter her hands on either side. Then she leans in dropping her voice drops to that husky whisper. "We could …." She tries to kiss me.

"Gail … can't we just sit and talk for a bit?" with my palms pressed firmly against her chest I pushed back a bit and she steps back as if being burnt. I could see the hurt in her eyes at my rebuff. "I didn't mean it, I don't mean it like that" I try to apologize but it falls on deaf ears as I'm left alone in the kitchen. "Gail Please!" I follow to where she has retreated to the living room. "I just want to have an honest conversation with you about us." She's sitting on the couch, looking sullen, arms folded in defiance and feet perched on the center table.

"Ok. Talk. I'm listening"

I take the seat beside her and though for the past two weeks. I'd replayed this conversation in my head a thousand times. Created scenarios on where and how and when it would happen as I sat beside her in the moment. I had no voice. I had no words. None of my scenarios had prepared me for this conversation on a random Wednesday night on the living room couch. I wanted my words to be a blended complement of honesty, absent of blame and reassurance but those where hard to come by at times like these and so I started with honesty. It was the easiest to find maybe the others would time with time.

"For about two weeks now ..." I take a deep breath "I haven't really been happy …..."

* * *

I talked and talked for what felt like hours but in actuality were only a few minutes. Then, when I had nothing more to say, no more grievances to air. We sat there, side by side on the couch for what seemed like an eternity. The evening stretched to dusk and danced into the night and still we made no sound, no movement.

"Are we breaking up?" it was a choked whisper that broke the stillness of the room and if it hadn't been so lifeless in the apartment. I wouldn't have heard it.

"We aren't" I promised glancing over at her. "I just think we need to take a step back". Mac's words echoed in my ears and I berated myself for not having found my own.

"It feels like we are" her eyes were stained and she wiped at them while she spoke.

"I need more ….I deserve more from you" I explained. Why did asking for what you deserved made you feel so shitty inside? "And until you are ready for that, we should slow down." I rose awkwardly from the couch, my limbs having fallen asleep.

"OK" she gave no reassurance that she would try harder, give more, make us more public. Nothing but what did I expect. Gail moved to the beat of her own drum and there was no pushing or rushing her. Now that she knew what I needed from her, all I could do was wait. The proverbial ball was in her court.

I went to the bed room and retrieved the duffel bag of all her things; I'd spent the evening packing and bought it into the living room placing the bag on the centre table. She looked surprised but recovered quickly.

"You kicking me out too?" she sat up in the couch, her feet falling to the floor.

"Yes and no. I think you should only come over and sleep over, when invited." There was just no delicate way of saying this.

"OK." Her response was pained. "If that's what you want" she looked miserable but voiced no protest. Standing she shouldered her bag, which seemed to burden her more as she made her way to the door.

"We aren't breaking up Gail." I reassured following her. "We aren't even on a break, just slowing down." She opened the door to leave, but stopped; turning to hand me something she had retrieved from her pocket. It was my house key on a lone key-chain. My heart instantly ached and I reach up to kiss her salty cheek. I lingered for a moment, pulling her in a hug that I did not deserve but needed.

"See you tomorrow?" it was a question; she wasn't sure, even with all my reassurances.

"Tomorrow" I promised.

I closed the door and leaned against it door, my body sinking into a puddle on the floor and for the first time since I told Gail that I wanted more from her. I allowed myself to cry. A cry that released the ache and frustration that had claimed my heart and a cry that was sorrowful for a love that I hoped I had not lost. I hoped that in my need for more, I hadn't lost what I had.

AN: See you made it :)


	6. Came in like a wrecking ball 1

A/N: I woke to many amazing reviews this morning and as a reward for all your support and just all around being brave enough to give my story I try. I wrote another chapter for you :) Enjoy!

* * *

"Whatever you did or whatever you said take it back" that was Officer Chris Diaz accosting me on the corner of the street. He was dressed in full uniform, hands resting on his utility belt as he spoke. He looked sharp and official and I felt guilty of a crime I was yet to commit.

"Officer Diaz" I greeted slightly startled. The formal greeting felt strangely appropriate.

I had just stepped out of the green grocery, having picked up fresh oranges when he pounced. I had spoken to him on a few occasions since meeting him that night in the hospital, but it had always been on police related matters and always at my lab, where I was more at ease. This was our first road side encounter.

He leaned in closer, a boyish grin framing his features. "Sorry. I know that when a police officer stops you on the street it can be scary. Scaring you was not my intention." He offered by way of an apology.

"Oh okay." I relaxed visibly.

I liked Officer Diaz. He was well mannered, always offered to get me coffee when he was assigned to the morgue. Knew his Medical jurisprudence and never asked tedious medial questions. It was always a pleasure talking to him. He was easy and relaxed. All and all he seemed nice, a decent guy, with a good head on his shoulders. I could see why he and Gail were friends; he balanced her arduous personality with warmth and joviality.

"Gail, she has been a wreck and she's making our lives miserable." he complained. He glanced from me to something in the distance. "So take back whatever you said. Make her happy again."

"Oh. Gail …" her name sounded foreign to my tongue. I hadn't said it out loud in awhile. His thick brows arched demanding more. "I haven't seen or spoken to her". I explained feeling guilty.

He adjusted his stance, turning slightly away from me as he looked up and down the street we stood on and he glanced at his watch. He seemed to be waiting for someone or something.

"I know that." he sounded slightly annoyed. "Hence my life being miserable. Call her." it was a request, but he looked at me so dead on that it felt like an order.

"I did. I have." I had called Gail. We had one very tongue-tied conversation via phone Thursday morning before work. That consisted of mundane information about the weather, work and noncommittal response from the blonde. So I had decided to give her some time.

It was now Saturday morning.

"Are you guys like dating?" his question left me feeling winded and had completely blindsided me. It was a good thing he didn't expect an answer, because I doubted whether I had one. "I think you are, and in her own way. Gail pretty much told me as much." He added. I didn't know how much Gail had told Chris about us, but whatever he did know seemed to be enough for him to be comfortable in the knowledge and ready to help. "So I feel I can offer you this without feeling like I'm overstepping."

I nod slowly, but encouraged him to continue. Advice from someone who knew Gail better than me could not hurt.

"I know you guys had some sort of fight, but if you are waiting on her to make the first move and apologize. Don't hold your breath." He explained. "She's not cut out for that."

"She's like a cat, afraid to cross the water even though what she wants is on the other side." I understood his analogy, but what was it with the cat references? "Put a bridge over the water and she'll cross it on her own" he continued. "But don't expect her to create the bridge. That's just asking for too much."I nod again, my mind filled with thoughts of how to create the bridge.

"Be at the Penny tonight at 7pm" he instructed. "That's the bridge" he said reading my mind " Can you step back into the store for a few minutes." He opened the door for me and just as I was in, there was a crashing sound in the distance and I saw a man in a black hoody and jeans ran in the direction of Officer Diaz with Gail hot on his tail before she tackled him to the ground.

"Do not move!" she warned slightly winded kneeing suspect in his back. "And where were you?" she barked at Chris, pinning the man's hand behind him, cuffing him. It was a technique to be admired, graceful in its execution and done to precision. "This bag of fun here, made me run two blocks. Two freaking blocks!"

"You looked like you had it under control," Chris smiled at her annoyance. "Besides running will do you some good. You know burn off all that pent up frustration." The remark earned him an eye roll.

"How did you know he'd come here?" She pulled the man roughly from the ground and practically slammed him into the police door. Which made him argue something about his human rights. Ignoring his demands for fair treatment and justice she patted him down, retrieved a pocket knife, three wallets and four cell phones each one producing a disgusted look from her.

"This is his usual route." Chris said bagging the items. "Petty thieves are creatures of habits." he opened the squad door and Gail shoved the suspect into the back seat. Then he radioed something in before they drove off.

"Hey, did you get the oranges we need?" Mac asked as I left the store. She'd been in the store next door gathering our other supplies. Her eyes followed mine to the cruiser in the distance.

"Yeah, I did" I sounded distracted. "I got the oranges."

"Was that Gail?"

"Yeah." I confirmed.

"And?"

"and nothing, she didn't see me." I could be mistaken but Mac seemed to have smiled at the knowledge.

"Lets go, or I'm going to be late for my soccer match." She took the bag I was holding and led the way to her awaiting SUV.

* * *

The Penny was full but that wasn't unusual for a Saturday night. I'd been here a few times, late drinks after work, casual hook up on a Friday night and blind dates; it was an easy and somewhat safe date venue. I scouted the bar and the surrounding tables for Chris, but there was no sign of him yet. Why I had mindlessly agreed to coming this evening was beyond me. Part curiosity part idiocy I suppose. Positioning myself at the bar and I ordered a drink, while I casually scanned the room.

"Hey!" I jumped at the voice behind me, turning to see Chris all smiles. "I'm glad you came." he took a drink from the beer he was holding. "For a minute I wasn't sure if you would come."The bartender placed my drink in front of me and Chris placed a few bills on the counter. "You are the guest of honor tonight. You drink for free." Did he say guest of honor?

"Thanks." I give him a lopsided grin, before adjusting my glasses.

"Are you ready?"

"I … um .. ugh." I emptied my glass, suddenly needing liquid courage, and it burned going down making me cough embarrassingly.

"Not so much?" he smiled patting my back before ordering me another drink. "Gail has that effect on all of us. Just remember to be cool." He took another drink from his glass before giving me the once over.

"You look good. Dr. Stewart." He said appreciatively and I blush foolishly. Compliments were always good things. "You're gonna knock Gail's socks off!" He handed me another glass before steering me through the crowed.

"So it's just you, me, Gail and?" I asked suddenly feeling the need for more details as he navigated us to our destination.

"Steve and Tracey."

"Does Gail know I'm coming?" I asked rapidly feeling unsure of the evening, but he didn't answer. Not that he needed to the deer in headlight looks that Gail was shooting me when I came into her line of sight was enough for me to know that my presence here was unknown and maybe even unwelcomed.

"Look who I found at the bar!" Chris pushed me forward to the awaiting table and all eyes turned to me.

"Hi!" Steve and Tracey greeted in union, their smiles genuine.

"Breathe." Chris whispered from behind me and I quickly released the breath I didn't know I had been holding. He pulled up a chair beside Gail and deposited me on it. His hand resting on my shoulder, preventing me from trying to escape.

"Hi" I greeted nervously trying not to stare at Gail. Her jaw line had visibly tightened and her eyes had widened either in panic or anger at my arrival but she had said nothing. Maybe she too was holding her breath.

"Gail its Holly." Chris smiled. I try to stand my body in flight mode, but Chris grip on me tightened, sinking me further into the chair. He was strong, not even fear of rejection could pry me out of the chair. "Gail you were just saying how much you missed Holly." He goaded. "Aren't you happy to see her?"

A deadpan expression and endless silence were two things Gail Peck did very well and as she locked eyes with Chris, daring him to speak no further. The mood around the table darkened. Even the happy expressions on Steve and Tracey faces gave way to uncomfortable shifty glances. I took a drink from my glass, trying to take the edge off. This was the bridge we were presenting to Gail, would she cross it?


	7. Came in like a wrecking ball 2

Steve was the first to recover, and he cleared his throat trying to break the tension. "How about another round of drinks?" he offered. "Gail. Join me." His eyes glancing between Gail and Chris as they glared at each other but his request did nothing to ease the tension.

"Aren't you happy to see her?" Chris repeated the challenge ignoring Steve. With one arm still on my shoulder he placed his glass on the table with a bang having emptied it. They squared off at the table for a beat before Gail rose to her feet. Not quite meeting his height but still equaling his challenge. She drained her own glass and slapped down her glass in a similar flare.

"Of course I'm Happy see Holly." her rigid jaw line curved into a smile that didn't quite go to her eyes as she glanced in my direction. I had to give her credit, her transition was smooth her voice gave nothing away, but I could tell she was pissed. "Steve lets go get those drinks." Steve rose and left with her and I swallowed the lump in my throat and took another drink. I was going to have to be drunk to get through this evening.

"See that wasn't so bad." Chris smiled or rather grinned at me before pulling up his own chair. Tracey still looked alarmed and sipped at her drink in stunned silence.

"I don't know …. Feels like we ambushed her." I was regretting my roll in this.

"Wasn't so bad? That was tense and insane! I thought she was going to hit you." that was Tracey finding her voice.

"I thought she was too." Chris said laughing; he was taking this very lightly. "She probably will later." He conceded. "But it will be worth it, did you see the look on her face?"

"I feel bad. We forced her into a corner." I took another drink; the dryness in my throat was slow departing. "Maybe she just needs more time. I don't want to push her". I was really regretting my roll in this.

"She has been …" Tracey began.

"A pain!" Chris finished for her. "She has been a pain all week. Four weeks before that, all sunshine and rainbows. Even been a real support to us and especially Dov since Chloe's passing." They both took a drink from their glasses. Like they had made some unvoiced promise to take a drink in honor of their friend.

"She's better with you." Tracey added. "And right now we need a better version of Gail especially with Dov barely coping." The knowledge was strangely comforting. I had been so worried that I hadn't been included in Gail's life that I had neglected to take into account that maybe in her own way; she had shared me with her friends. Clearly they knew about me and what I meant to her or at least, they knew we had a 'fight' which had made Gail miserable to the point where she had confessed to them that she 'missed me'. "So on to phase three?" Tracey inquired.

I eyed her inquiringly. "Phase three?"

"You really didn't think Operation Gail was a one part plan did you?" Chris asked.

"No?" So the plan had a name, I didn't think there had been a plan of any sorts. "What was phase two?" my mind was spinning.

"Steve is working on that right now." Tracey responded taking a sip of her drink.

I couldn't help wonder what Steve's part of the plan was in regards to Gail. What would he tell her? What would he make her do and how would it figure into the bigger plan that I didn't necessarily understand myself. I also couldn't help the nagging feeling that maybe manipulating Gail wasn't the best route to take.

"Just relax and remember to breathe." Chris reminded. "Its about to get very uncomfortable." he warned.

"What?" I sounded panicked but Chris ignored me as Steve approached the table.

"Sorry it took so long, the bar was busy." Steve apologized, giving Tracey and Chris a wink. He placed the drinks on the table and retook his seat beside his girlfriend before Gail rejoined the group. She squeezed into her chair which seemed to have moved closer to mine and when she sat our elbows knocked, which caused me to automatically place an arm behind her chair to get more comfortable. A move which was rewarded with knowing looks from my coconspirators but Gail looked uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that she sat straight up in her chair. I tried not to be offended.

Steve steered the conversation easily into topics of music, random trivia, social events and work. Gail had even relaxed in her chair after a while, her head falling back against my arm once or twice when she bottled over laughing at something funny and she'd even smiled at me once or twice and directed a few questions my way. The conversation along with our drinks was flowing easily. So far so good.

"Gail, you were kind of awesome catching that petty crook today." Chris began.

"I was awesome!" Gail boasted proudly giving me a toothy grin. I couldn't help thinking she wore braces as a child. "You should have seen me! Holly!" she elbowed me knowingly and I smile back, reframing from actually telling her that I had in fact been there to witness her awesomeness.

"She pinned him with one tackle." Chris informed us, eliciting a tiny appreciative smile from her. "Tell the story Gail!"

"Story! Story!" came the chants of Steve and Tracey.

"The perp made a dash for it, when I caught him trying to pick a wallet from man." she told the story proudly. "He knocked everything down in his wake, trash cans, old man with a cane, a lady with her grocery, moving faster than Bolt, but I was on him like white on rice." She bragged. "Then I pounced! Sending him kissing the pavement!" she gesticulate her aerodynamic movements with her arms and body hovering slightly off her chair. "Cuffed him in one swoop and threw him in the squad." I laugh; her joy was infectious as she talked about her collar. "I was fucking awesome!"

"You would have been proud of your woman Holly." Chris agreed and there it was the uncomfortable feeling he'd warned me about. It first flashed in Gail's eyes at the suggestion behind Chris's words then hung over us like an omen.

"I am proud of my woman." I said trying playing my part. "I'm very proud of you honey." I said directly looking at her; her expression was tight, like freshly done botox. I patted her thigh which caused her to jump slightly, but instead of letting go, I rubbed it gently. She seemed to get more uncomfortable and reached for her glass draining it as she tried to edge from my reach.

"So how long has it been?" Tracey asked on cue. "How long have you guys been officially dating?" Gail picked at the collar of her sweater and flashed Tracey a narrowed look, which the raven haired woman ignored "a week? 2? 3? " Tracey pressed.

Gail looked to me for support but I provided none. I was just as curious about her answer. "A while …" she finally responded. "… not really keeping track. It's just all been SO much fun." She kicked my shin and smiled at me. "Right babe?"

"Ye…ah" I said pained, my foot was throbbing. It seemed she'd caught on to our little rouse.

"It's nice isn't it?" Steve said joining in. "Having someone in your life that's exclusively yours." he hugged Tracey and kissed her cheek to emphasize his point. "Make you want to shout it to the world and tell everyone who care to listen. Right?"

"I guess." She shrugged. "If you're into that kind of thing." She pushed back her chair and stood. "I'll get the next round." she announced before leaving. "Diaz" she called and Chris rose to assist her. He touched my shoulder before departing and I tried to give him reassuring smile, but it was feeble. Gail was about to hand it to him.

"So that was fun" Tracy announced, the sarcasm was not missed. Steve kissed her cheek.

"It gets better" he promised. "Gail's just stubborn." I could only hope he was right. I excused myself to the bathroom. I needed to regroup and check my shin for permanent damage.

* * *

"Are you?" her question was directed at me. I had just existed the bathroom stall and was making my way to the counter to wash my hands. Two other ladies where in the room and they stopped mid conversation to look at Gail who had just entered the bathroom.

"Am I what?"

"Are you exclusively mine?" Gail leaned against the counter as she watched me busy my self at the sink. "I felt like you were." She continued. "Then you wanted to slow down and now I don't know." She confessed. "It feels like we broke up or went on a break and then you show up tonight and now I don't know." She sighed her shoulders falling. "Maybe I just don't know how to do this 'slowing down' stuff."

I understood her dilemma, maybe in my demand for more I should have given her a list or at the very least some guidelines as to what I wanted and more importantly needed from her.

"What do you want Gail?" She looked up at me unsure. "What do you want?" I repeated. I wasn't being facetious. I really wanted to now.

"You two can leave now." Gail said remembering the other two women in the bathroom. They had long forgotten their purpose for using the bathroom and were now hanging onto our every word. "Leave" she repeated and they scurried out of the room.

"What do you want?" I repeated. This wasn't the time or place or for this conversation but we were having it. I was also going to use a different approach. The last time had been a monologue of how I felt, while she listened in silence. I needed her to be more involved with the solution.

"I want you." she admitted.

"and what do I want?"

"You want an open honest relationship filled with meaningful sex and mutual respect of person and property." She had summarized my Wednesday night triad into one sentence and had done an excellent job of it.

"So how do we both get what we want without either of us feeling cheated or deceived?"

"I have to be more, do more to show that I want to be with you." She was playing with her hands and looking down at the dirty tiled floor. I didn't mind, she was talking for the first time she was talking to me about us. Who cares if she looks at me?

"How?"

"I have to share you with my friends, and we have to talk about stuff … important stuff." She rolls her eyes. "Show PDA, even though I hate when people do it," she makes a face like the thought repulsed her. "And march in a few gay parades." I laugh at the last bit; I didn't expect her to march in anything. "I'm not ashamed to be with you, to be with a woman." She admitted.

"You aren't?" her answer surprised me. "The thought of 'switching teams' doesn't scare you?" it wasn't the best term of reference but it was effective.

"It's not about switching teams Holly." She finally looks at me her offence evident. "It's about finally being on the right one. Being on your team. The team where I am first draft. All the time." The knowledge was refreshing. "What I'm scared of is sharing. I just don't want to share you because sometimes when you share things, they loose them. The more public we are, the more people I have to share you with... Chris, Dov, Steve, Tracey, my mom, dad." She sounded exasperated as she counted off her list of people to share me with.

"Nick and Andy?" I suggested.

"Ech ... " She responded, apparently they hadn't made the cut. "The last person I shared Nick with, stole him" she sounded hurt. "….and the last persons Dov and Tracey shared died. In a moment that caught me by surprise she reached for me and pulled me in a hug, so tight my bones could have crumbled. "I'm scared to share you, cause I don't want to loose you. I can't loose anyone else" She confessed and my heart broke as I held her in the dingy bathroom of the bar.


	8. I fell under your spell

"It was nice meeting you all again." I said giving Chris a hug, then Tracey. It was about two hours later and we were wrapping up a night that had been filled with drinks, laughter, good conversation and all around good company. Gail had really nice friends and I felt honored to be welcomed in their inner circle. Gail had visibly relaxed after our talk in the bathroom too; in her aim to show her commitment she'd held my hand at the table, awkwardly had first and even kissed my cheek.

"Holly, it was a pleasure" Steve smiled pulling me into a hug. "Gail don't keep her a stranger." He warned. She rolled her eyes playfully at him, but nodded.

"We have a shift tomorrow, so don't stay up too late." Chris said with a knowing grin, which earned him a punch on his arm from Gail. He soothed it, feinted an injury, which earned him another hit.

"I won't keep her up too late." I promised putting an arm around her shoulders and pulling her to me, she wrapped her arms around my waist in turn and I pressed a kiss her forehead. This made her friends cheer and left her blushing. With a word of warning from Steve to keep safe we said our goodbyes and made our way to the exit.

"Ugh … Give me a sec, I forgot pay our bar tab." Gail said excusing herself before she disappeared into the crowd. Her friends having departed I waited by the entrance idly for her return.

"Holly?" I turn to the sound of my name. It was Mackenzie fast approaching me. "What are you doing here?" she asked her eyes taking in my appearance. "You look … really … beautiful. A dress… I like …" She stared longer than necessary and I felt goose bumps. "If I had known you wanted to go out tonight, I would have invited you to join me."

"I'm here with Gail." I respond, a smile creeping on my lips.

"So that's back on?"

"Yeah. I would say so. I think we are finally going to get it right." I couldn't help how excited I felt. After weeks of bitching to Mac, I now had good news to share.

"Holly…" she leaned in closer, an outstretched hand resting on the wall behind me. "Are you sure? Really sure?" she sounded concerned.

" I …um ...ye.." I felt flustered. "I mean … I know we have some stuff to work out, but I think we are in a better place." I felt defensive. "I think I understand her more now. I thought you would be happy for me." I looked away feeling wounded. I was sure one of my closest friends would be happy for me, or at least pretend to be.

"I want to be Holls." Mac touched my chin, turning my head so that I was looking directly at her. "But I have been here. I heard your complaints, witnessed your frustration and listened to your cries." She reminded and I felt a shadow of doubt creep in to my heart. "I want you to be happy …" I felt her thumb graze the undercarriage of my lower lip.

There was something about her that had the ability to pull me in and lock me in a trance that felt endless and timeless. As a younger woman I had fallen gracelessly for those emerald orbs, which often held more than they told. I'd often felt they held mystical powers too. Powers of persuasion, suggestion and possession. For years they had kept me blissfully and blindly in love. I had yearned for a single glance only every eclipsed by a kiss and lived for long looks punctuated by the sweet caress of bare skin. It had taken a moment to fall in love with Mackenzie and a lifetime to let go and in all honesty that particular task was still partly unfinished. I always felt like I needed Mac for some reason and she had always been there to give whatever I needed.

I just couldn't shake her, or maybe I hadn't tried hard enough to. "That's all I ever wanted for you" she continued. "but are you sure you'll find that with the officer?" she searched my eyes for an answer that was not forthcoming. I felt unsure; she'd effectively planted a seed of doubt in me. "Take your time. Think it over…there is no rush. Don't let her rush you …" her eyes dropped to my lips and I moisten them unconsciously. "You really do look beautiful tonight". She reiterated as the air between us thickened and in that moment something broke my trance. She had _lip looked_ me. I side step her, straightening my top, though it had been untouched. "I … have to … go." I sounded skittish "I'll see at work on Monday." I said before walking away. I hurried through the crowd to find Gail.

"Did you get bored waiting by the door?" Gail pulled me in by the waist where she sat at the bar. "Sorry, they are busy tonight. We should be done soon.". The bartender handed her an invoice of some sort and she pulled out some money from her wristlet and handed it to him. "Are you okay? You look uneasy…"

"No I'm fine" I deflected. "I just want to go home." I lean in to whisper in her ear. "And make love to you all night..."

* * *

I could see the pulse in her neck thumping widely and I wanted to reach out and run my finger over it but touching her would be like throwing a match on to kerosene.

I made no protest as the zip to my dress was slowly moved down my spine, quivering with reaction as I felt the warmth of Gail's hands against the coolness of my skin, the dress falling unheeded to my waist, the peach lace bra cut low over my breasts and dusky nipples visible through the sheer material.

"I like the colour peach on you" Gail murmured, her eyes flaring with hot desire. "It flatters you"

I moan and whispered, "Touch me."

With one deft movement Gail had unfastened the bra and thrown it to the ground at our feet, one lean hand curling about my bare breast, and the weight of it fitting snugly into her palm. None of our previous lovemaking had prepared me for this, for the trembling ecstasy that flooded my body as Gail's thumb tip flicked across the hardened nipple.

"Beautiful" she bent to caresses the hardened peak with her lips and tongue, her hair like pure gold against my skin. "You're so beautiful, Holly". Her attention passed to the other nipple as she held me into her, one of her hands caressing my hip beneath the dress.

I wanted more than just her caress, moving impatiently against her hand, sighing my pleasure as deft fingers moved beneath the lace of my panties. I was on fire with wanting her, needing her fierce possession. I had waited too long, Wednesday seemed so long ago.

"Take your clothes off, Gail" I encouraged urgently, pulling at her sweater, before removing the garment altogether, kissing her with a heated passion that demanded her to make me hers, here and now. "Gail …" I groan weakly. "Please, _please_…"

She lowers me to the bed quickly, her eyes fiercely dark as she removed the rest of my clothing before shaking off her own. She was beautiful in her nakedness. I had never seen a woman more beautiful and though this wasn't our first time. It was the first time I had taken the time to really look at her. Her skin was smooth and pale, with envious curves that danced beneath them, breasts full and thighs inviting.

I moved to caress her with a fierce tenderness, to kiss her with the mindless pleasure she didn't quite share yet, but which I knew would come. Her head lowered, her mouth closing over one nipple, I gasp, my breasts surging at the intimacy of it all.

"Gail!"

She pulled back, her eyes searing a path over me and then she moved her lips followed the same path, kissing down the center of me, teasing my belly button with the tip of her tongue before stopping at the top of my thighs. She inhaled deeply at my center and I almost dissolved.

"I have to taste you" she said, her fingers seeking me, opening me to her. She placed her mouth against me and I cried out her name as her tongue darted out to taste me, explore me, trace the shape of me, teasing the small part of me that suddenly felt as if I were about to explode.

"Oh, Gail" I moaned again. I closed my eyes as something powerful inched up inside of me with every touch of her tongue. It felt so good … so right … so exquisite. "Ooh!" I exploded with one more stoke, going up in flames like a bushfire sweeping through me, burning everything in sight, leaving nothing of me unmarked. When I opened my eyes, Gail was looking at me, watching with a possessive satisfaction that made my breath catch in my throat. My heart gave a triple beat. I wanted to look away but couldn't. There had been too much between us this week and it had boiled down to this moment bringing with it a longing that could not be detained.

As my breath evened out, she joined me on the bed and I surrendered to the movement, to myself, to her once more. I gasped when her lips moved to my breast again and enclosed a nipple pleasing me into a mindless state even as her hand brushed over my hip and dipped into the junction at my thighs. Her fingers slid between my feminine folds, the hardness of them inside me was intrusion that made me gasp, as they ran around the small, sensitive nub in circles. Sanity began to blur as my world shrank to that one caress, to the sweet tug of her mouth at my breast. I sigh, with each thrust brought new pleasure, her movements slow inside me. I pull her to me, my hands slid into her hair and opened her mouth with a kiss so intense and passionate that I felt she'd become a part of me.

"Yes, Gail, Yes" I heard myself say, twisting and turning, volubly as well as physically inviting her to posses me deeply and intimately. The feeling of her moving against me was just as I had remembered it, all the times we'd made love but now it was more intense. Like comparing a faded photography to the sharp colours of reality. She was finally being more, giving more of herself to me.

I caught my breath on a cry of primal female pleasure as she moved within me, my body urging her deeper. My eyes liquid with emotion as I whispered to her how much I wanted her, how much I needed her. Soon the passion that filled me spiralled out of control and I reached a shuddering climax of ecstasy so strong I felt faint with the release of it. I spiralled down to a hazy aftermath with a series of lingering kisses from Gail before she rolled over and held me in her arms for a few moments. I lean up, hovering above her as she tangles my hair and pulls my lips to hers; they move to her neck, shoulders and soon I'm returning the favour having her cry out my name all the way into the early hours of the morning.


	9. Ashes on the ground 1

"Did you finally have the talk with the police officer like I suggested." My sister asked while we stood in my kitchen that Sunday afternoon. "You know the one where you allow her to be the solution instead of the problem?" I looked up from my task of decorating cupcakes and nodded my response; "Did it work?" she asked. "It should have, works on my students all the time." she smiled feeling proud of herself.

"Yeah it worked," I said thinking back to Saturday night, with the help of Gail's friends and my sister's advise it had worked all too well. "I just can't believe you gave me a classroom technique that you use on your students to help me with my relationship problem."

"Well it worked. So be grateful."

"I am Hilly." I was actually very grateful, that one conversation had brought so many things into perspective. Like the fact that Gail wanted to be with me, she just was having a hard time coming to terms with all the loss she had experienced so recently. That even though she said so little, she was actually trying in her own way to include me in her life and now I was prepared to admit that a little more patience on my side had been needed.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" my sister asked. My phone had rung again for the umpteen time. "It's been ringing all day and you haven't answered it once. "She observed. "Is it the beat cop?" she dusted her hands free of flour before putting another tray in the oven. That was our second batch of cupcakes for her class of 1st graders. Somehow she'd convince me that my oven was much nicer than hers, but I knew my sister well enough to know that the only reasons she wanted to bake here was. One, she could get the details on my love life, without trying to pry it from me over the phone and two, she knew I'd clean the mess she'd make without complaint.

"No it's not Gail, its Mackenzie …" I corrected, my phone had specialized ring tones, which made ignoring calls easy.

She makes a face like she's going to puke. "Why are you still friends with that woman? She's vile."

"Hillary .." I sigh "she's not that bad and despite everything that's happened between us, she's been a really good friend. She's helped me through a lot."

"Most of which she caused! She broke your heart, and then stayed around so that it wouldn't mend!" My sister did not like Mac and she made no effort to hide her distain. "Should I take it that you ignoring her calls is a good thing? "

"I don't know." I shrug picking up another cupcake to decorate. "If I tell you something, can you not blow it out of proportion and just tell me what you think ?". She nods encouraging me to go on.

"Last night I was at the penny with Gail." her face perks up curving into a smile. She liked Gail, for no other reason than the fact that she was not Mackenzie. "… and while I was waiting for Gail, I ran into Mac …Now I'm not sure if I'm right , but there was a moment when she touched my chin and looked at my lips … and … then it felt like she wanted to kiss me."

"Did she? Did **_you_**?" she asked "God that woman is handsy! You **_still_**fall for the chin thing?"

"Did I what?"

"Kiss her." She began decorating a cupcake from my tray.

"No!" Hillary looked relieved. "Why would I kiss her? I'm with Gail!" she nodded her agreement.

"That's right, you are. Did you tell her that?" I frowned; I hadn't said much of anything other than that I needed to go.

"No. I just told her I would see her at work on Monday."

"and then?" her questions felt like an interrogation.

"I found Gail and we came back here."

"and had guilty sex."

"What?! No…"

"Yes. Don't lie. I can read you like a book." Hilary glared. "First thing first. I wouldn't put it past Mac to try to kiss you, while you are on a date with another woman. Probably in hopes that Gail would have seen or something. It would be just like her to try and get you back, just when you are no longer available." She abandoned her efforts of decorating the cake to perch on a stool, her fingers now counting off her list. "Two, if you thought she was going to kiss you, you should have stopped her right there and then and tell her that you were committed to Gail. By the foolishness you did, you didn't stop her, just slowed her and probably encouraged her by acting so unsure of yourself." I liked talking to my sister; she had the ability of putting things into perspective, even if hearing it was sometimes difficult. "Three, you need to tell Gail, straight up no chaser. So that she knows your ex is circling. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. If nothing else, it will keep her on top of her game, makes her think you aren't so available. If you want to play that card but I'm not saying you should." she warned. "If you wait any longer in telling her, its going to look like you are hiding something, and fourth you had guilty sex Holly. Old girlfriend got you worked up and confused and you tried to use new girlfriend to get over that. It's a shitty move, but the best of us do it."

I hated when my sister was right and growing up she'd hardly ever been wrong. I sighed, feeling shitty for the messed up way I had handled the night. I may have instigated the sex for less than pure reasons but I hadn't regretted the outcome. It had been amazing! It had been the first time in all the times we'd been together that Gail wasn't closed off emotionally or physically. She had allowed me to make love her. She had fully and completely given herself to me and in the moment I to her. It was only afterwards as we laid there and Gail whispered how much she cared and how much she wanted me and wanted to be with me that I felt guilty for allowing Mac to touch me the way she did and look at me the way she had. Only Gail should be allowed to do that and I felt like I had betrayed her somehow.

"I know I need to talk to Mac. I'm just not sure what to say or how to even bring it up." I confessed to Hillary.

"What to say?" she looked at me in disbelief. "Tell her that you are off limits and with Gail or better yet, tell Gail and let her go tell Mac and encourage Gail to take her gun, that way she wont need words." Hillary was laughing no doubt finding the humor in it all. I tried to as well but struggled, the problem of my own doing would result with me having two very difficult conversations. Why did I always create problems for myself? I wanted to curl under a pillow and hide. Maybe if I just ignored the problem it would go away all together. Maybe Mac hadn't been trying to kiss me. "Look …" Hillary said touching my hand from across the kitchen island. "Talk to Gail ... Maybe you two can figure out a solution together." She advised. "And finish decorating my cupcakes. I'm not paying you to slack off."

"You aren't paying me at all!" I complained biting into one of the cupcakes.

"Gail?" I had heard a knock on the door and had come into the living room to answer it only to see Gail at the doorway kissing my sister. She looked up at the sound of her name, with the look of horror framing her features.

"Holly?" it was a question for the woman in front of her.

"Hillary…" my sister corrected moving out of Gail's arms.

"Uh…" was Gail's response she even starched her head.

"Sorry! You kind of took me by surprise. One minute I was opening the door, the next your mouth was on mine." Hilary said by way of explanation. Gail looked ill. Hillary turned to me and mouthed 'she can kiss!' giving me a little thumbs up. I tried not to laugh at the expense of Gail.

"Gail, meet Hillary my twin sister." I pull her into a hug, my arms hanging about her neck. "I'm really sorry babe. I should have told you my sister would be here."

"Ah … Yeah. You should have told me." her blue eyes darted between us. I press a kiss to her lips hoping to lighten her mood, but it's not reciprocated. "You guys are completely identical …"

"Not really." I corrected. "Hilly doesn't have the mole …" Gail takes a more in depth look at me, like it's the first time she's seeing me and her fingers trace the mole on my cheek.

"Oh, that's right. The beauty mark." she remembers her manners and extends her arm to my sister. "Nice to meet you, and I'm … I didn't mean to …. Just now"

"No worries" Hilly assured shaking her hand. "You'd be surprised how often this happens. Holly's been kissed by a few boyfriends too". She grins at the knowledge and I nod my agreement before she disappears into my kitchen leaving us alone, but Gail doesn't look assured. In fact she looked paler than usual.

"Hey …it's really okay." I smile my arms still around her neck and I kiss her again. This time it's slowly returned. Like dipping your feet in to check the temperature of the water. "I thought I wouldn't see you for the rest of the day. Thought you'd be tired after your shift."

"I am." She admitted and I finally saw the tiredness sweeping over her features. "But I missed you."

"You saw me this morning." I remained lightly.

"That was ages ago" she complained kissing me. We heard Hilly clear her throat announcing her presence.

"I'm all set to go." She told us. "Officer would you do me the honour of carrying those boxes of cupcakes to my car." Hilly asked and Gail looked at me terrified. It was a ploy though, no doubt Hillary wanted Gail alone play _20 awkward questions._ I release my hold on Gail, giving her a nudge in the direction of the kitchen to get the boxes. Even though she was a police officer, being helpful did not come naturally.

"I like this one Holly." Hillary said whispering. "You have to keep her." She encouraged. "Talk to her…". I promised I would just before Gail retuned and I open the front door for them as Hilary asked her first question.

"So what do you like most about my sister?"


	10. Ashes on the ground 2

"Well that was …." Gail said entering the apartment; she locked the door behind her, latching on the safety before leaning against it. "Interesting." she decided. I laughed my head peeping out from the doorway of the kitchen. She had been downstairs a while, about 20 - 30 minutes with Hillary.

"I'm sorry; I wish I could have prepared you for that. I know Hilly can be … a lot." I felt the need to apologize.

"Its … fine." Gail walked over pressing a kiss to my cheek, her hand snaking beneath the hem of my top warming the skin there. "Hillary was nice." She confirmed before her mouth sought mine and her tongue found sanctuary in the contours of my mouth. "But she's no you …" she whispered before passing to enter the kitchen. "I know you said you had a twin sister. I just didn't expect to meet a family member so soon." I stood there by the doorway breathless. How had she recovered so quickly?

"I met your brother …" I reminded my brain playing catch up. I turn to see her eating one of the left over cupcakes.

"It's not the same." she decided, but I couldn't see the difference.

"I hope you didn't feel ambushed." I was trying to gage her mood. It seemed to have shifted. "I really didn't expect you to be back or I would have mentioned her coming over."

"No its fine." She started looking in fridge and oven and stove top.

"What did you and Hilly talk about?" I felt nosy. I would probably get the details from Hillary later, but it would have been nice hearing Gail's side.

"Just stuff. Regular stuff." she shrugged taking a beer out of the fridge. I deflated. "I'm hungry, where is dinner?" she asked changing the subject. Evidently she wasn't interested in telling me about the conversation.

"Babe, I didn't cook today." I sounded ashamed, like I should have cooked.

"I noticed." she responded flatly and I felt oddly worst.

"Maybe we can order something?" I suggested and she picked up one of the magnetic cards off the fridge before taking out her phone.

"The usual?" she asked showing me the card and I nod. "Hi, yes. I'd like to place an order…" She said to her caller before heading back to the living room taking her beer with her. My eyes scanned the mess that was still my kitchen, and I sigh before getting back to work. I still had an assortment of baking tools to wash.

* * *

With dinner squared away we sprawled out on the couch watching a marathon of some police procedural show. More actually I was watching the show while Gail snuggled behind me, our legs entwined while we laid there, her breath against my neck a reminder of her presence while she slept. She was a _'breast woman'_, I had discovered. Her hand had long abandoned my waist and found comfort beneath my t-shirt cupping and once or twice massaging the now taut nipple. No doubt pleased that I had disregarded the bra hours ago. It was funny the things, you found out about a person as the relationship progressed. Though, if I told her that she liked cupping my breasts while she slept, she would have probably denied it unless I had concrete evidence.

I resisted the urge to take a photo of us.

As the show drew to an end and the familiar music began to play with its closing credits. Gail's body flexed against mine as she snuggled pulling me in closer and her hold on my breast tightened causing a surprised moan to leave my lips.

"Mmm…" she purred waking; her ministrations to my breast now deliberate and I surrender to it, my head turning to seek her lips demanding more. Before long she's beneath me, her blue eyes glossy with desire, her lips pink, swollen, and her need for me urgent. "Holly …" she begged and I dared not deny her.

* * *

"So I wanted to know …" Gail began. We were sitting in the couch naked, a blanket about us as we ate ice-cream, while a movie watched us from the telly in the background. "If you wanted to eat somewhere."

"Hmm?" I asked mid bite. "Eat somewhere?"

"Yeah in a restaurant, not on your couch" her eyes glanced at the empty food containers that still sat on the center table. "Steve recommended a place." And there was the illusive phase two of the plan I had heard about.

"Like dinner?" I suggested.

"Yes." she agreed, "You could wear something like what you wore last night. I liked it." I went red instantly, so she had liked my outfit. This was the first direct comment she had made about it. I had started to wonder if it had been a miss. "And we could meet there and … eat." She paid little attention to me and much to the television as she spoke.

"So like a date?" I suggested again. My mind was spinning. She was asking me out on a date!

"If you MUST label it Holly. Yes a date." Her eyes flashed my way, her brow arching before she stabbed her spoon into the ice-cream container.

"I would love to." I smiled. Not even steely looks from her could bring me down. After four weeks. Gail had officially asked me out. I had tried in vain to get her to go to dinner, a work party, a science exhibition and a play all of which had been shot down with complaints of tiredness, boredom and a plain 'that's stupid, why would anyone want to do that'. I had all but given up hope, but here we were. "How about instead of us meeting there…." I had to be careful, I didn't want to spook her, she really was a cat. "I could get my car washed and waxed … bring you flowers …. pick you up at your apartment? 7:30pm…"

She sighed bringing a spoon full of ice-cream to her mouth and chewed on it long and thoughtful. The longer she took to answer the more I wondered if the ice-cream was made of rubber. "Its just food Holly." Her sigh was heavy. "But if you insist. You can do all of that." My smile was giddy and I lean over to steal a chocolate mint filled kiss. "The things I do for you." she shakes her head in disbelief before leaving the couch, taking with her the empty food containers. I lean back against the couch contented life was perfect. My phone rang again signaling another call from Mackenzie and I was quick to silence it. Correction, life was _almost _perfect.

* * *

"Um …about earlier … your sister." That was Gail again, breaking the easy silence that had settled between us while we watched a movie that every evening. "I know you said it was ok, but I feel bad about kissing Hillary." It was a confession of some sort. I reached for the remote to pause the TV, giving her my full attention. Gail rarely discussed anything, so the fact that she was now talking meant it was somehow important.

"You don't have to be. I know it was a mistake." I told her. "I have long forgotten about it, Hilly too." I didn't want Gail beating herself over the head with this. It was a none issue as far as I was concerned.

"I know what you said and I believe you." She told me. "I just don't like the idea of me kissing someone, that wasn't you. Mistake or not." She explained. "We are in this, right?" I nodded. "and we want this, right?" I nodded again. "and we are trying to build something, right?" I was fast becoming a bobble head doll. "So if we are in this and we kiss other people. It's like cheating. It is cheating." She decided and I couldn't help but think she was talking from experience. Had she allowed someone to kiss her who shouldn't have? And was I fast putting myself in danger of doing the same? I really needed to confront Mac and clear the air "… because kissing is such an intimate and personal state of being" she continued "… that to do it with someone that isn't you, feels like cheating." She finished and I swallowed a rigid lump in my throat. "If I saw you kissing someone else, it would kill me…and make me want to kill them." she confessed and all the colour drained from my face. "So, I know you say its nothing, but I am sorry about kissing your sister." She pulled me into her arm, planting a kiss on my forehead as we sat there on the couch and I felt the lowest of low and yet I still couldn't bring myself to tell her about what happened with Mackenzie. Even more so had she been serious about killing someone or was that just done to relay how serious she took the issue?

* * *

I woke with a start, my body flying upright, my hair wild my eyes wide. My heart pounded rapidly and I touched it, feeling it slam against my chest. I had woken to the safety that was a night in bed with Gail sleeping soundly beside me but I had been dragged from a hellish dream or rather a nightmare.

It had consisted, of a lot of convoluted scenes laced with lies and deception that I led to me in bed with Mackenzie and Gail killing her. Now Rational thought told me that Gail would never actually shoot Mackenzie, and I would never cheat on Gail. She was just more sensible than that and I knew better, but her confession tonight and my action at the Penny held me in doubt. Doubt that gripped like a noose around my neck and had me struggling for air.

"Gail? Gail?!" I shook her frantically feeling the need to unburden myself at this ungodly hour. I turn on the lamp on the night table. "Are you awake?" I was practically manhandling her.

"I am now …" came the groggy if not irritated reply. She turned to face me, perching on her elbow. She looked haggard. "Are you okay?" she squinted at the light and stifled a yawn. "What's the matter hun?"

"Saturday night at the Penny I think Mackenzie lip looked me and maybe was about to kiss me when you went to pay our tab and I may have handled it badly because I didn't tell her to stop though she didn't actually kiss me and I kind of just ran from her to you and now I need to tell her that I'm with you and that she cant do things like that but its complicated cause we have a past and she's my friend and she's my ex and we work together and now I don't know what to do about it and I don't want you to kill her!" I sounded out of breath and manic. Gail gave me a confused yet alarmed look before she sat up in bed and reached to pull on her t-shirt that had been disregarded hours before.

"What?!"

"I think Mac tried to kiss me." I breathed. Her eyes narrowed as she remembered who Mac was.

"She's your ex?" she sounded disgusted, like the words brought a bad taste to her mouth.

"Yes …"

"You have the most fucked up timing! You know that Holly ?!" She looked at the alarm. "I have to be up for work in three hours!" she sighed raking a hand through her hair in sleep deprived frustration.

"I know, I just couldn't …"

"Sleep with the guilt any longer?" she challenged. I felt small and scolded and I pulled the sheet around me, trying to protect myself.

"How long?" she demanded.

"We started dating in 2007, officially ended four months now." I confessed. She leaned her head against the headboard and I heard her sigh. She closed her eyes and sighed some more before she asked.

"Did you want to kiss her back?"

"No."

"Are you still in love with her?"

"No I'm not." I admitted. "I know I should have told you about Mackenzie before. I had wanted to in the start but it got away from me. Your friend's death, then we snow balled into this relationship and then we weren't really talking about important stuff and then….and I didn't think Mac was an issue and now I'm not sure that she might not be."

"So this is my fault?! You deliberately kept the truth from me about her and now her almost kissing you is somehow my fault?" Gail looked at me insidiously.

"No …I don't mean it like .. I just … Please don't be mad."

"Too late for that!" she hissed. "What is it am I'm suppose to do Holly? What am I suppose to do with this? How am I suppose to compete with a woman you've had a life with for seven fucking years?!"

"It's not a competition Gail. I chose you. I choose you." I sounded small compared to her. I'd never heard her shout before, she was always calm even when upset. Her emotions always in check, but tonight they left nothing to the imagination. She was angry and hurt.

"If you'd done that Holly, there would be no need for this conversation now. Obviously you are having doubts! Which is why I have been woken to this guilt ridden tirade!"

"I know I messed up but I'm not having doubts Gail. This weekend has been wonderful and I know I want to be with you. I just didn't know how to handle Mac, in the moment that it happened but I can fix this." I assured. God knows I had to find a way to fix this. "I'm going to talk to Mac and straighten this out. I just didn't want to lie to you anymore." She sighed heavily at my suggestion, like the thought of me trying to fix this brought her even more burden. "Gail" I said touching her shoulder. "I know you're mad but I will fix it. I want to be with you." she finally looked over at me and for the first time I realized, she'd had tears in her eyes.

"Ok" she finally replied, but there was no believability to it. "You fix this, or I will." It was a command. I pressed a kiss to her temple and brought my hands around her and we stayed there for a moment before her forehead moved to rest on mine.

"I don't want to loose you" I heard her say.

"You wont." I promised.


	11. Never hit so hard in love 1

AN: It was a request but i'll try not to make it a habit. I know who much you all hate Mackenzie :)

AN: Someone wrote. 'Its been 22 hours already. Update please' I think I'm creating an unhealthy addiction in you guys by updating this so often lol. I may need to give you guys time to breathe ...:)

* * *

"Did you practically beg me to make love to you Saturday night because of her?" We had been sitting in the parking lot of the police station in my car for about 30 minutes now in silence. I had been expecting the question. It hadn't caught me off guard. Hilly had warned me about it too. I just thought it would have been asked last night in dim light of my bedroom and not here in the sunlight where the betrayal on my face could not be hidden.

"I didn't mean to." I said turning to her. She was looking dead ahead, like the blank wall in front of us held some wondrous tale.

"But you did." It was a statement. "I thought and hoped that what we shared was something beautiful, meaningful and somewhat magical but it was all a lie."

"Gail it wasn't. I meant everything we did and said in the moment and I still do. I just regret how I got us there." I admitted.

"Did you think of her?" she turned to look at me. "Did you think of her while we made love?"

"No. I didn't."

"I don't believe you." She sounded wounded. "I feel used." she admitted.

"I never mean to…"

"Hey ! Holly Gail!" Chris said pounding on the car window. I automatically roll it down allowing him to lean in. "Good Morning Love birds!" he smiled. "Pastry?" he offered.

"Good morning Chris, no thanks." I said trying to muster a smile; Gail exited the car and went into the station without a word.

"Is something wrong?" he whispered. I nod my confirmation. I at least owed him some kind of warning, especially when he had worked so hard to get us on track. "Need any help?"

I shook my head. "No. I think I can fix this one, it's my fault", he gave me a sympathetic look and touched my shoulder.

"Ok" he accepted. "Would it be weird if I asked you now if you had any single friends?" I laughed, his question taking me completely by surprise, his timing was terrible but it was a good interloper. " I … don't have any single friends." I said mentally counting down my list of straight girlfriends. " but I do have a sister you may like …"

"Is she pretty?" he asked in typical guy fashion, which made me laugh some more. He was too adorable for me to be offended by the question.

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Is this a trick question? You're hot!" he admitted then looked guilty. "Don't tell Gail I said that."

"I wont but if you think I'm pretty, you'll find Hillary pretty as well." I took out my pen and scribbled Hillary's name and number on his arm that was still resting on the door. "I'll tell her to expect your call."

"Thanks Holly!" He smiled with a boyish charm that Hillary would find delightful and offered me a "Good Luck" on my Gail problem before he headed into the station. I quickly sent a text to Hilly, which came back with a _His is cute?_So I forwarded her a picture of Chris from Saturday night at the Penny. _He's gorgeous!_ Came her reply, followed by a _What does Gail think of me going out with her ex? _I paused unsure of how to reply. Should I have run this by Gail first?

* * *

_2007_

_"Hey you made it!" Hilly said jogging up to me. Her soccer match had just gone into half-time. "Finally! After all my invites!" she looked tired but happy._

_"I'm glad to be here, this is the semi final game right?" I asked. I usually went to Hillary's games but medical school was kicking my ass, which had caused me to miss a few and been woefully out of touch with my sister. "Nice saves out here. With the way you are playing we should get a clean sheet." Hilly played goalkeeper for her club team and she was very good. _

_"Yeah, I just hope we score in the second half or over time. I'd hate for the game to go to penalties." She looked pensive then and I handed her a water bottle._

_"Who is the hot center forward?" I asked slightly changing the subject._

_"Hmm?" she looked at me coy before taking a drink from the water bottle. "Which team?"_

_"Yours."_

_"That's Mackenzie Moore; she was off on disability for most of the season came back about four games a go." She informed me "She plays amazing though! Right? You like what you see?"_

_"I do, is she? You know…"_

_"100% and single." Hilly took another drink before using the back of her hand to remove sweat from her forehead. "Want me to do the introductions?" before I could answer she was calling out to the center forward who came running forward._

_"Mac this is Holly. Holly, Mackenzie. My sister thinks you're hot." Hilly introduced boldly and I went beet root red. "Ask her out." Hilly encouraged Mac before something more interesting caught her eye down the field. She made kissy faces to me behind Mac's back before she left. Sometimes Hilly was so juvenile. _

_"Dinner. Saturday. 8pm. I'll pick you up." Mac asked or rather said. I hadn't heard one question in there._

_"I .. um …Yes." I laugh nervously. "But you don't .. have …" I felt a need to give her a way out of this. _

_"Great. I'll call you." She said confidently._

_"You don't have my number."_

_"I do. Your sister gave it to me before the game." She smiled. "I was to call you if you hadn't turned up for the game again." The whistle blew signalling the end of half time and with a small wave goodbye. I watched Mackenzie retook her position on the field. The game was that much more exciting to watch in the second half with Mac scoring the two winning goals. _

* * *

I felt a hand on my lower back and someone lean in to whisper in my ear. "You have been avoiding me." I jumped instantly at the contact, knocking off my glasses and dropping the bone fragment I had been examining.

"No I haven't." I denied with a lie before adjusting my glasses. "I have been busy."

"With whom? Gail?" Mac asked.

"Yes." I felt defensive. "She spent the weekend." That bit of information was a deliberate plug on my part. She looked wounded by the knowledge.

"You always take my calls..."

* * *

_2007 _

_"So … this is me" I said nervously and redundantly as Mackenzie had picked me up from this location only hours before. I reached into my clutch for my house keys and fiddled them apprehensively in my hands as we stood in front of my apartment door. Our first date had been wonderful. We'd gone to dinner at one of my favourite places in town and Mackenzie had gotten us reservations at the Chef's table. That had been an experience onto itself. Then we'd caught a black and white movie in the park, which led to a stroll home and now this …_

_"I had fun tonight." She stepped in closer her mouth curving into a smile and I nervously took a step back wedging myself against the door._

_"Me too. Dinner, the movie were wonderful. Thank you". She nodded taking another step towards me, her outstretched arm leaning on the door behind me._

_"I'd like to see you again …."_

_"I'd like that too." I confessed before her lips touched mine, softly, sweetly, tentatively, seeking quiet permission. I open to her, her tongue bold in its exploration and I submit to the liquid voyage. My arms circled her neck pulling her in closer. Mac tasted like heaven and sweet relief. _

_I hadn't been having the best of luck with dating. It had all been a series of bad dates, but tonight had been incredible and being in her arms like this felt right. Not only did we have a lot in common personally with music, sports, movies but also professionally, Mac being older was already doing her postgraduate training i.e her pathology residency. _

_"Would … you like to come in?" I asked hoarsely when we parted._

_"I would, but we don't have to rush this" she explained. "I'll call you …." And that she did about five minutes after I had closed my door. We talked for hours that night about everything and nothing it seemed and by the time the call ended in the early hours of that Sunday morning, I knew one thing was sure. I was falling in love with her. _

* * *

"Things are different now Mac. I have a girlfriend." I tried to re-examine the bone fragment, but my concentration was kaput. Especially when Mackenzie took the stool beside me at the table. Feeling boxed in, I rose to stand on the other side of the table. A healthy distance was needed for me to get through this.

"Is she? Can you really call her that after two days?" she dared. "It took me two months to earn that particular title when we were together."

"Ugh.." I shook my head, not wanting her to throw me off. "You can't do what you did at the Penny."

"What did I do?"

I felt frustrated why she was answering everything with a question? You tried to kiss me! You can't do that anymore. We aren't together anymore."

"Hooollly" she said my name lazily. "I haven't been doing anything, other than what we've always been doing …"

* * *

_2013_

_"Hi." Mac said opening the door to her apartment. I'd been standing there for a while, debating whether or not to knock. The drunker I got in her hallway the more the answer seemed clear. The wine bottle was now half empty. _

_"She broke up with me tonight." I said passing her to enter the living room flopping on her couch._

_"Who Carrie?" Mac said naming the girl I'd been dating for three weeks. She closed her door and took the bottle from me. "I think you've had enough of that."_

_"I really suck at this dating thing." I complained, my tongue felt heavy and my words slurred._

_"No you don't." she sat beside me and I snuggled in, hugging her arm to me. "You were pretty good when we were together." She acknowledged. "Maybe she just wasn't the one."_

_"You use to be the one …"_

_"Maybe …" Mac conceded._

_"You could be the one again …" I heard her sigh. "Just for tonight …" I begged, finding her lips with my own. _

_"Holly … we shouldn't." she said through tepid kisses. _

_"Just for tonight Mac …. Please …."_

* * *

"This feels different. Gail is different." My convictions were stronger than my reasons and I felt crippled not being able to explain fully how being with Gail had woken something in me that had long since died. "I like how it feels to be with her, it's really good when its good and I want to see where this goes. So we can't do this anymore Mac."

"Why? How is this time different?"

"I'm trying to move on Mac. I've finally met someone that's not you. That makes me feel excited about life and all the possibilities that come with a new relationship and though it's been crazy and confusing. I finally understand Gail and I think we have a shot at this."

"What if I don't want you to move on? What If I … made a mistake?"

"Dr. Moore?" a young man said interrupting us. "The van is ready to leave."

"Yes, I'm coming." Mac replied standing. She grabbed my coat off the rack and handed it to me. "Crime scene. Two decomposing bodies were found at a construction site. Join me."

Once we got there, the police had already cordoned off the area and was keeping the crowd at bay. However I didn't see anyone in blue that I recognized until Tracey walked up to us.

"Dr. Moore." She greeted, shaking Mac's hand before she put on her gloves. "Holly" she said less formally with a smile as we walked. "The bodies are this way." She instructed and that's when I came face to face with Gail. For some reason I hadn't expected her to be there. .


	12. Never hit so hard in love 2

Gail had been standing on the other side of a massive hole in the ground. She had her note book and pen out and she was writing as the witness relayed his experience quite enthusiastically to her. It was almost as if she'd felt my presence, because instinctually her head had turned in my direction, a small smile creeping to her face in acknowledgement of my presence. We were currently at odds and hadn't said goodbye or kissed that morning but, no matter what seeing me … seeing her was a good thing and her smile no matter how small was evidence of that. I gave her a lopsided smile and a small wave from my position at the other side of the hole.

"So the two bodies are here." Tracey told Mac as they walked up behind me. The smile instantaneously fell from Gail's face. "The excavator was digging the hole when it picked up one of the bodies and deposited it over there." Tracey said pointing to a pile of rubble. "The other body is still in the hole."

"Thanks detective," Mac told Tracey. She rested a hand on my shoulder and leaned in a bit. "Holls" she said less than professional. "Why don't you take the one on the pile and I'll take the one in the ground." she suggested. I saw Gail's eyes narrowed and her posture stiffened. The witness beside her, tried to gain her attention but she ignored him. Soon he gave up all together and walked away.

"Sure." I said moving out of Mac's reach and purposefully made my way across to Gail. "I .. I didn't know you would be here. I'm sorry …that she's here."

"HmmHmm." her response was tight lipped. "Did you tell her?"

"Yes." I replied but I wasn't sure how effective it had been. Nothing felt resolved; in fact it felt like I had opened a can of warms.

"What did she say?" Gail was still looking at Mackenzie from where she now worked in the pit. I slapped on my gloves and knelt to examine the pile of bones before me. It was a mess, there were many visible injuries to the bones, and at first glance I couldn't determine if they were the cause of death or trauma from being plucked from the earth by the excavator. My fingers glided over bones, studying them, hoping they would speak to me somehow. Maybe even provided some answers to my current predicament.

"She doesn't think she did anything wrong." I explained looking up. Gail's jaw line tightened. "She thinks it was a mistake breaking up."

"Do I need to have a word with her?" her tone was thirst.

"I will talk to her again." I promised continuing my examination of the body. "The body is male, about mid-30s. Caucasian." Gail reopened her notebook and jotted the information down. "Attachment size suggests he was well-muscled, probably due to manual labor rather than, uh, weight training." was my educated guess. Gail made more notes, Tracey joined us just then.

"Any news for me?" she asked she dug her hands in her coat and looked down over me to get a peek at the bones.

"Dr. Moore is Holly's ex girlfriend from a seven year relationship and she tried to kiss her Saturday night at the Penny." Gail responded shocking us both. I didn't have to right to be upset by her outburst. It was of my own making. I just wish ….

Tracey looked visibly thrown. "Oh. Wow. Okay. Um." She was clearly uncomfortable knowing this information and her eyes grew wide as the information cemented itself in her brain. She glanced at Gail who continued to throw daggers at Mackenzie, then to the strawberry blond in the pit then to me, but her expression to me was more of a _'What the Fuck?'_ "I um ..was actually asking about the body." She said recovering.

"Male. Caucasian. Mid 30s manual labour." Gail provided.

"So like construction work?" Tracey guessed. I nodded. "Anything else?"

"Been here about year, his bones still have traces of tissue on them." I said still examining the bones.

"Can you say what killed him?" Tracey asked.

"Well the sternal ribs were subluxated, at both the spine and the sternum" I explained.

"And in English that means?" Gail asked.

"That he was crushed?" Tracey offered.

"No. Not crushed. Pinned. Smothered? "I suggested trying to find the right adjective for the injury. "Perhaps in an industrial accident?"

They gave me matter of fact expressions. "So one of these many construction equipment here killed him a year ago?" Tracey answered, her eyes scanning the site.

"Well that's not helpful at all."Gail said rolling her eyes. Tracey frowned.

"I should have more details for you once I get it back to the lab on the type of equipment."I signaled for the transport van and we cleared the area while they collected the body according to my instructions.

"Dr. Moore determined that the second vic was Male. Mid 30s. Hispanic, been here a year." Steve said walking up. He took Gail's notes and scanned them frowning at her. No doubt displeased with her penmanship or lack there of. "Once we get the sketches and determine who the vics are." He handed her back the notepad. "This may fall into my working theory about a gang related case I worked about a year ago." We all nodded. Knowing that our day was just about to get really busy.

"The second victim has two injures." Mac said walking up to our little group. "A blunt force trauma to the base of his skull and a gunshot wound to the left chest." Mackenzie said expanding our knowledge of the case. Gail bristled at my side.

"Which killed him." Steve asked.

"I'm not able to determine cause of death yet. I'll try to have more information for you later." He nodded satisfied with Mac's answer. "And hopefully we can still recover the bullet." Mac added. Tracey made a note in her own book.

"Detectives?" one of the uniform officers came over. "There is a man here that maybe able to shed some light on what happened." Steve and Tracey took their leave, leaving me alone with Gail and Mackenzie. I had never been more uncomfortable in my life. My stomach did summersaults and my breakfast threatened to make an appearance.

* * *

_2009_

_"Why are you doing this?" I cried, I hadn't cried in years and now it seemed like I couldn't stop crying. Every tear betrayed the inner strength I thought I had but could not find. "How can you do this? _

_"This is a really good opportunity for me Holly. I can't not take it, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This is for my career. You know how important it is to me." Mac told me. She sounded annoyed, like my request to explain why she was throwing away our relationship; our life together was an annoyance. _

_"What about us?"I demanded teary eyed. I could not understand how she could have so easily decided that her job was more important than us. That she would rather live half way across the world for the next year for the sake of her career rather than be with me._

_She had already packed her bags, and bought her ticket and had written me a note. If I hadn't come home early, we wouldn't even be having this conversation now. Why was I even begging her to stay? Clearly she wanted to go._

_"I have to go Holly." She told me. "I don't want to miss my flight." she said shouldering her bag. Then she walked out the door and I cried for days and nights until the days blurred into nights and the nights into days. I thought I'd died the day she left and in a way I had, because I knew I would never love someone the way I loved her._

* * *

"So…." I said nervously amid the silence. My feet kicked at a pebble, shuffled uneasily and I dug my hands in my jacket pockets then took several deep breaths, blowing them out loudly.

God this was uncomfortable.

The two ladies just stared at each other and I stood between them feeling helpless. "Gail this is Mackenzie. Mackenzie this is Gail." I said by way of introductions. Though it was pointless, they knew exactly who each other were. "Now that we've met …" I said after the silence contained to drag. "Why don't you go see to corpse? You know how clumsy those guys can be" I told Mac. "And I will see you back at the office?" I suggested.

"You're too broken to love her." that was Mackenzie finally talking. My eyes narrowed at her. Why would she say something like that? She had taken the private details of my complaints about Gail and surmised that Gail was broken. Words chosen specifically to hurt and injure and they had.

"I may be broken" Gail accepted. "But you had your chance and then lost _your chance_ to love her." Gail responded steely and I just knew all hell was about to break loose. This was about to turn into another crime scene.

"Ok, guys' .We don't need to do this." I interjected helplessly. "Mac, I'm with Gail. I want to be with Gail."

"You heard her." Gail said, her stance slightly widened. A hand rested on her utility belt.

"She always comes back … to me." Mac taunted and I saw Gail's hand moved to rest on her side piece. I'm sure the move wasn't purposefully on her part, but reflexive, a knee-jerk reaction because she felt threatened.

* * *

_2010_

_"Holly, just wait." Mackenzie said putting her body between my door and the doorjamb to prevent me from closing it. Hear me out. Please."_

_"I don't want to hear anything from you!" I was angry! Mad! Seething! After one year, she turned up on my doorstep unannounced and unwanted. "Go away!" I demanded. "Please just leave." I pleaded. It had taken too long and it had been too hard to get over her. I had barely survived it. I couldn't go through this again._

_"Holly." Mac pushed the door open, ignoring my plea and entered my apartment …. our once shared apartment. The door clicked behind her. "I know I messed up…" She admitted moving closer to me. "… and I know I hurt you." She had now backed me against the coffee table; I felt the edge of it against my calf. She used a thumb to dry the tears on my cheek. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness."_

_"No you don't!" I snapped weakly. I felt drained and tired to fight her. This was her fourth attempt since arriving back in town two weeks ago. My resolve had been significantly weakened. I lowered myself to sit on the coffee table, my body finding respite on its mahogany surface._

_"Baby … I missed you …"she confessed and lowered to her knee, her green eyes sincere._

_ "You don't get to miss me. Mac. Not with the way you left."_

_"… but I did…. I missed you …. Every day." She lowered her head to my lap, begging for forgiveness that I knew in time I would give and I touched her hair. I loved her. Through all the tears and anger. I hadn't stopped loving her._

* * *

"You don't want to push me." Gail warned, to which Mac took a step forward. Steve stretched an arm out, pressing it against Gail's protective vest stopping any further movement she would have made. I hadn't seen him approach, but I was thankful for his interference.

"Officer Peck take a walk." Steve instructed sternly, Gail stood her ground ignoring him. "That's an order from the lead detective on the scene." he informed her. "Talk a walk. Now." He demanded. She turned on her heel and headed into the direction of the distant crowd, getting lost somewhere in it.

"Dr. Moore, my apology." He offered even though he knew we were all at fault. Mac accepted the apology with a nod and walked off leaving me to face the older Peck.

"Holly…" Steve gave me a disappointed look and sighed. "You need to decide what you want." He told me. "I want it to be my sister." he admitted. "But if its not. She deserves the right to know." He sighed again, like he couldn't come to terms with the fact that he had to be the one here dispensing this particular advice. "Gail may have been the one who needed to cross the bridge, but do you even know which bridge you want to be on?" He left me then, walking off into the direction of his sister and I stood there watching until he came out of view.

Steve was wrong. I knew which bridge I wanted to be on. I wanted to be with Gail, that much I was sure of. I had told Gail that I had wanted an open and honest relationship. So why couldn't I allow myself to have that? Especially when Gail was so willing to give me just that? Why couldn't I shake Mackenzie?


	13. You wreck me 1

AN: One day late. I know. Please dont hate me :) I may not post again until Monday. I need to get some sleep. This story keeps me up at night, contempating and debating even when I'm not writing. lol

"You know you didn't have to come over right?" I told Hilly as she slumped on Gail's side of the bed. Gail's side …. I had been trying to fold laundry when she had busted into the apartment frantic. Wanting to know if I was okay and if Gail had _'ripped the pretentious doctor a new one'._

"Yes I did. You need me." Hilly got more comfy and propped herself up on the pillow. Gail's pillow… "Your ex and your partner nearly came to blows over you. I had to come and check on you. How are you?" she asked concerned.

"It … wasn't like that." I denied, but whom was I kidding. It was pretty much like that. If Steve hadn't stepped in, when he did, someone might have gotten really hurt. "I'm fine Hilly." I could tell she didn't believe me, but she didn't press the issue further.

"Why weren't you at work? When Chris texted me. I went there first; they said you went home early." I paused at the question, taking a beat to fold the t-shirt in my hand. Gail's T-shirt. One of the navy blue ones she wore under her uniform. In my haste to pack her things Wednesday night, I must have forgotten one…

"I had to get out of there. I was feeling …" she gave me that. _I just caught you in a lie look_ and I sighed. How could I honestly say that I was fine when I couldn't even finish a day at work? "I handed my case to a colleague. I just couldn't concentrate." I pressed Gail's t-shirt to my nose and inhaled deeply. It smelt mostly of detergent but also her. It smelled of Gail…"You've been texting Chris?" I was more intrigued at finding out, just exactly how close she and Chris had gotten since giving him her number only 6 hours before.

"We've been texting all day!" she confirmed happily and her phone beeped just then. "He's so adorable and really funny!" she sounded dreamy and from the smile on her face I could tell it was Chris who had just texted her.

"So you like him?" I enquired as she texted a reply.

"Yes!" her eyes never left the phone screen. "So far so good. We have our first date tonight, but stop trying to get us off track. I'm here to talk about your relationship not mine."

"So you're in a relationship with Chris now?" she hit my shoulder hard. "Ouch!"

"You know what I mean!" she whined. "Stop trying to change the subject. Have you spoken to her?"

"Who?"

"Gail! I don't give a rats behind about Mackenzie!" considering they used to be really good friends and play on the same soccer team. Hilly had come a good way from like to hate where Mac was concerned. I just didn't know how she did it. No matter what I could never seem to outright hate someone, no matter how much they hurt me. I've just always believed people where redeemable and deserved a right to show that.

"No I haven't yet. I've tried though." I explained. "She's either effectively avoiding me or she's busy. She has a murder slash gang case she's helping on today, so she could be … just busy." I tried to find comfort in my explanation but couldn't. Gail was avoiding me.

"I would say give her some time, but that's BS. Hol! You need to make this right! Now!" Hillary turned to me then. "You need to go to your woman and tell her you've been a fool! A crazy fool and that Mac means nothing to you!" it was practically a demand.

"I know Hil, but she has to want to talk to me first". I folded a sock and threw in on a pile of already folded laundry.

"You have to make her talk to you. You have to let her know without doubt that she's your only choice." Hilly was relentless. Her persistence was something I always admired. "and you need to do that in a big way."

"Like how?" I really didn't know.

"_Like_. Tell Mac to take a _hike_ and stop being her_ friend_! You can't pull of being friends with your ex. Holly." She told me. "You aren't as cool as Gail." To which I kind of laughed. How did Gail pull off being friends with her ex so easily?

There was a knock at my door then and Hilly flew off the bed. "Maybe its Gail!" she announced happily running to open it. I followed less enthusiastically. If it was Gail I couldn't imagine her being happy to see me.

"What are _you _doing here?!" I heard Hillary say to the person at the door and I round the corner to see that it was Mackenzie. What on earth was she doing here?

"Hello to you too Hillary." Mac responded.

"Don't hello me! You've got some nerve." She sounded disgusted, "Holly doesn't want to see or talk to you." Hilly spat. "It's been 6 years too long. Why can't you just stay gone?"

"Hilly… don't. Please."

"Just let me hit her once Holly!" I reached for my sister's shoulder pulling her back from the doorway and away from Mackenzie. I couldn't afford to take any chances. "I can take her Hol!"

"I know you can." And that's what scared me. Hilly wasn't just talk. In high school she got into a lot of fights and _I_ got beaten up a few times because of mistaken identity. " …but I can handle this. I don't need my _big _sister protecting me. Even when you do it so well." She mostly frowned, but there was a smile in there as well. "Why don't you go home? Get ready for your date with Chris." The smile was evident this time as she, remembered her tall Adonis. "I will call you." I promised and she looked from me to Mac, then back at me before she nodded.

"Okay." Hilly sighed and I led her to the door, her eyes narrowing at Mackenzie who moved out of our way. "If she tries anything. _Anything,_ you tell me." I promised I would before she made her exit and I leaned against the closed door.

"I see your sister still has that colourful personality she's known for." Mac said easing further into the apartment. The room seemed to close in the further she invaded it. To think this room once held such beautiful memories. Memories we'd shared and that I had once hoped would last a lifetime. "…but to hit me? That's a bit much. Even for her."

"She's not joking. Hillary will hit you, if I let her." I folded my arms, a defensive posture to strengthen my resolve. "What are you doing here?" I demanded. It was best to get this over and done with.

"I came to see you Holly. I've missed us …" Mac moved around the room easily, her fingertips trailing over things I held dearly. Things she had given me, things we'd bought together. Things that reminded me of a life shared and lost. "You have been …"

"I don't want to see you. I already told you. I'm with Gail." For the flash of a second, I thought I saw hurt in her eyes but she recovered quickly. "I need you to leave Mac." What if Gail should stop by on her break or something and found her here? I couldn't afford another confrontation. There was no 'senior detective' here to tell Gail to walk it off.

"I know what you said." There was a hint of boredom to her tone. She moved to sit on my couch, settling in and made herself comfortable by crossing her legs and draping an arm over its back. Her ability to make herself appear so at home in my space was putting me on edge. "I've heard that before Holly. You never mean it."

"I know you have." It was my confession. I seemed to be doing that a lot these days. "This time I mean it. Mac. I can't do this back and forth with you. It ends right here."

"What we have doesn't end Holly. Its time is endless." Her voice was low but purposeful. "Like a grandfather clock." She decided. "It slowly continues to click away the minutes allowing us time to breathe … this allows us time to appreciate, reminisce and build a need for each other that's too great to deny. Then upon the hour it chimes signaling the blessed hour that is you and me …being together as one. Creating memories that took place in moments so unforgettable that we should not, can not deny ourselves the opportunity to create more. Do you remember those times Holly?" Mac asked of me and God had I remembered them. My willing body had been a blank canvas for her to create masterpieces upon and she had done so, so many countless times.

The times when we weren't together and made me longed and dare I say lusted for more. I had begged her for more. I had foolishly begged for more and more. Effectively creating my own drugged filled addiction that was her. That was sex with her. That had now left me shamed with remembrance of all the times I had begged to be with her, even when she had chosen to be somewhere else. Chosen someone else and even when she had decided that I was no longer worth the effort of a full time commitment. I had begged for the smallest amount of time with her and in foolish fashion tricked myself into believing that it was a friendship with added benefits.

As I stood there listening to her speak about our relationship it dawned on me that, Mackenzie was only referring to the sex. Not that she loved me, or wanted to build a life with me. Just that she didn't want me to commit to Gail, because it meant that I would no longer be available to have sex with her. It now occurred to me that I hadn't had sex with Mac since meeting Gail over two months ago. I had unknowingly given my canvas to Gail and she had turned what was once sex with Mac, into love making with her, slowly erasing all impressions of the former woman.

In all honesty since her return, our relationship had never been the same. It had turned into an unhealthy dependency on my part. I hadn't wanted her to leave me again and so I had surrendered to her. Created a master and slave relationship and shackled myself. Bounded at hand and feet blindly submitting to her every waking need.

"I remember, but sex with you means nothing to me now." I finally responded. She sprung to her feet, closing the space between us. "You can no longer control me with sex and the pretence of friendship." I said standing my ground.

"It's not a control mechanism …" she moved closer and my breath caught. " … if its something you really want Holly…" and then her lips touched mine…..


	14. You wreck me 2

AN: … and just because I didn't want you to have a collective heart attack. I wrote the follow-up chapter :) In all honesty leaving it hanging at 'then her lips touched mine' was a torture that even I couldn't bear. Lol

* * *

"Its not!" I screamed against her lips, her mouth smeared against mine as her body pinned me against the door. Her hands reached to hold me face, keeping my mouth to hers. "Mac Stop!" I pushed against her chest with all the strength I could muster, my hand connecting with the left side of her jaw, slapping her, hard. She stumbled back shocked clutching her wounded cheek, anger flashed in her eyes.

"What the f…Holly!" she spat.

"You don't get to do that anymore!" I wiped at my lips with the back of my hand, trying to erase her presence as tears welled in my eyes. "You don't get to use kisses and sex to control me!" I screamed. When Gail had kissed me in the interrogation room, it had been vastly different. There had been no force or manipulation. It had been innocent and kind with the hope of more. This was ….like the preamble of rape.

"Holls…"

"Don't Holls me! You don't get to call me that anymore!" I felt disgusted and sick to my stomach. How could I have been such a fool? Hilly was right I had been a crazy fool…

"I love you." she told me then and I knew it was more manipulation. More lies.

"You may have loved me once." I conceded. "But you don't now. It's over Mackenzie. It has been for a long time. I was just too scared to see that, too scared to loose you. Too scared to realize that I had already lost you!" I told her. It had taken me too long to get to this point. So long that it had caused me to lie to myself, ignore my sister's sage advice and hurt Gail in the process. In my head I had chosen Gail, but in my heart I had tried to hold on to Mac. "I've been too scared to realize that you no longer loved me." I accepted and the truth did not hurt. In fact it was oddly freeing. Like an unknown burden had been lifted from my heart.

"We could go back. We could try again" she asked and I shook my head. We both needed to move on. I needed to move on.

"I need you to leave now." But she made no movement. Nothing to suggest she'd even heard my request. She just looked at me; her green eyes sad as her heart and mind settled with the knowledge that this really was over. I saw her take a shaky breath and looked at my apartment once more before she walked towards me. I opened the front door for her.

"Holly…" Mac turned to me on her way out.

"Don't. Just. Go." I pleaded.

"In all that's happened." She said ignoring my request. " I did want you to be happy." she told me. "I hope she makes you happy."

"She already has…"

* * *

"She still hasn't contacted you?" Hillary asked. I dug my spoon into my bowl of soup and shrugged. I hadn't been eating much of my lunch nor adding much to the conversation at the table. My sister and Chris had invited me to lunch with them on Saturday in the hopes of cheering me up, it wasn't working.

"No … no she hasn't." I hadn't heard from Gail, no phone calls, and no text messages nothing. The airwaves were silent. Communication had died. In fact through the grapevine (Steve – Tracey – Chris - Hillary) I had found out she'd taken an undercover assignment. It wasn't that she couldn't contact me though. Steve assured me she could. She had simply chosen not to. But could I blame her after the way I acted or didn't act?

"She'll come around Holly." Chris said resting a hand on my shoulder. I gave him a weak smile. I didn't know if Gail would come around. I didn't know if I deserved another chance.

"She's hurt Holly." Hillary said confirming something I already knew. "Maybe she doesn't know what to say if she called." she reasoned before taking a bite of her sandwich. "What do you want her to say? The hardest conversations to have are the ones where words can't fully express how you feel."

"Gail is stubborn, but not stupid. She'll forgive you once you clear the air." Chris added.

"Would you forgive me?" I asked them.

"No. Hell no." Hillary was the first to respond. Her answer hurt, not just because she was my sister but because she thought what I did was so unforgivable." You demanded for Gail to be all these things and commit to you, when yourself were still hung up on your ex and secretly telling Mac about all the 'problems' with Gail. That's kind of hypocritical Hol, even if you didn't realize at the time Mac had such a deeply rooted hold on you." she took a sip of her soda but she wasn't done berating me. "Once you told Gail about the 'almost kiss' you should have dealt with Mac."

"I did. I tried." I sounded whiny and stabbed my soup some more.

"But not effectively!" Hillary was in full schoolteacher mode, even pointing a finger at me.

"Babe …" Chris said trying to stop her.

"No she needs to hear this Christopher." She told him and he backed off. "You were weak and didn't stand up for Gail and your relationship with her. Which gave Mackenzie the impression that you weren't serious about Gail." I'd spent almost a week discussing what happened at the crime scene, what happened when Mac came over and what I wanted to tell Gail if she ever showed up. The more I explained what happened, the more mad Hillary got at me for not doing enough and being so spineless. " You allowed Mac to hurt Gail that day by spilling personal details of your life together. You armed the bitch with a weapon to use against the woman you profess to care soooo much about. Why would you do that?! You failed Gail when you didn't stand up for her in the moment and put Mackenzie in her place. For that, there is no forgiveness in my book. Holly." She ended. "No forgiveness. If Gail forgives you, she's a bigger person than I am." At Hillary's words I felt all hope die within me. What if Gail couldn't forgive me? What if what I had done was unforgivable?

"Hill … you made her cry." I heard Chris say and I wiped away a tear from my cheek I didn't know had been there but they just kept coming.

* * *

Later that day, I armed my car with a click, having parked it on the curbside parking near my apartment building and shouldered my handbag as I tried to balance my groceries in my hands. It was a balancing technique to which I was barely earning a passing grade. Lunch with Hillary and Chris had moved on to topics of Mackenzie and the work situation. She had mostly kept her distance. When we did talk she had remained professional only discussing topics that were work related. I appreciated that. It seemed she was finally getting the picture. There were times of awkwardness when we'd meet unexpectedly in the lady's room and uncomfortable pauses in conversations but it was all part of the process and represented the finality that came with ending relationships.

As I walked the short distance to my building. I saw her. Gail. At first I thought she was a mirage. For days I had hoped and dreamed that I would see her, even convinced myself once or twice that I had seen her on street, but my mind had just been playing tricks on me. It wasn't now though. She was standing there and she was talking to my neighbour Mrs. Burns.

I stood unseen as they spoke, not being able to hear the exchange but watched nonetheless. Gail shuffled her feet nervously a few times, her head hung as she spoke. She was giving a speech of some kind as Mrs. Burns looked on, her only movements being a nod and a smile before she pulled Gail into a hug. A move that surprised the blonde, as she held her body stiffly in the exchange. Mrs. Burns didn't let go though until Gail visibly relaxed and I saw her arms move to hug the older woman. Once Mrs. Burns had departed, Gail took a seat on the step her head now seemed hung in quiet contemplation as she waited. I knew she was waiting for me, but I felt rooted, rooted by fear, fear of rejection. Had she come to tell me it was over? Had she come to break my heart, like I must have surely done hers? My only escape route was back to my car and that felt foolish and childish. So I took the steps forward, bravely.

"Gail…Hi" I said approaching, my voice cracked with her name. She looked up unfazed by the disturbance. Her hair was loose and she tucked a few fallen strands behind her ear before folding her hands on her knee.

"Hi …." She responded.

"Hi…" I greeted again nervously.

"You said that already."

"Yeah.. Well someone once told me it sounded familiar." That earned me a half-smile.

"Tell me about your past with Mackenzie." she asked and I looked at her unsure. "I really want to know Holly. From the first day you met her." Gail patted the spot beside her on the step and I moved to sit beside her, resting my grocery bags before me on the lower step. I didn't know where she was going with this, but I was prepared to tell her everything and I did, I started from the beginning and continued through the years until she stopped me, with a hand touching my knee. She had stopped me right before I could tell her that I had finally found the courage to get Mac out of my life.

"I've been mad at you." Her unreadable expression of the last 15 minutes saddened. "So mad that I ran to be as far away from you as possible." She told me. "I didn't want to see you because I knew I would have said and done things that I couldn't take back. At the time I didn't want to take back." "But now that I have had some time to think I want to tell you something."

"Okay." I nodded.

"I have been where you have been. Holly." She told me. "Been deeply in love, or thought it was love at the time it was happening. Then he left for a while and I thought I was over him. I had moved on." She explained. "But then he came back and I realized I wasn't and I pretended he didn't have this hold on me and that I could just have a casual only sex relationship with him and that worked … for awhile. Then it wasn't enough. It got messy. He fell in love with someone else. I cheated. Nick broke my heart." She finished. "And I didn't let go of the hurt or the emptiness I felt … not until I met you." She reached for my hand and clasped it between hers. "So I know what she means to you."

"Gail I .."

"You told her things." She continued. "Things about us, things about me; personal things." She squeezed my hand a little tighter. "I should be mad at you for that … and I am." She decided. " You broke something in our relationship by doing that. Something that will take time to rebuild." Her choice was word was not lost on me. "But I'm partly to be blamed I guess. Maybe if I hadn't closed you out and refused to talk about you about us. You wouldn't have felt the need to … go to her."

"Gail I'm really sorry, I know I shouldn't have …."

"Shhh" she said silencing me. "I believe you when you say you want to be with me, only me. I trust that and I'm holding on to that because I want to be with you too." Her hold on my hand relaxed. "So I'm going to trust you to deal with Mackenzie in your own way and in your own time." She told me. "Just because two people fall in love doesn't mean everything runs smoothly and we've had one bumpy road." I sucked in a sharp breath. She'd just said _fall in love_. "But that shouldn't mean they should end what they have. I don't want to end what we have." My eyes watered at that.

"We love each other? You love me?" I asked and she looked at me, her blue eyes warm.

"Yes." she said with the sincerity that made my heart skip a beat. I was thrown. Like clear across the football field thrown. " From that first kiss in the coat room Holly." She leaned in to kiss me and my entire body floated on a tide of ecstasy that shut out everything but her soft, warm mouth. " I just hadn't known what it was then." She said when we parted. Gail rose to her feet and reached for my grocery bags. "I hope you're making dinner tonight. I've haven't had a home cooked meal in days." she said mounting the steps and I sat there smiling. Knowing that there was much left to be discussed and forgiven but time had not been my enemy, it had been my saving grace and would continue to be just that.

* * *

AN: I was very surprised that many of you thought Holly would have given in to the kiss. Lol Especially after Gail warned her what kissing someone else would do to her and Holly was finally realizing that Mac had used sex as a way of controlling her. If she had kissed Mac, wouldn't that have made Holly irredeemable? It would have in my book. Then again if you didn't know which way I was going to go, then I must have done something right. lol I think though it would have just been too much for Gail to forgive and take the story out of the realm of being a Holly and Gail romance. That's being said.

I know it has been painful to read …it has been even more painful to write, but the story is titled 'Wrecking Ball' there was a reason for that. It's not just a fancy song title. I wanted to test Gail's resolve. Holly had to wreck her. Is she being with Holly at the start because it seems easy breezy and wasn't messy like when she dated Chris and Dov kissed her? Or when she was with Nick and he fell for Andy? In those relationships she was mostly at fault because she was cold and distant and wouldn't give more of what was needed to truly build a relationship, but she's not in this one. She has tried to reach out. She got the key chain, she emptied the food containers, she agreed to quieter not disturbing the neighbours, she apologized to Mrs. Burns. She came clean on her fears in the bathroom, she asked Holly out of a date. She confessed to how serious she took the relationship by talking about what kissing someone else would mean to her. She crossed the bridge. For once Gail issues in the relationship are not the major cause of their problems. She isn't the problem.

Holly is the problem, but can Gail find forgiveness where Chris hadn't? Where Nick hadn't? Does she really want to venture down this path with Holly, or was she the straight girl who got bored and veered of course and now that it's hard, she runs? Or does she have what it takes to stay the course? I know it has been an emotional drain though, so I will try to write happier stuff. Lol All your reviews have been lovely and gave much insight on your thoughts your happiness and _ turmoil_ over the story. Lol If you are reviewing, I must be doing something right? Right ? : )


	15. Closed my eyes and swung

It was late Sunday morning when I woke. The sun was already a brilliant yellow in the sky and having forgotten to close the curtains the night before. I was greeted by the warmth of it against my face and allowed myself to soak in its rays. Normally I hated the sun, but this morning it brought with it promises and dreams and hopes that were finally within my reach.

I turned restlessly and looked over at Gail, studying her sleeping features. Some people looked vulnerable as they slept but Gail still had an air of strength and confidence about her. Maybe it was just the fact that she was so strikingly good-looking or maybe it was because she rarely let her vulnerability show, either way she beautiful while she slept and their was some pleasure in knowing that for now I was the only one who got to see her like this.

My eyes moved from the thick dark length of her lashes to the sensual curve of her lips and my stomach tightened suddenly with renewed longing as I remembered how her lips had felt against the softness of my skin and how wildly she had stirred my senses mere hours before. Last night had been wonderful. Gail had been wonderful … over and over again.

The sun was hitting her luminous skin in all the right spots this morning and as she lay there on her stomach, naked head to toe I couldn't help but stare. Her arms hugged her pillow as she slept showing slightly muscled biceps that ran a path to shoulders and a smooth back, punctuated by a spine that dipped to narrow hips then arched to a taut behind. My mouth watered with remembrance of how I had spent endless amount of time tasting and teasing every inch of her. Then her thighs more explicitly her inner thighs had been warm and ….

Gail opened her eyes suddenly and I smiled, not feeling guilty for having stared so brazenly. "Good morning lazybones. I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up."

"Were you now?" her voice was languidly amused as she eased up on her pillow. "Well you see the problem was that some young hussy kept me awake well into the small hours."

"Really?" I grinned. "Some people have no scruples."

"I'm very glad to say that you're right" she breathed the words huskily and bent to nibble my ear. It sent a flood of sweet sensations racing through me. I trailed a hand along the breath of her shoulders, feeling the strength of her muscles rippling as she rolled us over so that I lay trapped beneath her.

"Last night was fabulous." She said the words softly as she looked into the beauty of my eyes.

"Yes it was." I smiled.

She bent her head to kiss my lips, slowly, possessively and I kissed her back loving the sensation. And then suddenly we were making love again, only this was nothing like last night. There was none of the wild urgency that had driven us almost senseless.

A week apart had been too long for our wanton needs.

This was slow and leisurely and tender and somehow much more deeply intimate. Gail looked into my eyes as she entered me, watching me and then devouring me, tasting the shuddering ecstasy of my lips and taking charge of all of my senses. This was being taken completely … in every sense of the word.

Afterwards as I lay there, deeply sated and a feeling of wonderment flooding through me. I looked down at Gail sound asleep on my chest and my legs wrapped possessively around her waist and I knew I loved her. She may have loved me first but I was sure I would love her more…

There was a sound in the distance, the distinct jingling of keys and I paused my body tensing instantly. "Baby…"

"Mmm?…" I heard Gail murmur sleepily against my skin, but I was more interested in the noise still beyond the door. Was someone trying to enter the apartment?

"Holly?" called the voice and my body went into instant panic. That was my mom!

"Mom?!" I shouted to her pushing Gail off me in rushed haste making her fall to the side of the bed with a thud. She looked confused and just so dam cute. "My Mom!" I whispered. "I'm coming!" I shouted to the other side of the door. "You need to hide!" I whispered again to Gail throwing her, her clothes.

"Holly?" my mom pushed open the bedroom door and I quickly covered my body with the sheets, the other hand planted on Gail's head as I pushed her down the side of the bed and out of sight. She looked more annoyed now than confused.

"Hey bug…" My mom greeted. "I hope you don't mind that we let ourselves in." she pointed behind her.

"We?" I enquired.

"Your father and I." she looked at me then around the bedroom. "Are you okay?" I nodded much too quickly. "You look ….flushed." she decided and I only got redder. "Are you sure? It's not like you to still be in bed, this time of day …."

"Yeah …I was just…. tired." I said faking a yawn. "Why don't you give me a minute? I'll be out shortly." I told my mom.

"Hmm ok, I brought over pie… I'll go warm it up." She said before closing the door.

"Bug?" Gail asked curiously.

"Family pet name …because I liked playing with insects as a child." I whispered flying of the bed to find clothes. "They can't find you here! I need you to stay hidden. I'll get rid of them!"

"Why?" she sounded defiant as she moved to sit on the bed. She still hadn't bothered to get dressed.

"I'll explain later …" I told her before exiting the room, closing the door behind me.

"Mom, dad …. " I greeted kissing each on the cheek in turn before taking a seat at the kitchen island. "What are you doing here?" I asked. I was fidgeting with my hands then the place mat on the table.

They both gave me silent looks. "Do we need a reason to come over?" my father asked pulling the cling wrap off the desert.

"No, no of course not! I'm just surprised to see you, you guys normally call first."

"We did, your phone keeps going to voice mail." Mom answered as she took out plates from the cupboard. Then I remembered that my phone had died sometime Saturday night and I hadn't bothered to charge it.

"Oh right …"

"How are you?" Mom asked. "You haven't called us and that's unlike you."

"I know. I'm sorry. I've just …" I swallowed the words.

"Maybe she'd just been busy Carol." My dad supplied for me.

"Too busy to call us?" my mom wasn't giving up. "Hilly calls every evening…." She added trying to guilt me. It worked.

"Are you busy because there is a new lady in your life or young man?" Dad asked. My mom held her head and sighed. I felt like doing the same.

"There will be no young man. She's a lesbian, James. Which means she dates only women." my mom explained. When it came to be being a lesbian, my dad had dementia. Every now and then we had to remind him of the fact.

"Yes … I know." He frowned. "But a father can hope right?" he asked. "You haven't been having the best of luck with this _Lesbian Thing_." I mentally knocked my head on the counter and my mom rolled her eyes as she sliced the pie. "You haven't liked any of the women, your mom has set you up with since …" he was referring to Mac but decided not to say her name. "So maybe if you let us set you up with a nice guy, you'll have better luck? Maybe you're bi …" somehow me being bisexual offered him some level of comfort. There was a thud just beyond the living room.

"Did you hear that?" my dad asked.

"Um… No …." I lied. What was Gail doing back there? "… and dad…" I groaned. "I know you're trying to help. "But I'm a lesbian not bisexual." He looked uncomfortable. "and I don't need you guys setting me up on dates. " it was a plea to both of them.

"I worry about you. We worry about you." His grey eyes softened. "I'm getting older and I'm worried you won't find someone soon, who is mature and responsible, in a steady upward moving career that will marry you, take care of you and provide you with a family." He told me and this time I did sigh out loud. This was the year 2013. I didn't need someone marrying me and taking care of me or giving me a family. Why couldn't my dad understand that?

"We want you to be happy Holly." My mom said sliding a plate to me and I took the slice and bit into it. She frowned shaking her head before handing me a fork. I stabbed the pie rebelliously.

"I am happy mom, or at least I'm getting there." I told them. There was another thud. "…and I've met someone special." I said ignoring the noise, Maybe they hadn't heard it. My body felt panicked and on high alert. Why was Gail making so much noise? Was it purposeful? "Its just early and we are still …"

"What is that noise?" my dad's voice was urgent and alert. I doubt he heard what I was saying about Gail. "Is that coming from your bedroom?" he was whispering now.

"Nooo!" I said jumping off the stool rushing towards the kitchen entrance in hopes of blocking him. My dad took a few decisive steps towards me. My mom arched a curious brow. "Maybe it's a cat in my bedroom…" I said back tracking. "There is always one that runs in when I leave the _window open_." I said loudly hoping Gail heard. Annoyance lacing his features my dad gave me the military hand signal for silence and pushed me out of the way.

"Maybe it's an intruder…" his voice lowered some more as his fist clenched. My dad was currently a Lieutenant General in the army with two years left before retirement. He thought every suspicious noise was a possible enemy attack. My mom continued to eat her pie and ignored us. She was use to this kind of crazy behavior from him. He still made her practice drills at home in case of an armed attacked. He moved quickly through the living room, passing by the door to grab my baseball bat and handed it to me. I was apparently providing back up. Once at the door, he signaled for us to stop and my heart pretty much did as I clutched the bat tightly and unnecessarily before he opened the door to my bedroom.


	16. It slowly turned

AN: I got the most amazing review yesterday from Banks123 and I had to share it with you guys, because I think Banks gets what's being achieved here.

_Banks123 Wrote: Wrecking ball...effectively a pendulum figuratively and metaphorically. Depending on opinion this could be seen as the negative destruction of a person or the positive destruction of a persons walls they have built around themselves to prevent people getting too close or even the back and forth of the story (and our opinions) until the penultimate finale. I like the swing of this story...we go from feeling that Gail is being unfair to Holly to feeling that Holly is being unfair to Gail...to the knocking down of their walls in the positive sense. I'm not going to say complete destruction yet because i believe they have plenty more to work through. I have enjoyed the Holly perspective because it reveals her frustrations and fears and ultimately her self revelations as she realises them herself. So the beginning we, as readers, are frustrated with Gail because Holly is but then she reveals somewhat unwittingly that she herself isn't doing what she is asking Gail to do...allowing the ball to swing. As with a wrecking ball, there are several hits before the building is destroyed and i wait with baited breath for what's to come._

As my dad pushed opened the door, I held my breath, creeping behind him, glued like a second skin to his back. I prayed Gail had gone into hiding. She had to have gone into hiding! Now was not the occasion to meet my parents. Our relationship was just too new and with too many unresolved issues to add parents to it. Please be hiding Gail, I wish I had paid more attention in Sunday school. A prayer could have saved me now.

To my father's disgust and my relief we opened the door to nothing. No one was in my room. Just the disheveled mess I had left it in prior. I looked over his shoulder as we stood in the doorway, my eyes scanning for any sign of Gail. There was none to be found.

"Oh thank heavens!" I breathed clutching the bat to my heart. Thank God dad hadn't found Gail in my room. I didn't want to have to explain that. I _could not_ have explained that. It wasn't that I _wanted _to hide Gail from my parents. I wanted them to meet her at some point. A much later point and not naked in my bed. My parents were traditional… they would not have seen the humor in catching us in bed. It would have been high school all over again. Where Katie had been told to get dressed and leave and I would sit through an hour long lecture about my body being temple and that I should only allow those deserving of my heart to enter its domain, but if my body was a temple then that made Gail a god, right? I smiled at the fact.

"What?" my dad asked.

"Nothing, nothing dad." I feigned. "See no one is in here, nothing is in here. Let's go and eat pie…."

"I know I heard a noise …" he ignored me to go look in the attached bathroom. I moved to the opened bedroom window and peeped out to see Gail, crouched down on the fire escape in only her bra and underwear. Her hair was wild as the wind found it and she looked cold and hugged herself as she frowned at me.

"I'm sorry!" I mouthed. To which she gave me the stink eye. I had so much to make up for.

"I just know I heard something." My dad said returning to the bedroom running a hand through his silver hair in mild frustration. He opened the closet doors and looked around in there for a bit. At which point I picked a jeans off the floor and handed it to Gail out the window.

"Didn't you hear it?" my father bent to look under my bed. I threw Gail her t-shirt and jacket. "No, I didn't hear anything …." I moved from the window and took him by the shoulders, trying to steer him in the direction of the door. "Dad it's really nothing, probably a cat."

"A cat!" he moved from me and made a b-line to the window. My heart just about stopped when he looked out the window. He would surely see Gail now! "I don't see a cat." He said dejected after looking out the window for what felt like hours to my scattered nerves, but in actuality was mere seconds.

"You didn't?" I sounded surprised. Where had Gail gone?

"No" he closed the window. "You should be more careful bug. Don't leave your window open…" he told me as he bolted the latch.

"I will dad." we made our way back to the living room, just in time to see my mom opening the front door.

"Hi, I'm Gail …is Holly home?" Gail greeted extending a hand to my mom.

"Oh yes! She is dear. I'm Carol, Holly's mom." My mom said shaking Gail's hand. Gail looked at her curiously and I knew what she was thinking, my mom did as well.

"Holly's _step_ mom." She supplied as an explanation. You see my mom could more easily pass for Tracey Nash's mother than my own, but after raising Hillary and I for 25 years as her own and loving us as such. _Step-mom_ didn't quite do justice to the role she played in our lives. She is and will always be my mom, DNA didn't change that, so it hurt a little, when she kept having to refer to herself as our step mom, because she was so much more than that. "Holly! You have a visitor." My mom called out to me, but I was already standing in the living room, dad a few steps behind me.

"Ga-il!" I sounded chocked. "What are you doing here?" the question was tight lipped. I told her to stay hidden. This was anything but!

"Holly! Don't be rude." That was my mom scolding me. "Why are you asking your visitors_ why_ they are here? Aren't you happy that people want to see you?"

"I umm… no…yea… yes… Sorry mom."

"Invite your _friend_ in." my mom was fishing. "We were just about to have pie Gail."

"Girlfriend. I'm Holly's girlfriend." Gail corrected smoothly and my mom turned to me and smiled approvingly. I silently groaned. Gail had just opened a can of worms.

"So Gail is the '_someone special'_ you were going to tell us about." My mom said putting two and two together. I sighed deeply.

"Yes mom." It was a grumbled response.

"Girlfriend …" my dad tested the word as he scrutinized Gail from head to toe, no doubt trying to see if she was befitting of such a title. "Where is your shoes young lady?" he said voicing a concern. We all looked down at Gail's feet and her toes flexed in response.

"She left them at home!" I said leaping forward to Gail. It was the only excuse I could think of on such short notice but the moment it left my lips I knew it was a terrible one.

"At home?" Dad inquired.

"I live down the hall…." Gail said saving my lie with one of her own. "I like walking barefoot." Which technically wasn't a lie, she did so all the time … in the apartment.

"Mmm" my dad responded stepping forward. I wasn't sure if he believed us. "It's good to meet you Gail. I'm Lieutenant General James Stewart." He greeted extending a hand to her. "You may call me _Sir_".

"It's good to meet you _Sir."_ Gail greeted easily shaking his hand.

"Let me get the pie." My mom said. "James come and help." mom insisted. Once we were alone I glared at Gail.

"What are you doing here? I told you to hide!" I asked in hushed tones. "How did you get here?"

"Mrs. Burns allowed me to climb through her window." Gail smiled at the fact. "Don't like how it feels?" she was being smug as she closed the front door.

"What feels?" I was momentarily confused, and then it hit me. "This is payback for the Penny? Gail! _Really?_"

"Really. Sucks huh?" she took off her jacket and hung it on the rack. "Being ganged up on. Well you asked for open and honest…." She let the suggestion hang in the air between us. I felt strapped. I did ask for this, but Gail didn't know my parents. Six months down the road, was time enough to be open and honest with them, not now. "So here it is." She moved to sit on the couch.

"You are asking for trouble. They will have questions …" I warned her. "Which we probably won't have the right answers for." I joined her, sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

"They don't have to be right .." she pulled me towards her. "They just have to be honest." She pressed a kiss to my temple and I close my eyes, trying to relax but knowing I couldn't.

"Aww" my mom smiled entering the living room. We jumped apart. "You too are adorable. Don't stop on my account. Why didn't you tell us about Gail, Holly?"

"We .. uh .. its new." I finally supplied.

"How new?" mom pried.

"Two months." Gail answered.

"That's 8 weeks." My mom calculated. "Shame on you Holly, we usually get some introductions by week 6 or at the least a phone call to say you are seeing someone."

"Yes Shame on you!" Gail teased patting my leg. "For keeping me a secret." she kissed my cheek. I wanted to scream! I wasn't the one keeping us a secret! She was! Wait I was?

Taking seats on the accent chairs positioned on the ends of the couch. My mom served plates of pie and handed me a glass some drink she had found in the fridge, while my dad brought out a six pack and handed Gail a beer. I rubbed my hand over my face uncomfortably and in sheer frustration. Gail was about to get the "Boyfriend Test" from dad.

Though I had never brought home a boy, dad hadn't alerted the test he used on Hilly's boyfriends. My girlfriends had to sit through the same set of uncomfortable questions and I had watched them all fail. The only person that had every passed it was Mackenzie …

The beer was symbolic, if Gail accepted, she passed step one. If she refused she was a wuss who did not know the value of a good beer. A good beer was the start to a good friendship my dad believed. He once said it turned boys into men and men into soldiers and created a brotherhood that was unbreakable. If a man was able to do that, he was good people in my dad's book. I need Gail to be seen as 'good people' in my father's eyes. As old as I was, his approval was important to me. Many a relationship had ended on his disapproval. I had just wanted more time to prepare Gail for this. I needed her to pass.

"Thank you Sir." Gail accepted the beer, broke the cap and took a drink. We all watched her expectantly. I hadn't been particularly worried. Gail wasn't one to refuse alcohol. Step two was how much alcohol she could consume while he questioned her. The drinking part was easy; Gail would probably drink my dad under the table. It was the questions that worried me.


	17. I just wanted you 1

_ AN: Let's feed the addiction lol_

* * *

_It was the questions that worried me..._

"So … two months." Dad frowned at me, no doubt computing the short span between my breakup with Mackenzie and my new found romance with Gail. The math wasn't ideal and my inability to transition out of that relationship had made things more complex than necessary.

"Yes sir." Gail responded although it hadn't been a question. She shifted nervously on the couch, even crossing and uncrossing her legs to get more comfortable.

"and how long were you single before you started dating Holly?" he asked.

"Ummm…" Gail searched her brain, her eyes glancing to the ceiling as she did so. "A few weeks maybe." she earned herself a frown as well.

"I see." He took a drink of his beer and pondered her response before he asked. "Have you ever been married or engaged?" it was like he was questioning her from a list, and Gail looked at me hesitant.

"I have been … engaged … briefly." She used the beer to drown a stubborn lump. I hadn't known Gail had been engaged. Who had she been engaged to? Chris? Nick? Or someone else entirely? Then I thought again, was it necessary that I knew? Did her being engage before change what we shared now? It didn't. Did it make me love her less? It hadn't. Did it hurt not knowing? Not really. It was just something else to know about her.

"Why did it end?" my father pressed.

"He decided that he no longer wanted to be with me." It was an honest answer.

"He?" my parents' interest rose as silence fell and imaginary crickets chirped around us.

"He…" Gail confirmed. "I didn't find my true self until later."

"How much later?" my dad wanted to know and mom and I frowned at him, he was getting too personal.

"Until Holly." Gail responded easily glancing my way. She smiled too and I was relieved that the question hadn't offended her. It had offended me.

"So how is the relationship going?" he asked. Gail looked to me for confirmation. I could tell she was unsure of just how much to share with my parents. I took her hand in mine; it was a silent gesture of trust. I wanted her to know she could tell them whatever she felt comfortable in sharing about us. She already knew I had told them nothing. Which was why they were asking her and not me this particular question.

"Good ..." she said nodding her head. "It was a little bumpy at the … start." She took a drink of her beer. "But we are good now. Right?" she asked me.

"Yes we are." I smiled and pressed a kiss to her cheek, she stiffened at the contact. Which amused me, my mom did say it was okay. "We are really good right now." I said confirming her statement.

"Bumpy …because of Mackenzie?" my mom ventured finally joining the conversation. Gail nodded grimly and mom's expression softened sympathetically. She had understood my struggles with Mackenzie. She also knew that anyone that followed had undeservingly large shoes to fill.

"I liked Mackenzie. Good head on her shoulders, good career." My dad commented before placing a fork of pie to his mouth. "What happened with that?" he asked and the room fell silent again. My mom sipped her drink uncomfortably, Gail bristled squeezing my hand tightly and I wanted the couch to swallow me whole. His 'dementia' had apparently returned.

"_James…"_ mom scolded. "_They broke up months ago_." she reminded not so gently.

"I know that love." He told mom tempering her mood with the term of endearment. "But why? You guys were good together." he pressed having no regard to how uncomfortable Gail must feel.

"Mac didn't love me." I sounded defensive. "She did at the start." I acknowledged. "But she hasn't for a longtime." He seemed satisfied with that. "So it ended dad." There was no need to give dad the details. He would understand the need to get out of a relationship with someone who no longer loved you. He'd been there before.

"and do you?" he asked Gail.

"Yes sir. I do." Gail responded confidently and directly to him. "I love Holly. I love your daughter sir." My insides went to mush and inwardly I squealed. She had made reference to it yesterday on the step but here she was now saying it aloud and proudly, to my parents no less. Our hands still entwined I leaned in to press a kiss to her shoulder, then another to her cheek, once more she went rigid at the contact. She didn't want me kissing her in front of my dad. I understood her concern, but how could I not?

"I love you too." I whispered and I felt her cheeks curve into a smile against my lips.

"Well, that's a good start." Dad commented before taking another drink of his beer. "What do you do for a living Gail?"

"I'm a police officer sir."

"How long?"

"Four years." The interrogation continued. I ate my pie silently.

"What rank?"

"Police Constable 1st Class."

"Have you thought about getting promoted? Detective maybe…More salary, better benefits." He suggested.

"I have considered it." Gail touched her slice of pie for the first time, letting the question linger before she responded. "I had … I had a bit of a set back…" she was referring to her kidnapping. "But it's something I'm strongly considering." She told him "Next rotations are in a couple of months...I may apply."

"You _should _consider it." My dad told her, but it no longer sounded like a suggestion. It was his way of letting her know that he didn't think she measured up professionally. I squeezed her arm, knowing that the knowledge must have hurt.

"Yes sir." she responded before taking another drink.

"So how did you two meet?" Mom asked. She was trying to change the subject. I appreciated her efforts.

"On a case." I provided.

"Was it like a meet-cute?" mom asked with the joviality of the 20 year old. My mom watched way too many romantic comedies.

"It was kind of a meet-cute!" Gail smiled, glad for the change in topic. "She busted in on my crime scene. Without identifying herself, carrying a lunch box. I had no idea who she was. So I stopped her."

"I thought it was obvious! It's _not_ a lunch box!" I laughed, so did mom and Gail. Dad still had his poker face on.

"It wasn't obvious!" Gail grinned. "She was like 'I'm the _Forensic Pathologist_. You need to learn your _Medical Jurisprudence._" We laughed as Gail mimicked me badly.

"Then we spent the entire day in my lab. She was really good company and I just knew we would be friends at least …"

"But it turned into more …" Gail added her eyes locking on mine " and I'm happy it did." she finished with a smile.

"Me too…"

"So what are your intentions with Holly?" my dad asked.

"Dad!" I shrieked. "Her intentions? Why would her ask that? "I'm a grown woman. So is Gail." I told him sternly. "You don't need to answer that" I told Gail.

"Yes you do." he told her.

"No you don't!" I assured her again.

"My intentions are pure sir." She said ignoring me and answering my father. "I want to build a relationship with you. A life Holly." She was answering his question but talking to me. "We are both very complex individuals, so I'm not really sure what it will look like …" Gail kinda laughed at that and I shared the sentiment. "But I'm hoping it will be filled with memories that are unforgettable. A relationship that, when you are feeling upset or down, you know you can come to me, always. I want us to have a love that's strong enough to forgive the mistakes and forget the heartaches and I'm hoping that it will last a very long time." She smiled and I must have cried because she wiped a tear from my cheek. "So I'm very serious about your daughter sir. I'm not here to waste her time." Her comment was a deliberate stab at Mackenzie and I smiled at the fact.

My father nodded his poker face softening as he raised his beer to Gail. It was still early times yet, but for now he would accept the fact that I was dating Gail. They now had a quiet understanding between them. With Gail in my life he didn't have to worry quite so much.

The conversation moved easily to my childhood and all the embarrassing details that came along with it. Mom and I were sent to the kitchen, while dad talked Gail's ear off about his gun collection and war stories. I even saw them showing off 'battle scars' which came with their own set of stories. Then they watched a soccer game together, Gail pretended not to be bored as she cheered for dad's preferred team and asked intelligent questions about the match, he was more than willing to teach her the game, with all the long winded explanations that went with it. She was being a real _sport_ about it. I would have to _thank_ her tonight. A few hours later and to my joy my parents were ready to leave.

"Gail" my father said shaking her hand. "It was good meeting you. Don't be a stranger now."

"I won't sir." Gail promised before my mom pulled her into a hug, kissing her cheeks.

"Both of you come to dinner next week." Mom invited and we promised we would. She kissed both my cheeks and hugged me tightly. "I like her." Mom whispered to me. "Don't break her heart." And I understood her reason for saying so.

"Call your mom, she worries." My dad said giving me a hug.

"I will dad." I promised before they left. "I'm sorry; my dad asked so many questions, but in my defense I told you to hide." I told Gail closing the door. She shrugged and moved to the couch.

"I didn't mind." She flopped on the couch and clicked on the TV. "I'm trying to give you open and honest." She stretched out a leg on the coffee table and flipped through the channels.

"I know and I appreciate that."

"But.." her brow arched. I moved to join her on the couch, tucking a leg under me as I sat.

"That was .. painful. Especially when he asked about your engagement and job."

"It was." she admitted touching my knee. "And I don't like being compared to your ex, especially when it's so unresolved but I'm trying …for you …for us because –"

"I love you." I said cutting her, she grinned her eyes seemed to sparkle at that.

"That's my line…" I cup her face, pulling her to me until her forehead rested against mine.

"I love _you_ Gail Peck." I whispered.

"Like Santa loves Christmas?" she asked and it was my turn to grin.

_"Like Santa loves Christmas."_

"Like bread loves butter?"

_"Like bread loves butter."_

"To the moon and back?"

_ "To the moon and back." _I promised before she kissed me, pressing her lips softly to mine, kissing me with such emotion and tenderness that everything inside me stilled. When I opened my eyes she was staring at me. "You don't have to worry about Mac anymore." I assured her. " I took care of it. I think she finally understands that I'm yours. Only yours." I told her softly.

"How? When?" she wanted to know, so I told her everything…


	18. I just wanted you 2

AN: Someone was like _don't_ skip the sex scene. LOL I had fully _intended_ to skip it, because it has zero bearing on my plot point, but alas here we are. I aim to entertain and please.

* * *

I watched Gail from the door way of the bathroom as she sank into a well deserved bath later that evening. Her hair rolled into a bun, she leaned back to rest her head against the white folded towel, her blue eyes closing, relieving dark lashes against pale skin, her nose turned up to the ceiling. She looked peaceful and content as her chest rose and fell as she breathed. As I stood there, arms folded, my body took respite against the wooden frame. I paid reverence to the silence between us and silently sent a prayer to whoever dared to listen. Thanking them for allowing me this second chance with Gail. Thanking them for her ... her strength … her trust …. her commitment and mostly her love … because I had not been deserving of any of it. I took a ragged breath and promised to be better. For her I could be better, I could do better because she had deserved better.

"Want to join me?" it was a slight interruption of my thoughts, but I didn't mind. She could interrupt me _anytime._ Her eyes were soft, her brow questioning as she scanned my features, her arm extending over the tub calling me. I shook my head slowly, declining her offer.

"There is room…I'll make room…."she offered.

I shook my head again. "Enjoy your bath. You deserve it."

She nodded before sinking further into the tub and I watched her for a few more stolen minutes before I left.

* * *

"Careful .. It's hot." I warned as I handed Gail the mug. Too many beers with dad were finally having an effect. She was perched in our bed, naked from her bath with the sheet thrown about her. She inhaled the aroma of the steam and sighed. I watched her take a careful sip, and then cocked one eyebrow. "Too strong?"

"Its perfect" she told me with a grin. "Just the way I like it."

"How was your bath?"

"Heavenly." I ran a finger over the curve of her jaw, my touch gentle, her skin warm from the coffee. She leaned into my touch. I flatted my hand against her cheek and used a thumb to caress her mouth. "You should have joined me." She bit at my finger.

"Next time" I whispered and she smiled pleased with the answer.

"Do you go back to work tomorrow?" she took another sip and I watched the cup all the way to her lips. My eyes darkened and breathing changed. How could drinking coffee look so sexy? Her eyes flickered she had noticed the change in me.

"Bright and early." Gail watched me over the rim of her mug and I frowned; I was going to miss spending the entire day with her. Maybe she was right about not wanting to share. It was more fun with just the two of us. She arched her brows at me. "Gonna miss me?" she took another sip and I watched her swallowed.

"Always…" her hand touched my thigh, my voice tensed. The lone night shirt had been a poor choice. "If you come by tomorrow night …" she pushed her fingers higher up my thigh and I sucked in hard. "I'll have a surprise for you" my eyes changed to heated bronze.

"I like surprises." She purred sultry at me.

I watched her inhale slowly watching the amusement gather in my eyes but I knew it was the slow bloom of heat in my dark pupils that had her breath catching.

"You are acting mighty bold for a lady sitting there without a stitch of clothing under that sheet you got pulled up to the stubborn chin of yours." I murmured gently as I took the cup from her hand.

"Hey, that's my coffee" Gail protested in a voice too breathless to sting. I didn't answer, instead I set the mug down with precision, then reached for her. When my mouth found hers, my eyes were already closing.

Our bodies jerked together the instant my lips touched hers and I felt the curl of heat and a rush of need, but when she reached up and linked her arms around my neck, I drew back.

"It's my turn to thank you" I murmured, my eyes glittering with desire.

"Aha" I removed her arm from my neck and placed them down on the bed, holding them. "Then thank me" her voice sounded thick.

"Yes ma'am" my mouth was soft at first, then more unrelenting as I made a thorough exploration of her lips, her throat and the sensitive skin below her ears. My teeth were insistent and eager as I drew her earlobe into my mouth, and then took small nipping bites. She gasped seemingly unaware until how exquisitely sensitive that part of her anatomy was.

Desperate she slipped a hand from beneath mine and grasped my shoulders. Once again I drew her arms to her side, refusing to let her hurry me. I was in control yet it seemed as though it was her need that was driving me, her soft moans guiding me. Her pleasure paramount, even though I was fully aroused. The wetness between my thighs was proof of that. Yet when Gail moved to touch me there, I restrained her.

"Gail..."

I pushed the sheet to her waist, exposing her breasts, when my fingers touched her breasts, she pushed against my hand, her response driven by pulses of pleasure and need. Her skin burned, her nipples arched. My fingers were adroit, arousing her to the point of frenzy before moving on to another spot, another ache.

"Holly…" she whispered, desperate for me.

"Soon" I whispered before fastening my mouth over one breast. I sucked gently at first, then with an urgency that lit a blaze within her. When I shifted to the other breast, she cried out in frustration and joy, her hands escaping to thread with desperate need into my hair.

Tiny pinpricks of pleasure and pain assaulted her nipple and I felt her writhed uncontrollably, she fought to escape my grip, wanting to free me from the prison of clothing separating us. I sucked in hard when her fingers brushed against my slippery flesh and my cheeks turned a dusky red.

"Not yet.." I grated, my harsh tone matching the tension in my face. She knew what her touch did to me.

"Holly … I need you." Her desperate cries told me I could deny her no more. I ease her down on the mattress and I felt her shudder as I lowered my head to kiss the most intimate part of her.

I found her hot and damp and the knowledge that she was ready for me both thrilled and humbled me. Using my fingers and lips, I worshiped her until she was writhing beneath me. She must have gone mindless because her breath swooshed from her as she crested, shuddered and gasped, her hands opened and closed and tugged on my hair, but I didn't stop. The pleasure went on and on. The muscles in her legs quivered but she was powerless to stop the shaking. The blood swarmed my head as I felt the rake of her nails against my scalp. I felt her dissolve again, her urgent cries filling me with wild happiness. The depth of our desire for each other always surprised me. It was magic, it was holy. It must have come over her again suddenly because she arched back with it; getting lost in the overwhelming convulsion as she cried my name…..

_Hours_ later after satisfying our need for each other Gail found strength from somewhere, and poked me in the arm. "What was that?"

I rolled off my back to lean on an elbow looking at her. "Really excellent sex."

Her head nodded in agreement. "I should make you thank me all the time."

"Hmm" I pressed a kiss to her shoulder. "Yes you should" it was a growl. I moved so that I braced over her, supporting myself with one arm bent at the elbow, while I reached down to part her thighs with the other. The heat of my breast burned against hers and she sighed at the pleasure of having me so close.

"If you say you're ready again after that. You're a liar. Holly." She looked exhausted but content.

"Well now Officer Peck, I take that as a challenge". Gail jerked when my fingers touched her silken heat.

"Holly …" was the complaint but she opened shamelessly to accept me.

* * *

I came to alertness in the dead of the night, not the least bit surprised to find myself all but buried under the warm heavy body that was Gail. She liked having me close so I had been pulled under her, her thigh between mine, her hand on a breast and her face nuzzled into my neck. In my need to have her back, we still hadn't tackled the bed hogging issue, but it wasn't her warm presence above me that had woken me.

I felt her move suddenly from me, rolling to her side of the bed and heard her shuffle things on the nightstand in the darkness. It took a moment for me to realize that she was searching for her phone, it was buzzing on the night stand that had woken us.

"Hello? Yeah ..its me." she sounded groggy probably still half asleep. "Mmhmm .. yeah." In the darkness I felt her sit up, planting her feet on the floor as she spoke in hushed tones. "Fuck.." she cursed still whispering. "I _just_ got back. This was supposed to be a one time thing." She told her caller. I heard her sigh, her hunched shoulders rising and falling in the moonlight. "Ok. Yeah … I can be there. Text me the address" She said before ending her call.

"Baby..." I reached for her in the darkness, my hand finding her back.

"I woke you?" she sounded concerned as she looked back at me.. "I'm sorry, go back to sleep." she leaned over to kiss my forehead. "Its work, I have to go out for a bit." My brow furred in the darkness. It was 1am in the morning.

"Work?"

"Yeah." she sounded wry as she stomped around in the dark throwing on clothes. "My undercover assignment got extended."

"Does that mean –"

"I'm not leaving." She assured. "I just won't be in uniform for a while."

"What will you have to do?"

"Holly. I can't talk about it." she told me regrettably. I felt foolish for asking, I knew better. "Go back to sleep hun. I'll be back soon." she stomped around in the dark for a few more minutes before she left.

It wasn't until 3 hours later that Gail returned, finding me under the covers, pulling me to her, demanding sex, I was more than willing to give. She tasted of booze, and smelt of cigar …. and perfume that was _not _hers _or_ mine…


	19. I should've let you win 1

AN: Guest, I'm glad it turned into more than a one shot too : ) It's been a pleasure writing for you guys.

* * *

"Thanks for taking me to breakfast." I said between sips of tea.

Gail sat across from me, drinking a cup of coffee as a finger tapped the table and her eyes darted back and forth between me and something behind me. She was anxious about something, I just didn't know what. We were in a local coffee shop that Monday; about 30 minutes drive from my office. I had complained about the distance and not wanting to be late for work but Gail had insisted on us being here. 'They have the best pastry in town' she had told me. She hadn't been lying. I was on my second muffin and she was on her third cupcake.

"No problem." She took a bite of her pastry and chewed slowly her eyes focusing on something across the street. "You have been cooking all weekend …and since I don't really cook. Taking you out for breakfast was the safer option". She smiled.

"True.." I bit into my muffin, happy that she had chosen the safer option. Normally I resented Monday mornings but this one wasn't bad. "So why did we have to come all the way up here?" her eyes narrowed. "Not that it isn't nice. It nice. I like it." I corrected. "It's just that it's far from …well everything."

"My mom works in that building over there." Gail pointed to the high rise across the street. "I'm going to tell her that I'm in love with a woman today." Total deadpan expression.

"Oh Uh…" I spurted spilling most of my tea on the table. Gail reached for the napkins and started wiping the mess. "Today? Um are you sure? Its kind of sudden, don't you think?" I felt flushed and sounded as much. "Are you ready? Are we ready?" God this news was taking me for a loop. "I'm not ready!" I cried, she laughed.

"Open and honest Holly." she reminded signaling to the waitress to bring me another cup of tea and I knew those words would haunt me forever. "I'm the only one going though. I wouldn't spring my mom on my worst enemy."

"Is she that bad?" I'd heard things.

"Yes she is." Gail didn't even try to sugar coat it. "I'd rather be interrogated by your father again." To which I laughed.

"Right, but um, you don't have to. No rush right?" I tried to sound easy breezy and casual but failed. "Your mom is probably busy .."

"Holly…"

"Hmm?"

"You were right. I shouldn't keep this confined to your apartment. I'm not ashamed of us." She took another sip. "So I'm going to march across the street and tell my mom that I'm in love with the most wonderful woman and that she can stop trying to set me up on blind dates with dudes." she smiled that toothy smile and I just about melted.

"Are you sure?" I asked I still wasn't sure about this; she nodded, slipping the last of the cupcake in her mouth. "Do you think she will take the news well?"

Gail shrugged. "I don't know. I'll find out when I tell her." The answer did not comfort me. The waitress brought over my tea and Gail ordered cupcakes to go.

"Now that you don't have work, what will you do all day?" I was curious, what did undercover cops do.

"I'm assigned to get intelligence, from a particular person." Gail explained she was much more agreeable this morning. Her friends had been right; sleep made her less of a bitch. "So I'll be doing that." She took another sip from her cup.

I wanted to ask more questions, but refrained from such. I couldn't help think about the cigar and perfume from last night and whether it was directly related to the person Gail was getting 'intelligence from'. How did cops gather their intelligence? How was Gail getting hers?

"You ok?" Gail asked concerned.

I look up from my cup and managed a weak smile. "I'm okay." But I wasn't, I glanced at my watch. "I should go …I don't want to be late." She nodded and rose to pay our bill and collect her cupcakes.

"Ready?" she asked a moment later as I was putting on my jacket and reaching for my purse.

"Yeah…" she reached for my hand, entwining our fingers, kissing the back of my hand. "You're kind of a romantic you know that?"

She playfully rolled her eyes, as I pushed open the door. "If you tell anyone, I'll deny it." she told me as we left the coffee shop. I leaned my head on her shoulder, a smile creeping to my lips as we walked the small distance to my car. When you're in love Monday mornings weren't bad at all.

"This is me …" I said nervously. We'd never been so public before, it was making me giddy with all the sensibility of a hormonal teenager. I pulled open the car door and she placed the box on the car top.

"Mmhmm …" she purred.

"Will I see you tonight?" I pulled Gail by the lapels of her leather jacket, stepping into her arms as they rounded my waist.

"If you want me to …" her voice was raspy as she brought her mouth closer to mine. A Shiver of anticipation ran through me.

"I want…" her mouth touched mine in a sweet tender kiss that sent warmth to my toes. My arms atomically encircled her neck. Lazily as though time was irrelevant, she nudged my mouth open with her tongue, and then found mine. Tips touching, she kept the kiss gentle, even though I felt her breath quickening. Gail ended the kiss too soon and I fought a wave of disappointment.

"You like?" she teased, her mouth still only inches away.

"Very much" I admitted.

"Then I'll be home later." She promised.

_Home._ She called my apartment home.

"You'll call me? Let me know how it goes with your mom?" the meeting with her mom worried me. I was worried for her, even in the face of her bravado.

"Of course." She kissed me again. "Go to work, I don't want to make you late."

Reluctantly I released her and eased into the car; she closed the door and collected her box of cupcakes. She waved me goodbye before I drove off. I really hoped her meeting with her mom went well.

* * *

"You busy?" Mac said approaching my office door. I look up, above the rim of my glasses and tried not to groan. She was paused at the threshold. She looked unsure if she should enter or not. I was unsure of whether to allow her to enter or not. The awkwardness of the breakup had yet to pass.

"No …" I tried not to sigh. "Come on in." I waved her in, setting the samples aside that I'd been examining. "What's up?"

"Remember that case, from the construction site?" I nodded; how could I forget? She opened the file in front of me. "Remember we were thinking that one person killed both men and that they were killed at the same time?" I nodded again as I studied the file. "The soil samples came back."

"My pinned vic was there at least 3 months before your gunshot vic." I reasoned out loud based on my understanding of the report before me.

"Exactly." Mac agreed. She leaned over my shoulder, resting a hand on it as she pointed to words on the report. I tried not to flinch. "The report also shows that vic 1, was killed then moved to be buried. While vic 2 died where he was buried …"

"So maybe the first victim was an accident." My preliminary examination along with my colleague's report had alluded to such. "And second victim found his body and the killer, killed him in panic when he found out..." I reasoned again.

"That's my theory." Mac confirmed. "I'll call detective …. " Gail had just walked into my office looking sullen. "… detective Nash." Mac finished uneasily

"Do I need to tell you to get lost? Because my presence implied it." Gail said thirsty crossing her arms as she leaned back against the counter.

"We were just …" Mac began.

"I'm not in uniform. So don't think I won't hit you." Gail warned. "And you would deserve it too for trying to kiss her."

"Look…I'm…" Mac strengthened her posture, her hand finally leaving my shoulder. I shook my head stopping her, now was not the time. Mac gathered her files. "I will let you know how it goes Holly." She told me before leaving.

"We were just discussing a case … baby nothing was happening." I tried to explain to Gail once were alone. "She wasn't trying anything."

"I don't care." Her tone was harsh. "I don't want her anywhere near you." I sighed and she took a seat on the stool across from me.

"Can't you switch jobs?" it was a demand.

"You work with your exes." I gently reminded.

"Its _not _the same thing Holly." She dragged a hand through her hair in frustration and that's when I noticed it. I move to her, kneeling before her. I sweep her hair from her cheek to examine the bruise that was forming on the left side of her cheek.

"Gail …" she shook her head from my hand, trying to escape my reach. "Baby what happened.." her eyes looked pained and that's when I noticed she'd been crying. "Who did this?"

"My mom …"

* * *

AN: Someone asked if there was going to be shootings, kidnapping etc. Based on what I have in mind, I don't see there being any. My aim is to cause emotional injuries not physical ones, plus I think I make these two suffer enough without threat of mutilation and death. Lol Wouldn't you agree? But there will be some work related conflicts that impact their relationship, but unless it was completely AU. I find it hard to write them, without mentioning their jobs especially Gail who is defined a lot by the work she does. That's being said as always thanks for your follows and reviews; they make sleepless nights worth it.


	20. I should've let you win 2

"Your mom?!" I could not contain the horror in my voice or expression. My mind was reeling what could have possessed Gail's mom to hit her? There were many reactions that one would expect a parent to have in this circumstance; joy, acceptance, disbelief, anger, but outright violence? "Why would she hit you?!" I asked leaving her for a moment to take an ice pack from the under the counter fridge in my office. Gail was skeptical as she looked from me to the cold pack. She even tried to shift her face from my reach as I tried to apply it to her face. "Its _not_ frozen human remains." I assured but she remained unconvinced. "Its _not _..." She winced as the cool pack touched her burning cheek, but I also saw her take a ragged breath of relief, the physical pain was subsiding but could the emotional ones? "Gail ..." I said after a moment. "Did she hit you because of us? Because of me?"

Gail didn't answer but it was enough to confirm my fear. I had been the cause, loving me was the cause of the pain she currently suffered. As she looked at me her cobalt eyes seem to loose their spark and she closed them, squeezing them as tears fought to escape. Her head followed shortly after, lowered in pain, anger, regret or some other emotion she had yet found the words to express.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered kissing her hair.

I felt helpless, no amount of hugs, kisses or 'I'm sorry' could make this better make this hurt any less for her. How could I fix what I had indirectly caused? I kissed her head again, more for my own comfort than her own but it did nothing to ease the ache in my heart or the burden upon my soul. I'd known in my gut that telling her mom today was a bad idea. I just hadn't known how bad. Maybe if I'd been there with her it wouldn't have gone so badly. I felt her tears touch my knee as her body shook and she stared haplessly at my feet before I felt rather than heard her quiet cries. Yet they somehow still had the power to deafen the room and seem to shatter the glass that walled my office. Her cries gripped at my heart and made it hard to breathe. If I could just breathe … maybe all this would seem less real.

"Gail …" I lifted her head, holding her face in my palms so that she could look at me, her hair fell like velvet curtains around her face, trying to hide … mask the pain there. Brushing the blonde locks from her face, I dried a few tears with my thumbs. "Tell me what happened …"

* * *

With purposeful strides Gail Peck pushed open the large doors of the glassed high rise building. It was now or never, but all the confidence she felt moments ago with Holly was slowly fading. The brunette with the heart stopping half smile provided Gail with a strength that rivaled only those of Samson. Being in love with Holly and being loved by her provided the fuel ran through her body. It was the coffee that got her through the day. It made her believe in happily ever after and put a smile on her often sullen expression. That's why she had to be here today.

Open and honest was what Holly had asked for, but it was more than that. How could she fully love Holly and fully commit to this relationship with her, if she couldn't share it with her parents? How could she hide a part of herself that she'd finally found? So Gail stepped forward not as boldly as she would have liked, but forward nonetheless and made her way to check in with the front desk security. He was an elderly man, whose years had not been kind to him; he was impatient too, like time was not his friend. After a few security checks that felt like a cross-examination he gave her a security pass and pointed her to the elevators.

Gail paced the lobby for several minutes, wiping her hands against her jeans, suddenly developing a case of sweaty palms, coupled with a nervous tummy. Maybe the third cupcake had been a bad idea.

"Breathe Gail ..." she told herself as she stopped at the elevator, staring at the metal doors. Wishing they would swallow her whole. Like the Whale did Jonah. Holly may have been right. There was no rush; she could do this next week or never. The problem was she feared her mom, more than a child should. More than a woman her age should. The elder woman intimidated her and made her feel small and at times just plain useless. To do what need to be done, she had to overcome that fear somehow. Could she overcome the fear?

"You can't _will _it to open." A voice said behind her and Gail turned slightly to see the front desk security looking at her. "You have to actually _press _the button." He gave her a pointed look.

"I know that!" she snapped but fidgeted a few seconds before finally pressing the button. The elevator came to life opening with a ding causing her a jump backward. It had been there all along. The guard laughed and she glared at him.

"See, that wasn't so bad." He was being sarcastic. Ignoring him Gail stepped into the elevator and pressed the desired floor. She nervously stuck her hands in her pocket as she door closed, taking her to her much awaited fate.

"Um hi … Good morning" Gail greeted approaching the desk once the elevator doors opened.

The graying haired woman at the desk looked up from behind spectacles and smiled. "Good morning sweetheart." she greeted. "How can I help?"

"I'm here to see Superintendent Elaine Peck".

"Do you have an appointment?" the lady flipped open a book in front of her.

"Um no?" Gail sounded unsure. She'd never had any reason to visit her mom before. Should she have made an appointment? "Do I need one?" she asked the woman. "I'm Officer Gail Peck" she answered confidently "… her daughter." She said less certain.

The woman smiled again. "I was sitting here wondering why you looked so familiar, there is a picture of you on her desk … younger though, with shorter hair in uniform." The lady recalled.

"Yeah …" it was a slight acknowledgement of the fact. The picture in question was probably the one from two years ago. The photo her mom had taken from her only visit to 15 Division.

"You can have a seat right there." The lady pointed to the row of chairs in the small waiting area. "I'll let your mom know you're here." She made a quick phone call voiced in inaudible tones before she hung up. "She'll be right with you."

"Thank you." Gail said taking a seat in one of the waiting chairs and there she sat for the next fifty minutes.

"You can go in now Officer Peck." the receptionist said breaking the silence in the room.

Gail looked up and stifled a yawn; she'd dozed off because the wait had been so long. "I can go in?" she wasn't sure she'd heard the lady correctly; she had been sleeping after all. The lady nodded. "Thanks" she said rising stiffly from the chair and making her way to the large oak doors.

Once inside, Gail saw her mom, fully uniformed minus the hat and jacket, her hair in a tight bun. She was on a phone call, plus making notes on a notepad. With the lift of her pen Elaine signaled for Gail to come closer and the blonde nervously did so, closing the door behind her. She stood there awkwardly for another fifteen minutes or so as the phone call turned into a tirade about patrol cars being used for joy rides.

"Alright make it happen, so I can make it sound good." Elaine told her caller. "I want results by the end of the day Charlie." She said before disconnecting the call. "Sweetheart, it's good to see you!" She greeted remembering Gail. "Come closer let me have a look at you!" Elaine rose from her chair and made her way over to Gail, pulling her into a hug before scanning the younger version of her self from head to toe. "You look fat." She decided. "Who has been feeding you? How do you plan to pass the fitness test in a couple of weeks?"

"It's good to see you too mom." Gail told her flatly, but the older Peck remained unfazed.

"Why do you have your hair loose like that? It's too long for work." Elaine Peck made a face. "You should cut it to an appropriate length. It looks like its forgotten what a brush and comb looks like."

Gail refrained from groaning. "I'll think about it mom, but I actually wanted to talk to you about something. That's why I'm here."

"All right." Elaine stepped back to lean on the edge of her desk. "What's on your mind?"

"I've met someone …" Gail felt the nervous butterflies spring to life but tried to ignore them. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she imagined, her mom was in a good mood and seemed relaxed and interested in listening to her. "For the first time I'm in love." She forged on. "Mom, I'm in love and it feels wonderful." She told her happily. "For so long I've searched and struggled to find that connection with a person." She smiled to herself remember how wonderful it felt to be with Holly. " A person who makes me want to be better. Who makes me not want take reckless chances when I'm on patrol. A person that when I look at them, I can finally see forever and growing old doesn't seem so scary." Gail took a courageous step towards her mom. "I'm in love and I want to embrace it fully and I want you and dad know, because I'm happy. Really happy."

"Is it one of those nice young men I've set you up with?" Elaine asked. She had high hopes from her list of suitable young men. Hand picked by her based on their family connections and career prospects. Gail could not go wrong from that list.

"No mom. Its not." Gail disclosed, knowing that, that fact alone would disappoint her mother. "I met her at work. It happened suddenly and at first I wasn't sure, but being with Holly has changed my life. I found love, just when I thought I wasn't capable of it."

"What's the name of the person?"

"Holly." Gail said with a smile. "Dr. Holly Stewart." She said confidently and that's when she felt her mom's hand connect with the side of her face. Gail grabbed her burning cheek in horror, tears stinging her eyes from the pain that laced through her. She rubbed at the pained stop in disbelief at what just happened.

"Shut up. Stop talking this instant." Elaine demanded pointing at her. "You can not be in love with a _woman. _You _will not_ be in love with a woman."

"What?!" Gail challenged. "I'm a grown woman. You _can't,_ tell me-" another slap connected to Gail cheeks and this time the tears came with them.

"You listen and you listen to me _very _carefully." Elaine told her. "You may be grown all you want, but I am still your mother!" Elaine hissed. "You do not get to tarnish our family's good name! You are not allowed to step out of line and live your life on some fanciful wimp of falling in love with a woman! It's bad enough that I have to deal with Steven falling for that two-bit hussy baby mother, who can't keep a man!" She said referring to Tracey Nash. "But I will deal with that in its own time." Elaine sounded disgusted.

The nerve of her children, after she had worked so hard to build the respect and fear this family deserved. Now they were here trying to make her the laughing stock of the entire Police Force! "You _only _get to be two things in this life Gail. One is a Peck and you date and marry as such and the second is a Police Officer and you pursue a career in that profession. Being _gay_ is _not_ one of them!" Gail was still clutching her jaw as she cried listening to her mom tell her, what she could and could not do with her life. She hadn't realized it at first, but this woman as small in stature as Elaine was, had been an albatross around her neck, Elaine controlled her life and had been doing so her entire life. "You are to end the relationship with the girl immediately!" Elaine pulled opened her office door, signally the end of this discussion. "And this will be the end of this nonsense from you."


	21. Instead of using force

forgot to warn you in the last chapter that I was switching tenses. Hope it didn't throw anyone off or make the chapter difficult to read. I switched tenses in this chapter as well, but by the end its back to Holly POV. Again I'm Sorry; please don't hate me too much!

* * *

Gail looked to the door that and been opened for her and she considered for a split second to walk right through it and speak no more of this nonsense as her mom had called it. It would have been what was expected. It would have been easier to follow the rules, stick to 'Peck Manual' and do exactly what her mother had said, but as she stood there clutching her jaw and tears rolled down her cheek. Gail knew she didn't want easy. She was tired of easy. If she wanted easy, she would have left Holly at the first sign of trouble. She would have left when Holly demanded an open relationship, when Holly withheld the truth about Mac or when Mac tried to kiss Holly but no, she had stuck it out for a reason. That reason still existed. That reason was love.

So Gail straightened up, discovering strength that minutes ago had been impossible to find. She let go of her aching jaw and she took a step towards her mother. She wanted a life; her _own_ life, by her own rules not ones dictated to her by this woman and the only way she was going to get it was to take it. Independence wasn't given; it was fought for with blood, sweat and tears. She'd already she'd tears; she was more than willing to provide the blood and sweat if needs be.

"My relationship with Holly is not nonsense!" Gail told her mom firmly. "You don't get to call it that! You don't _ever _get to call it that. You don't get to put a stain on my love for Holly by belittling its value; because it's the best and most honest part me." She told Elaine truthfully.

"Stop this impudence immediately!" Elaine said gravely, closing the door. She didn't want her receptionist in the lobby overhearing them. God knows the woman liked to gossip. Also Gail had never been one to speak out of turn, this Holly person had been a bad influence on her daughter.

"No I will not stop!" Gail said amazed at the conviction in her voice. "My life is _my own_; I forgot along the way that I had a choice in this." She admitted regretfully. "But I do I _don't have_ to do what you tell me to. I'm not some puppet you get to play around with or some pet you command what to do."

Elaine drew a breath. "You are being disrespectful young lady." She scowled and she would have slapped Gail clear across the face again if the younger woman hadn't stopped her, holding her by the wrist firmly. Blue eyes matched blue as they squared off. Gail's eyes narrowed as her mother's widened.

"It's a shame that you think you can beat me into submission." Gail said sadly before releasing Elaine's wrist. "And I guess in the past you have but it was more along the lines of emotional abuse." She conceded. It wounded Gail to realize that her mother may never accept this side of her but it also made her realize that it wasn't her problem. She wasn't the problem here.

"You are _not_ gay Gail." Elaine insisted rubbing her wrist. "I will not allow it." She said in a tight angry voice.

Gail had started to cry again, but the tears weren't a sign of weakness. They were an expulsion of all the hurt and anger she felt, Gail was finally being freed from the emotional chains that bound her. "If I'm gay. Then I'm a gay mom. If I'm in love with a woman then that's who I am. You don't get to tell me who I am!" She practically shouted. "I am proud to be who I am. For the first time in my life, I am proud to be me. You don't get to take that away from me!"

The anger bubbled in Elaine as Gail continued to openly to defy her. If she couldn't beat her into submission, there were other ways of handling this. "Take a knee Gail." Elaine said strictly. It was a technique she'd used on her children when they were younger to calm them down, to keep them in line, it usually worked but today Gail was being defiant, she even stood taller if that were possible. "Take a knee!"

"No!"

Elaine sighed and decided on a different approach. "Take a knee Officer Peck." She said calmer. Gail dropped to one knee without objection, head bowed. Gail was first and foremost a police officer; she wouldn't disobey a direct order from a superior officer. Her mom circled her, taking deliberate steps as she watched her. "You are correct." Elaine finally said. It pained her to admit it but Gail was correct. "Your life should be your own, your choices should be your own and the consequences of those choices should be yours to bear." she explained. "Therefore if you choose this path, with this woman, let me be clear that you no longer have a place in this family. You can no longer be my daughter."

Gail took measured breaths a she listened to her mom. Knowing that in the moment she was faced with one of the most difficult decisions of her life. Was Holly worth giving up her family for? Was Holly worth giving up all she knew? Could she forget who she had come and who she wanted to be and go back to a life that made her miserable? She stayed there on bended knees torn between the choices she had to make, but knowing which one she ultimately had to choose. There really wasn't a choice in this.

"What is your decision Gail?"

"Being gay is not a choice I made. Loving Holly wasn't a choice." Gail raised her head looking up at the woman who had raised her. Regret and disappointed marred her expression as tears flowed without restraint. How could things between her mom take such an unhealthy turn? "It's who I am and it's what I'm meant to do." She inhaled a ragged breath. "I guess then …. I'm no longer your daughter and therefore no longer a Peck." She said rising to her feet. She moved to the door, her fingers clenching the knob before she slowly turned it. "I'm sorry you can't accept who I am." Gail said turning to look at her mom, but Elaine was unflinching as she watched her daughter. She was never one to back down or admit defeat and she wasn't about to start. Gail had made her bed, now she had to lie in it. Elaine folded her arms across her breasts and leaned against her desk as she faced Gail. As the silence stretched unhealthy between them, neither moved, each hoping the other would change their minds, but neither did and so with a heavy heart, Gail pulled the door open and left.

* * *

Gail's explanation of the preceding events had been long and tearful. It yanked at my heart and made me angry and helpless all at once. Why would her mother do this? How could finding your self and being in love bring about such hate and lack of understanding in people? How could a mother do this?

"Baby … I'm so sorry …" I said pulling Gail to me, wrapping my arms around her, wanting to take the pain away or at least share it somehow. "But what …" I felt confused, like I had been hit by a ton of bricks and had been left completely disorientated. "What does this mean?" Does she never see her family again? What about her father and Steve? What did being a Peck mean exactly?

"It means we'll be spending Christmas with your parents and every other holiday after that." It was a dry laugh that lacked humor. "And whatever 'privileges' I may get for being a Peck on the force are no more." She dried her tears and sighed.

"I'm sorry." I felt like I had said it a million times already but I didn't know what else to offer her.

"It's okay Holly." She cupped my face and pressed a kiss to my lips. "I made the right decision." She sounded sure of that. I didn't share the sentiment. Could I live with the fact that she gave up her family for me? The burden seemed to outweigh my strength somehow.

A phone rang just then, but the ring tone was unfamiliar and I scanned my office to see where the offending noise was coming from. To my surprise Gail took the offending device from her jacket pocket and checked the caller id. I found it odd that she had an extra phone, but didn't question it. She sighed pinching the bridge of her nose, but declined to take the call, instead she made it ring out eventually going to voicemail.

"Mom?" I inquired.

Gail shook her head and got to her feet. "Work." She observed herself in the glass walls of the office and checked her cheek where it had begun to show the distinct lines of a handprint. "Think this can pass for a bar fight injury?" she grinned cocking her head at me and I shrugged finally getting off my knees. I really didn't know or felt like joking about it. "Hey, cheer up." She touched my chin lifting it. "It's not the end of the world." But it sure felt like it. "I thought it was too … at first, but I'm here and you're here and we are together and happy and healthy and we are going to be ok." She promised.

I nodded my understanding because my words would have betrayed me somehow. Gail's lips where on mine then, but there was nothing sexual about it, her mouth and tongue sought comfort and familiarity. Her arms wanted the security of having someone to hold. So I leaned closer, wounded my arms around her neck and surrender to it, giving her something that was exclusively hers, in the face of having lost so much. "I want to give you something." I said once we parted.

"Hmm?" her perfect brow rose questioningly at me.

I reluctantly moved out of her arms and went in search of my handbag, finding the key there. "I want you to have this back ..." I placed it in her hands and she stared at me speechless. "I know it's not much … but its home. You have a home and you have a family in me." I told her before she kissed me again. Words weren't needed to express her gratitude, I saw it in her eyes and I felt it in her kiss.

Her phone beeped and between kisses she checked the message. I watched her sigh and pinch her noise again as she read over the message and before she could finish doing that, it rang again. Gail rolled her eyes and sighed. She looked annoyed at whoever was trying to reach her. Who was trying to reach her?

"Give me a sec." she told me and moved to the corner of my office to answer the call. Her voice was low as she spoke, but I could make out words such as. _'I'm busy.' 'Me too'_ and '_I'll come by later.'_ Gail took a breath before she turned to face me. "I have to go …" she apologized "I have …. Work."

"Ok" I nodded. "Will I see you later?" I felt like we needed to discuss the situation with her family more and have some kind of action plan. She looked at her phone again before she responded.

"I'm going to really try." Gail kissed me again. "I just …" she sighed again and looked down at the phone. "I don't know how long this will take."

"Its okay, just come when you can." I tried to play it cool. "I just wont cook dinner or wait up" I smiled " … and remember to .."

"I know!" Gail laughed cutting me off. "I'll try to be quiet." She pressed her lips to mine, longer this time. "quiet like a cat …" she grinned into the kiss, then her mood settled. "I love you Holly…" It was a whisper against my lips.

"I love you too …"


	22. Let me in

**A/N:** You guys are amazing! The reviews we're especially funny and informative for Chapter 21. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I guess misery likes company because its nice knowing that I'm not the _only_ one this story makes anxious and keeps up at night. lol I'm the captain and you guys are the crew. We go down with the ship together, right? Lol So lets sail along to Chapter 22.

* * *

I'd been staring at the wall clock for what seemed like hours, not wanting it to go faster but oddly slower. In fact I wanted it to stop altogether, and possibly go back in time and undo all the damage that had been done, especially for Gail's sake and if I were honest for a little bit of my own.

It was hours and a missed lunch later but the situation with Gail's mom still weight heavily on my mind and that damn cryptic phone call. They had me examining a single hair sample four times. I was distracted to say the least. I took off my glasses, rubbed my tired eyes and all but rested my head on the desk. Hoping that a nap would put to rest this misery. The pun was not lost on me but I was just too worried to laugh. The burden left by Gail's mom felt daunting.

Daunting and burdensome.

Was I going to be enough for Gail? Could I effectively fill the void left by her family? Could Gail really live without her family? Could I live with knowing that? Was our love strong enough in the face of strong family ties that had been forged for years … generations? Would Gail change her mind and leave? Would I change my mind and send her back to them? There were just too many questions and not an answer in sight to ease my worried mind.

Then there was that phone call. Who was she talking to on the phone?

"I guess blonde and brooding has left for the day?" That was Mac standing at my door, her voice startled my already troubled mind and I jumped, crookedly placing the glasses back on my face.

She laughed, finding humor where I found none.

I crinkled my brow at her, and straightened my glasses. "Please don't call her that. Gail's more than that." It was a request but I doubt Mac would grant it.

"But you admit it, she is blonde and brooding. More brooding than blonde and I didn't think that was even possible." Mac laughed at herself. I shrugged.

"Please stop making fun at her expense." I frowned.

"Okay."

"She's just going through some stuff." I took a peek at the hair sample again but it still puzzled me.

"I know." Mac said and that put me on the alert.

"What do you mean by _you know_?"

"I heard you guys talking." She didn't even try to hide the fact that she'd been eavesdropping.

"Really?! You listened in on a private conversation!?" I snapped annoyance lacing my voice. "That's low Mackenzie, even for you!"

"The door was open and still is." Mac said easily, my tone didn't make her flinch at all. "So you're her first." She said relaying to me my own facts. "Parents disowning her because of you. Hmm … How's that working out for you?"

Terrible! Just terrible! Absolutely terrible! There were good times and bad ones, but every day was an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight. It was like we were two buildings with a wrecking ball between us that took swings meant to break us but for some reason we were still standing, still hanging on. Please hang on Holly, my brain screamed.

"That's none of your business!" I told Mac. "But if you must know its working out wonderful. We are in love and we are going to get through this together."

"So you're in love?" curiosity sparked in her green eyes but hurt framed her features. "That was fast."

"Yes! We are in love." my tone was defensive. "Anyway it's none of your business. We aren't friends. .. Anymore."

"Aren't we?"

"No …You are my ex." I took a breath and steadied my nerves. Mac had a way of riling me. It had been the best and worst part of our relationship. "Why are you here?" I finally asked.

"Brought back your hair sample report." she held up the blue file jacket in her hand. "So, are you going to invite me in?" Mac pivoted on a foot at the doorway. "Or am I going to have to stand at the doorway from now on?"

"It's an idea I'm strongly considering." And I meant it but Mackenzie was a coworker if nothing else. "Come on in." I told her. She handed me the file and pulled up a stool while I skimmed the document for a minute and sulked. "I could swear this was hair from the killer, but this shows it's not hair at all." I frowned.

Mac took the file from me and read it for a minute, before her lips curved into a smile. "You are correct its hair."

"What? No, there's not a thread of DNA in it. It's a string of plastic." My frowned deepened, and then it hit me. "Wow Molly! Its synthetic hair!" it was finally making sense.

"Right a wig." Mac confirmed. "You've been off your game Stewart, you would have caught this ages ago." even I could admit to that. Mac peered over my shoulder to look in my Petri dish. "And from the length and color. It more than likely belonged to a woman."

"Yeah, I can't see a man in a 12 inch red wig." I agreed.

"Besides, the bullet trajectory showed that the killer was significantly shorter than the victim about 5 feet 4 inches in height."

I nodded, pulling out my phone to update Tracey on what we found. Once the call ended, I turned to Mac. "Thanks .. for helping me on this."

Mac was quiet for a moment before she spoke. "No problem, if I can be nothing else, I can sure as hell be a really good coworker." I smiled at that, maybe there was hope for a stress free work relationship with Mac in our future. "Holly .."

"Hmm?"

"I know I messed up my chance with you." she confessed. "I know we can't go back." she conceded. "I also saw the way Gail looked at you. She loves you .." her voice cracked slightly. "and I want you to be happy so, I'm hoping it works out with Gail."

* * *

It must have been late, deep into the hours that called home to night when I felt Gail ease into bed with me. It must have been late, because I had fully and finally found the enigma that was sleep. My mind had finally found peace. Peace with that fact that because of me Gail was without her family. Peace in the knowledge that her mother had disowned her. Peace that she loved me enough to make the decision she had.

Peace. At least for tonight.

Gail's movements were jagged, lacked grace as her knee parted my legs and she moved over me. I tasted the alcohol on her lips as she sought a kiss and that's when the scent hit me ….the perfume from the night before …. Maybe I was imagining it because subconsciously I was expecting it to be there, but it quickly killed any mood that was about to be created.

"Baby … not tonight" I sighed now warding off her advances. She frowned, taking a deep breath as I felt her chest rise and fall against mine.

"Hol… don't … please. I need you …" It was a clement plea as I felt her hand slid between my legs, trying to stroke me but selfishness got the better of me and I stiffened at the contact and locked my legs. I felt her body jerk, and saw her eyes darkened in the moon light. She was no doubt surprised and wounded by my rejection but I saw a bit of anger in them too.

"Gail … I'm tired." It wasn't an outright lie. "Not tonight please." I told her. It was a shitty thing to do and I instantly felt bad for it, but I didn't want Gail touching me when she reeked of another woman. Where exactly had her lips and hands been all night?

"Ok." she finally told me dejected before she pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. It was a moment before her hand moved from my thighs and she eased up fully to move to her side of the bed. The movements were awkwardly done like it was a foreign concept her body wasn't use to, that it _didn't _want to get use to.

I laid awake for a long time afterwards staring at the ceiling. My body chained to my part of the bed, my mind conjured up images and scenarios that would rival those only of the greatest movie directors. Who did the perfume belong to? A fellow undercover police officer? A random person she had come across while on duty? Was it her mark? What did she look like? Was she prettier than me? Did Gail find her attractive? She must have, she'd allowed her close enough to … to leave her scent on her. Then again maybe it was nothing... but the earlier phone call held my mind in doubt. Serious doubt.

I glanced over at Gail and watched her sleep or rather pretend to, on her side of the bed. Her body was too tightly held for her to be actually sleeping. Tonight the white sheets between us divided us like tiny islands separated by a vast ocean, without a bridge in sight. Gail had her back turned to me and hugged her pillow closely as she laid there naked, with only the sheets about her waist, she'd wanted intimacy tonight. Needed it somehow. The knowledge fell like a crap storm on me. I shouldn't have denied her.

I was also naked.

I had _wanted_ to be intimate.

"Gail?" I whispered in the still of night. "Are you awake?" I felt lousy about my earlier rebuff.

"Yes." it was a tight grumbled response.

"Baby .." My voice was soft trying to ease the tension. Trying to bridge the gap I'd caused. "Come here …." I ran a finger down her spine and when she turned I moved into her arms, seeking her kisses, her touch and her possession. The perfume was nothing. The call could be explained. I told myself, the small pledge felt forced upon my brain, but if I just kept saying it, soon enough I would believe it right?

"Are you sure?" concern strained her features as desire fought for freedom.

"Yes…" I breathed guiding her hand between my legs. "I want ..." my words got swallowed in her mouth as her need for me broke free like wild mustangs on a chase and as we clawed and sucked and teased our way to ecstasy. Two things became certain. One, Gail's need for me had evolved, her love making was more desperate and possessive and she gave more than she wanted to receive. I couldn't help thinking it was atonement for something. And two, there was definitely the scent of another woman on her. It was not my imagination.

We made love that night, not because I felt guilty for my earlier rejection, there was that, but because I couldn't and shouldn't deny her the pleasure of my body, especially when I had no concrete evidence to prove that she was seeking the pleasures of another woman. The perfume and the half heard phone call weren't proof in itself. I needed more, so as we laid there in the aftermath of our love making, Gail sound asleep between my breasts , my finger tips gently stroking the blades across her back. One thing was clear. I needed to find out whom that perfume belonged to.


	23. I put you high up in the sky 1

AN: Okay crew; let's see who can get through this chapter without say OMG. I dare ya Lol.

* * *

Gail woke me with a kiss that tasted of coffee and a smug smile that had me feeling deliciously warm, right down to my toes. She was perched on the edge of the bed, her blue eyes like glass as they peered down at me unblinking. She was searching my eyes for something and after a moment I saw her smile, finding something she liked in them. I couldn't help but wondered what Gail saw when she looked at me.

What did she see in me?

"Good Morning." she finally greeted.

I blinked up at her from the nest of covers and yawned. "Good morning." I pulled the covers tighter. I wasn't in the mood to get out of bed. I'd barely slept a wink. "What time is it?" I tried to look at the alarm but I was too lazy to properly adjust my body to see it.

"Early .." she noted before presenting me with a mug.

"Coffee?" she nodded with a smile and I reluctantly sat up in bed because I really needed that coffee. She adjusted the mug, pointing the handle in my direction.

"Careful its hot." she warned before she carefully handed me the cup and I took a moment to inhale the smooth aroma before taking a tentative sip. It was perfect. Life line restored.

"You went for your jog already?" I asked because she was wearing gym clothes.

Gail nodded her confirmation and took a sip of her coffee. "How did you sleep?"

I shrugged a reply.

"Did I hog you again? Made it uncomfortable for you to sleep?" She seemed concerned.

I nodded slowly. It _was part_ of the reason.

"Ugh …" she sighed. "I didn't have that trouble before …with my exes…" her head hung slightly, causing a few strands to fall loose. "You could put a pillow between us at nights …" it was a suggestion.

"We'll work on it." I smiled, touching her lap. I didn't want her worrying too much about it. Right now it didn't seem like such a huge problem in the grand scheme of things. Why had I let it brother me so much in the past?

"I … um …wanted to ask you something." Gail was approaching whatever topic she wanted to discuss cautiously.

"Hmm?" I tried to sound encouraging, though my stomach did flip flops. What did she want to talk about?

"Were you mad at me last night?" it was an honest question. Had I been mad at her last night?

Yes.

Unwarranted? Time would tell.

"Why would you ask that?" I asked before taking another sip of my coffee.

"It's just that you didn't want me to make love to you ..." the sadness in her voice echoed in the room and my heart. "and then you did…." She was trying to communicate more. I could appreciate that. "I'm not complaining. I'm not. …I enjoyed it. I did." She took another sip of her coffee and I watched as it forced its way down her stubborn throat. "but I was wondering if you were upset with me for some reason ...why you didn't want to at first." She took a long breath afterwards.

I took a beat and drank some coffee. How did I approach this? Do I bring up the perfume now?

"Did I make too much noise again when I came in?" she was offering me a reason to be mad at her. "Is that why you were mad?" her blue eyes were cheerless as she spoke. "I tried, really tried to be quiet." She paused and sighed "I'm…I'm sorry." She finally said. The words hadn't come naturally.

I hadn't heard a thing, she'd been ninja quiet.

"No …you were quiet." I said ending her misery. "You did really well at being quiet." I touched her lap and offered her a smile "I was just tired …" I assured. I needed proof before I accused her of cheating.

"So if I let you get more sleep. You won't withhold sex?" she asked and I saw the wheels in her head turning. I laughed at the simplicity of her solution. If only all our problems could be solved like that.

"Sure, why not. " I confirmed with a crooked smile before taking a long drink of my coffee.

"Good! I'll make it happen." Gail placed a kiss on my forehead. "You'll see Holly!" she kissed my lips this time. "I smell." she sniffed at herself. "I need a shower." that was a fact.

"Gail … we still need to-"

"I know, talk about my mother." She sighed. "Soon, I just can't deal with that now. I have to focus on work but we will." she promised before she was off to the bathroom leaving fallen clothes in her wake. I sat there in bed and finished my coffee.

I had just taken my last sip of coffee when a phone rang. Not mine or Gail's but the other one. I had a fleeting moment of common sense before curiosity got the better of me and I went in search of it. I found it in the living room in Gail's duffle bag.

I paused like a spooked burglar … listening to the shower run before I pulled the device out of Gail's bag, I watched it ring two more times, the name _'Candy'_ flashing on the screen. Candy? What kind of fucked name was Candy? Against better judgment, I looked at the text history, but there was none. Who didn't send text message in this day and age? Disappointed I checked the call history. 23 calls to Candy ... Only to Candy in the past two days. Plus countless amount of calls to her the week before when Gail had been undercover. No other number was being dialed. Who the hell was Candy? I thought about calling the number but it would only confirm what I already knew. Gail was calling_ another_ woman.

Oh God … no…

I could ping the location of the calls. I _did_ have access to the technology, but it was a prepaid phone and I would have needed to intercept an actual call to do it. Annoyed I stuffed the phone back in the duffle and that's when, the scent hit me, my nostrils flared in disgusted. It was the perfume from last night!

That fucking perfume!

I pulled out a few of Gail's clothes and sniffed at them, they all smelled of it! I checked the clothes more thoroughly, checking the necklines and collars. They were all clean expect, one. One of her sweaters had the distinct outline of a pink lipstick stain on it. Another woman had kissed her. I was going to be sick.

Gail had _let_ another woman kiss her.

Kiss her.

I felt ill, like I'd been punched and I crunched down on the floor as if in physical pain as I stared at the sweater. My brain couldn't comprehend what my eyes saw. Disbelief was the word of the day.

Gail had kissed another woman.

Another woman.

She kissed another woman.

Oh My God … Another woman.

Was Candy the other woman? Was it just a kiss or had more happened?

"Holly?!" my name was being called in the distance and I quickly stuffed the clothes back in the bag.

"Yeah?" I sounded disoriented.

"Hey" Gail smiled stepping into the living room fully dressed. "Whatya doing?" she looked down at where I knelt naked before her duffle. I wondered if I looked as ridiculous as I felt.

"I .. um …" my brain felt scattered and I played with her bag straps nervously.

"Checking for laundry?" she supplied me with a much needed answer.

I nodded.

"You ok?" Gail looked at me skeptically. "You look pale …"

I nodded again.

I felt sick. Like I was being been drained of life. I now had the proof I desperately wanted. Now what was I suppose to do with it?

"You don't have to do this laundry." Gail reached for my hand and pulled me off the floor. "It's my undercover gear; I have to hand it in to my handler before its cleaned." She told me.

I nodded weakly.

"Why don't you go shower and get ready for work?" she suggested. "and I'll go grab us some breakfast from the deli you like?"

I nodded again before she left and I hurried to the toilet to throw up. My coffee hadn't stood a chance.

* * *

So I had followed Gail that morning after breakfast, because that had been the next_ logical_ step in my mind. She'd made a stop at some abandoned warehouse and after an hour there she headed to some place called the 'V Lounge'. Yelp told me it was a strip club… for women exclusively. The knowledge had not been comforting.

I stayed parked outside hunched in my car for another 20 minutes or so before I got called in to work and had to leave, but it was now hours later and closer to 8 pm as I sat in my car and waited. Gail would show, I was sure of that. This had to be the place she was spending her nights.

Gail didn't make an appearance until 11pm; I had all but given up when I saw her exit the driver side of a black SUV. I eyed her curiously as she made her way to the passenger side of the vehicle. Her walk was different …she had swagger. Where had that come from? I watched her open the door and a woman existed.

Candy?

The woman was tall, or it could just be the 4 inch heels she wore. She was also slim built but her dress was too tight, too glittery and too silver. She adjusted it when she came out of the vehicle and I scowled. She also had on a wig, red and long with designer shades. Apparently no one told her it was night time. Gail extended a hand to her before they strutted hand in hand into the building, Gail leading the way. I sat in the car and sulked. What could Gail find attractive in this woman? I found the suggestion that she could be attracted to both of us offensive.

I was offended.

My good sense thrown out the window I pushed opened my car door and walked across the street. I wanted to see exactly what she was up to in there. The bouncer let me in without pause and I entered the dimly lit, smoked filled room. Most of the light was focused on the stage, where strippers 'performed' their routines and crowds of women flocked the stage to give them money. I took a second to watch them with interest before remembering my _real_ purpose here and I found the bar. I planted myself on a stool before ordering a drink while I searched out the room for Gail.

It wasn't until my second drink that I spotted her. Gail was in a private booth, having a drink and talking to the lady in the red wig. Once the lady excused herself another woman came up to her ... a blonde this time, well blonde wig. Wearing pink attire that covered … well nothing. Seriously some people wore more clothes showering. Was this Candy? She did a twirl for Gail, showing her, her assets and I saw Gail smiled at her appreciatively before patting a spot on her lap.

My blood boiled and I drained my glass and ordered another.

From the corner of my eye I watched the woman eagerly sit on Gail's lap, draping her arms around Gail's neck and whispered in her ear. She stroked Gail's cheek, looked deeply in her baby blue's, played with her hair, stroked her arm and played with the buttons between her breasts. Gail smiled and listened to whatever nonsense she was being told laughing a few times. Apparently the stripper had jokes. Stripper jokes?

I felt disgusted. There was no way this was Gail's undercover assignment.

No fucking way!

She was having way too much fun and what kind of information could a stripper possibly have? That she had to grope Gail all over to give her? I should have stormed over there and pulled her off my woman.

My woman!

Gail was mine … only mine.

But what good would that do me? Making a scene would only embarrass me. I needed to have an intelligent conversation with Gail about this. Preferably one, that didn't involve her knowing that I had been snooping. It seemed common sense was finding me late tonight.

As she started to give Gail a private dance, I could take no more. The blonde stripper touched Gail in a few suggestive areas as my blood bubbled and Gail stuck money in places where money did not belong. I had to leave. I had enough! I paid for my drink and got out of there in haste, bumping into a few annoyed patrons on my way out, who hurled a few obscenities at me. I ignored them as I found the main door and once through them I took a breath and made a step towards my car.

That's when I was pulled into the adjoining alley way. I tried to scream but my mouth was muzzled as I was pinned against the brick wall before I was turned around to face Gail.

An angry Gail.

Where had she come from? That's when I saw the opened side door of the building. She kept my mouth muzzled as she pulled something from her chest. It looked like a mic.

"What are you doing here?!" her tone was low but the anger was clearly there.

"I …I…" I had no answer. What had I been doing there? There was a noise coming from the door getting louder and closer to us.

"Fuck .." she cursed looking at the door. She forced me to my knees, and unzipped her pants, pulling them down slightly as she held my head firmly against her crotch. Just in time as two large men existed the building and she made a faint groan.

"Hale?" they called, then laughed when they realized what they had walked upon. "The ladies can't get enough of you huh?" one of them joked as they walked by. I thanked God for the darkness of the alleyway, the only light coming from the doorway; otherwise this ruse would not have worked. I also understood that she was trying to protect me by hiding my face from them.

"You know me, a hoe everyday." Gail smirked good naturedly at them. She grunted. "Bitch, did I tell you to stop?" she was talking to me. "Ah … yeah … I like…" she groaned while they were still in earshot. Once the men were gone she released me and zipped up her pants and I got to my feet, they felt weak for some reason.

"Go home right now!" It was said through clenched jaws. "Just go ..." she looked disappointed in me.

"Gail .."

"Don't call me that!" she whispered angrily covering my mouth, her eyes quickly scanned the alleyway "Go .. home." she pointed to my car across the street. "I'll deal with you later ..." she told me before walking off.

* * *

**A/N:** I know from all the wonderful reviews that you guys are worried, so all will be answered in Chapter 24 :)


	24. I put you high up in the sky 2

AN: The review for seriously amazing this week! Thanks Guys, you spoil me :)

* * *

How could one describe the passage of time? Light and shade – patterns seen through a kaleidoscope I'd once been told, but tonight my witness to time was marred with darkness and uncertainty as I waited for Gail's eventual return. The wall clock mocked me tonight, as I passed it back and forth, my feet making permanent prints upon hardwood floors. Each tick and tock counted down to an uncertain fate.

My fate.

I had been foolish; going to the club had been a bad idea. A _very _bad idea. What could have caused such an unorthodox behavior from me? What could have caused me to loose reason and all sense of self and purpose? What had made me behave so unreasonable?

Where was the cool, calm, collected and at times blindly rational Holly I had tried so had to become?

I glanced at the clock in dismay; the minutes had given way to hours. Sadly this gave me nothing but time. Time to think and time reflect on what took place at the strip club that night. But as recollection flowed through my troubled brain, the more confused I got. Who was the red head? What was the blonde whispering? I had been to strip clubs, they didn't talk that much. Then the most confusing part took place outside the club. Why was Gail being called Hale? Why had I been subjected to a fake blow job? There _had_ been a bulge there. I had felt it.

I heard the clicking sound of the door being unlocked and saw the doorknob turn, and then Gail entered.

My heart stopped. My fate was upon me.

"Oh hey … you're still awake." Gail said her tone casual once she saw me standing in the living room and that's when I noticed it. I had seen her that evening, but hadn't really looked at her. I'd been more occupied with finding offence with her two arm candies, but now here it was staring at me. How had I missed it before?

Gail was dressed like a man.

Trucker cap, side burns, five o clock shadow, leather jacket and loose jeans. I had missed it all. Yet somehow … it explained everything and noting at all. One thing was certain it had left me with about 100 more questions and answered one question very clearly. Gail had been on her undercover assignment at the V Lounge. She had been on the job.

I should have known better.

"Ye.. ah .." I said stumbling over the singular word. I looked like a statue in that moment … white and unmoving.

She dropped her duffle bag by the door and went into the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with a beer. I had not moved. She took a long drink of it as she leaned by the kitchen entry way as she watched me. "Everyone was shocked the first time they saw it too." she said referring to her attire. Shocked was not the word. "I would have changed, but I wanted to get here in time." she explained as she took off the cap and peeled off the sideburns and shadow.

Gail had been completely transformed. She still looked like Gail … just more butch? It was kind of sexy and there was that bulge. What was that?

"Look" she began putting a halt to my stray thoughts. "I'm prepared to admit that, I may have acted harsh before …and probably scared you in the process." she sighed before taking another drink that emptied the bottle and dropped it in the trash behind the kitchen entry.

I nodded. I had been scared.

"When I saw you there, I freaked and panicked and felt emotions I still _can't_ explain. Gail shook her head as she walked towards me capturing my face with both hands. They were cold to the touch, but I didn't mind. "I don't want you anywhere near my job, its … dangerous Holly. Really dangerous." She kissed my forehead and pulled me into her arms, where she held on tightly. My bones cried, but I was glad to be in her arms. "I couldn't take it if you got … hurt." She whispered in my ear. "I couldn't take it."

"I'm… okay …" I felt ashamed of my behavior. In my quest for truth, I had completely forgotten about my safety and here she wanted nothing more than to make sure I was safe. Gail pulled away from me then, giving me another long look.

"But why were you at the V Lounge?" she questioned. "It's not a place you usually frequent."

Panic claimed my features instantly and I took a step back from her in self preservation. Lie Holly Lie! Lie and save yourself! My brain screamed. She's not mad anymore! You can actually get away with this! Deliberately I shut it out. That voice had told me nothing sensible of late.

"I followed you …" I admitted sadly, it was time for the truth.

"What?" her confusion was evident. "Why would you do that?"

"I thought you were seeing another woman."

"You thought I was cheating?" she asked gravely. Her question made me feel dumb. Like how dare _I_ accuse_ her_ of cheating? "I'm doing an undercover assignment!" she all but bit my head off.

"I know that now!" I flung at her. "But there was all these things that made it look like you were! Gail!"

"Things like what _Holly_?" it was a grating retort.

"Late nights, you smelled weird, like another woman, cryptic phone calls and a lipstick stain. I have evidence!" I sounded like a petulant child. "Well what I thought was evidence at the time."

"Oh you have evidence?" She was mocking me as she took a seat in the club chair. "Please show me."

"You're being facetious." I pouted crossing my arms.

"I am." she admitted. "But Officer Stewart if you are going to charge me with the crime, show me your evidence."

"Fine." I reached for her bag and dug through it. "You smelled of her! Some awful perfume she wears!" I threw Gail one of her shirts and she sniffed it and smiled. That annoyed me.

"Look in the side pocket." She instructed. I did as told and found a cologne bottle. "Go on smell it." I did and it smelt exactly like all her clothing. "That's the cologne 'under cover Gail' wears" she did air quotes. "Steve thought I smelled too feminine, too much of you in fact….so we've been using that as a masking agent."

"Oh" I deflated. "Well what about the lipstick stain on your shirt?" I pulled my so call evidence out of the bag and held it up to her. "And you were making tons of phone calls to _Candy."_

"The lipstick stain does belong to Candy." she confirmed without a thread of remorse "and I have been calling her a lot, but it's not what you think.." Gail reached into her pocket and pulled out the mobile phone that had been the bane of my existence. She dialed a number and she held up the phone to me as 'Calling Candy' flashed on the screen.

"Hey, what's up?" a woman answered. The voice was distinctly familiar. I'd heard it before somewhere. "Are we still on for tomorrow? Or change of plans?"

"We are still on Andy." Gail told the woman on the phone. "I'll pick you up at noon."

Andy? I searched my brain. I had heard that name before … Andy … Andy McNally. Officer McNally! Andy was Candy?! I felt like complete and utter shit. Why had I ever thought Gail was cheating?

"Alright. Give Holly my best."

"Hmmhmm" Gail muttered before ending the call. I could understand her reluctance to share much of her person life with Andy after what had happened. "McNally is Candy my partner on the case. Satisfied now? I'm not _cheating_ on you." She rolled her eyes and flopped back in the chair.

I was satisfied but I still had questions. "So the blonde that sat on your lap and played in your hair and, touched your arms and whispered in your ear was Andy?"

Gail looked amused. "Were you jealous of Andy?"

"What? No! Absolutely not!" I shrieked and she laughed. She clearly didn't believe me.

"Don't worry, I was not having fun. Putting Andy and my personal differences aside, her stripper moves could use some work."

"What about Hale? The blowjob?"

"I shouldn't be telling you this." She said in that husky caustic voice that I'd come to know so well, then she relented. "Hale transitioned from girl to boy …the owner has a liking for that. So I'm her 'errand boy'. We are investigating the disappearance of several transgender people, with their last known whereabouts being the club. She frowned, her eyes moving from me to something in the distance, her mood had gotten pensive. "We think they are being kidnapped, being used as drug mules, with the promise that when they are done, their surgery would be paid for…the two men in the alley frequent the club on a regular and may be involved in the drug trade. I didn't want them seeing you and linking you to Hale. In case …"

"Gail …that puts you right in the middle of it." I gasped.

"Yeah …" she admitted. "But it's the job, Holly. I signed up for this."

I nodded a false understanding because no amount of pleading would change the fact that her work was important to her. She would do it to the end even though I was scared for her.

"What I can't wrap my mind around is why would you think I would cheat on you?" Gail asked after a moment. It seemed we were back to the crux of the conversation. "I'm not that mad that you followed me, as I'm concerned as to what made you do it. After all we've been going through. Why would you think that?"

"Ugh …" I sighed dragging my hand over my face in frustration. "I didn't mean to…I know I was wrong. I'm sorry. " I couldn't be certain for a few tense moments whether or not Gail would accept my words. She deliberately leaned closer as her gaze narrowed.

"But you did …" it was a spited whisper from her.

"I wasn't thinking, the perfume, the calls, and the shirt. Just seemed to point to one thing. The wrong thing. I know that now and feel horrible that I did."

"But cheating?"

"I know it looks bad…"

"You made a huge leap from shirt, phone calls and perfume to cheating because that's what you wanted to believe Holly." Gail gave me a sardonic look. "Hell you wanted me to be cheating on you! Probably hoped that I was."

"No!"

" I wouldn't do that Holly!" she was getting angry.

"You did it before! Twice!" I threw at her and the instant it left my mouth I regretted it. Gail jerked like I'd hit her and flew out of the chair. Her eyes looked bleak and dangerous as she looked down at me. I slowly rose to my feet.

"Those where bad choices, mistakes I'd made and I owned them Holly. That's why I didn't hide them from you. I thought you understood that and accepted that it was in the past. I wouldn't do that to us … you're different. I hoped you were."

"Gail …" I tried to reach for her, but she violently shrugged me off.

"You don't trust me. " she accused. "You don't trust that I'm going to stay …You don't trust that I really want you." I forced myself to meet her darkly frowning gaze. I could not hide the truth of her words as they mirrored my own fears. I was scared that Gail would leave me and may have subconsciously been looking for my own reason to leave her. Her life would be so much easier without me in it. Her mom had given her reason to leave, if she wasn't going to take it, why was she refusing to discuss it with me? "Why can't you trust me?"

"I want to …" I cried. "I'm trying to … I'm just not …there yet."

"I'm not her …." It was a pained acknowledgement.

"Baby … I know you aren't." I sighed. Gail wasn't Mackenzie. I knew that, but my head had yet to make the distinction my heart had.

"I'm not going to leave you…."

"I know."

"Then stop punishing me for things she did!" Gail cried. "I can't pay for her mistakes and my own!"

"I don't want you to that." I gently reached for her hand and pulled her closer. "I don't want to punish you Gail" I stepped closer "…I don't want to hurt you. I just need …"

Through moist eyelids she looked up at me. "Time?" she suggested.

"Time …to sort it all out and to finally put certain issues to rest."

"Okay." she sighed heavily. "I can give you … I can give us that." She kissed me then slow, her lips warm beneath my own. Her grip on me tightened and I melted into her. I felt the bulge against her jeans.

"Thank you.." I whispered as I drew an unsteady breath. I was grateful for her understanding.

"You know I love you right?" she said between another kiss. " But half of the time all you make me feel is blind frustration" she shouted it to the ceiling even as her arms held me tighter and I laughed because even with_ that_ she still wanted me in her life. That had to mean something. Something important. "What happened to cool laid back girl from months ago?"

"She fell in love with you" I told her and she kissed me hard. "You make me crazy." We both laughed at that. "Gail .."

"Mmmm?" it was a groan against my lips.

"What's in your pants?"

"You're about to find out ..."


	25. Hard in Love

AN: The reviews were awesome! Thank you for writing them. I even saw some anxious people asking for an update :)

* * *

I woke to the feel of sunlight dancing over my lids. I moved reluctant, my body aching strangely as I felt the naked flesh of Gail curved around my own and the memory of last night came in full view. I smiled against my pillow humming slightly with wondrous recollection. It had all been strangely beautiful, even the sad parts.

Gail was leaning on her elbow, her chin on her hand, watching me. Her other hand lay calmly and possessively on my smooth naked thigh.

She laughed softly. "Kiss me." she commanded arrogantly, her eyes fixed on me. When I didn't move, just smiled at her. She lifted her chin and turned my face towards her, kissing me lingeringly. "I'm hungry." she said as she moved away. I gave her a startled look and Gail laughed gently. "For food not you." her eyes took a wicked amusement as my face flushed "but if you tempted me …."She insinuated in that husky voice. Then with a sudden change of mood, she swung off the bed.

"I'll try not to." I smirked and glanced at my alarm. "I'm going to be late for work." I groaned.

"You called in sick." she announced.

"I did?" that surprised me. I know I hadn't made a call. Had Gail made the call?

"You did." She confirmed pulling a t-shirt over her head. "You needed a day off. I made sure you got one." She told me before she headed into the kitchen. I agreed. I did need a day off. I felt too lazy to move and stretched the warm curve of my body like a sleepy cat and laid there until her return.

"I put the coffee on …" Gail said entering. "You know it won't bite you right?" She'd caught me staring at it. I couldn't help it. It brought back memories. Memories I'd tried to forget.

"I know." I shrugged hugging my pillow tighter.

"Really?" she gave me the look. "You practically ran away from it last night. In fact you did as soon as I whipped it out." She sounded amused.

Whipped? Really?

"You surprised me that's all." I grumbled. She moved to sit on my side of the bed and I scooted over to give her room as she wedged herself between me and the nightstand.

"Are you sure that's it?" she ran a hand through my bed tussled hair. "Or is it that you don't think I'm studly enough to pull it off?"

"Hmm?"

"A stud … not stud stud …but I think I could pull off soft stud. I have the upper body strength." Her reasoning made no sense.

"What?" My brain was still sleeping. What was she getting at? "You're more of a femme…Gail."

"I know but … Last night, did you refuse to let me give you strap on sex, because you thought I wouldn't know how to do it?" she asked directly. She was never one to beat around the lesbian bush. "I think I'll be good at it Hol. I know the mechanics; hip thrusting is not that hard." She reasoned.

"…"

It was way too early to be having this conversation. I buried my face in the pillow and groaned before I glanced up at her.

"I've been reading up." Gail continued. "We'll buy lube." Because lube fixed everything. "But I think it's something we would enjoy together." She looked so hopeful and excited at the prospect. How did I break it to her that I didn't want a penis … fake or otherwise in me?

It wasn't that I found them repulsive. It wasn't my hatred of penises that had made me realize that I was a lesbian. It was my love of women that did that. It was however closely related to the fact that my first and only time with one had been … scary and unpleasant. Loosing my virginity was a memory I had longed hoped to forget and had until last night. I had also never used a strap on before… Mackenzie had disliked them immensely and my other relationships hadn't gotten that far. I knew sex with a man and sex with a woman wearing a strap on was vastly different on an emotional level and slightly different on a physical one. So making love with Gail wearing a strap on wasn't going to bring up my horrid heterosexual sex memories.

What had me worried was the penetration. How did I explain that to Gail, whose had sex with men her entire life that, that level of penetration made me wary especially when the first time had been a memory I'd rather erase? Her strap on had been at least six or eight inches and that scared me.

"Holly?"

"Hmm?"

"What's wrong?"

"Promise you won't think it's silly and laugh?"

"No. Of course not sweetie" She told me sincerely.

"I've-never-had-strap-on-sex-before. My-first-time-with-a-man-had-been-just-horrible!" I mumbled hurriedly burying my face in the pillow again. I couldn't look at her. "and-I'm-scared-to-because-your-strap-on-looks-so-big!" I just couldn't face her. She was quiet for a long time and I dared not look. I felt her smooth my hair and touched my back. Then she slowly eased down beside me and I adjusted myself accordingly.

"Look at me …" Gail touched my hair again. "Please…" she asked when I did budge. With slow measured movements I turned my head to look at her. We were now laid eye to eye. "It's ok …" she told me. "It's ok to be scared."

"It is?"

She nodded.

"You don't think I'm being silly?" I asked. "It's not like I've_ never_ had sex before." I rolled my own eyes. I still felt foolish.

"I don't." Gail shook her head against our shared pillow. "We don't have to; it's not _that_ important, our sex life is wonderful just the way it is." She assured me. "But if you change your mind, and want to give it a try." I shook my head at that. I _never _wanted to try it. "Think of it as being both our first times." Gail suggested. "I'm nervous too, I've never used one, but the thought that maybe we could excites me." She admitted. "I'll make it special." She explained. That had my interest peaked. "I'll go slow … I'll be gentle …I'll be kind …. I'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear. I'll take care of you, like you did of me our first time." Her voice floated over me like a melody and I smiled my fears slowly departing. "We'll only do what you feel comfortable with and I can promise lots and lots of foreplay." I smiled at that.

"Okay" I finally answered. "I'll _think_ about it." And I would, I wasn't giving her false hope.

"Thank you." She smiled pulling her pillow from the other side of the bed and propping it behind her head as she rolled on her back.

"You just made me _hungry_." I teased moving above her. "and not for food …" I purred. Gail grinned, opening her bent legs to invite me in. She didn't even bother faking a mild protest.

I kissed inner her left thigh, then her right. My tongue warm and moist as I lowered my head to her. I breathed her in. Her scent filling my nostrils and blurring my senses. She made me senseless in the best of ways. My loins stirred. I pressed a reverent kiss upon the dark triangle patch between her thighs and her legs opened further in the sweetest of invitations.

"Please … _don't _take your time." Gail pleaded. "Taste me …" she instructed and I smiled my heart filling before taking a taste of her juices. "Mmmmm" I heard her moan. "Don't stop …"

I took another taste, slowly my tongue seeking her out, opening her up. I felt her body quake beneath me in appreciation of my efforts and my heart went wild. I knew all her secrets and knew them well but rediscovering them was time to be treasured.

"Hol …"she breathed. "Your phone…"

"Ignore it." I muttered against her before taking another taste. I hadn't even heard it ring, not that I cared either.

"It might …Ahh… be important …" Gail panted.

"The most important thing right now is centimeters away from my mouth." I blew on her for full effect and I heard her laugh, its aftershocks vibrating right through her to my lips.

"Good Morning … Holly's phone." Gail greeted taking the call. I pressed a kiss to her, my tongue darting out to stroke her slowly. Her body tensed. "Hilly? Hi. Yeah … I'm …" I gave her a full lick. My tongue rolling over her back and forth. "I'm back!" Gail gasped. "She didn't tell you?" I pulled her between my lips. Gail shuddered. "No … Yes…I'm okay…" she sounded breathless. I sucked on her. "Yeeaah?" her response sounded pained. "We … we … we…" her hand slapped against my head trying to still me. I would not be denied. "We can co … co … cum!" she finally finished. "I stuck my tongue in and rotated it like a pro. "Yes! Yes!" she tried to squeeze her legs shut, almost smashing my eardrums. "I LOVE double dates!" she breathed. I cupped her bottom with both hands and pulled her closer now mouth deep in her. "Dates get me soooo EXCITED!" Gail gasped, she pulled my hair hard. "Mmmhmmm….Mmmmhmmm" She was trying to hold it. "Byeeee…. Hil…" Gail breathed ending the call and a moment later she cried out her orgasms and they were beautiful. "You little devil." she panted with a smirk sometime later as I moved above her to lie against her stomach.

Gail stroked my hair like only she could and thanked me with words that only a woman in love could and I laid there for a long while listening to her talk about random nothings and sweet everything.

"You've gone quiet …" she said after I had failed to answer a question.

I eased up, hovering over her and claimed her lips with mine. I wanted my kiss to show my penance for my miss deeds. I'd been so wrong about so many things, yet here I was. Still in her presence, being able to listen to tales of her life. Still being able to love her. Still being loved by her. Gail's arms moved lazily around my neck and I looked down at her, my heart heavy and remorseful. How could she be so forgiving in the face of what I'd done?

I'd been so foolish yesterday. How could I ever think that she would cheat? That she would want another? How could I have ever thought those soulful blue eyes that stared up at me were shared with another? Would want another? My body relaxed against hers, the weight of my regret too heavy to carry and her legs wrapped around me possessively, pulling me to her. She _still_ wanted me close. I wanted to be close.

"I love you …" she whispered and I felt my body quiver, my emotions becoming unsteady within me. How could her words have such a profound impact on me? I felt the tear fall from my eye and watched it touch her cheek. She stilled.

"You're not going to leave?" I asked tearfully.

"No."

"You're mine?" another of my tears touched her cheek.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry for what I did."

"Sweetie its ok." she soothed touching my cheek.

"Its not." I shook my head. "I'm sorry for what I did. How can you forgive me so easily?"

"It's easy to forgive mistakes, when I've made worst." she admitted with the saddest of blue eyes. Without Gail saying it, I knew she was talking about cheating on Nick with the detective when she was jealous over Andy. I nodded my understanding and kissed her softly. "The other stuff …" she was referring to my scars left by Mackenzie. "We'll fix those with time, love and patience." She reached up to kiss me and I kissed her back, the best way I knew and the most honest way I could.

* * *

AN: Look no cliffhanger! Lol isn't it comforting NOT knowing what's about to come next?


	26. Blazing Fall 1

We had finally made it out of bed, showered, dressed, drank our coffee and eaten the French toast I'd whipped up. I was now at my desk, checking work emails; I couldn't thoroughly enjoy my day off unless I knew there were no fires to put out at work. A few reports had come in and after determining two were important I forwarded to colleagues for immediate attention.

There was an email from Mackenzie asking if I was ok, because she noticed I'd missed work but after a minor hesitation of whether to respond, I replied that I was fine, just needed the day. I looked back at Gail who was lounged on the sofa skipping channels and I couldn't help wonder if this was what our relationship would look like going forward. Would she always have a spot on my couch and in my heart? I felt like she would but only time would provide me with any real answers or peace of mind.

"Baby .." I said trying to get her attention. I watched her lips curve to a smile before she slowly turned looked at me.

"Yes sweetie?" she sounded serious, her brows curving inwards as her eyes zeroed in on me. "Honey boo? Sugar plum? Beat of my heart? What can I do for you?" Gail was mocking me but I couldn't help but laugh out loud, covering it in shocked realization of how loud and shrilly my laugh sounded. She winked at me and I laughed some more.

"You make fun, but I know you like when I call you that." I told her having sufficiently regained control of myself.

Gail stretched a hand to me, signaling for me to come over and when I did, she pulled me onto her lap. "Off course I do. I'll be your baby." she smiled and wrapped her arms around me. "Its not just the word I like, it's the way you say it too .. so soft and so sexy" she drawled ".. it just gets me." She touched my heart with her hand. "Right here." The she tiled my chin to her and kissed me then.

"You're getting soft Gail Peck." I whispered once our lips parted. "You do it too, you know." She eyed me curiously. "You called me sweetie … this morning and you weren't mocking me when you said it."

"What?! No …" she denied. "That's …I didn't." she laughed hoarsely. "No. Nope. Never. Not me."

I laughed. "Fine. Deny it all you want .." I kissed her again. "But I know what I heard and I liked it." She smiled at that. "I did want to know though, what my sister call earlier about?"

Gail looked at me, her lips twisted as she glanced up to my ceiling for Devine answers. "Um …uh…" she said drawing blanks.

"You mentioned a double date …." I remained easing off her lap to sit more comfortably beside her.

"Oh right…Hilly did mention that." she was slowly remembering. "Ech. Why would I agree to that? I date double dates" she frowned.

"Duress?" I offered cheekily. Gail grinned. "Want me to cancel?" I offered, but I really would have liked to go on a double date.

"Um ...no" Gail shook her head; I tried not to appear too excited. "We should probably do more stuff together." She decided. I couldn't have agreed more. " outside of the bedroom …" she continued and eyed me knowingly. I erupted in another fit of laughter. With the amount of time we spent in my bed, it was about to charge us rent.

"Did she mention a day? Place?" the wheels in my head when into overdrive. What was I going to wear? What would Gail wear? Something like that figure hugging number she wore to the wedding? That dress on her … had unknowingly encouraged a kiss that had led to many more.

Someone once told me, that you should only wear a dress that encouraged another to want to take it off you. Gail's dress had done exactly that. Self control on my part had left her wearing it that evening.

"Hmmm? Yes…she did." I watched Gail search her brain again. "It's a Saturday but I don't remember what she wanted to do though or where." She frowned apologetically at me.

"Its okay, that's kinda my fault isn't it?" I smiled wickedly and she rolled her eyes. "No worries, I'll get the details." I assured. "But what about your work? Won't you be busy?"

"I should …" she took a weighed breath. "I should be done by the end of the week …" her mood had turned pensive and I couldn't help think what that meant. Would there be some big take down and shootout or was it a matter of just bringing in someone for questioning and they confessed like in the TV show 'Bones'?

"Ok" I told her after a moment. I wasn't about to question her about work. She'd already told me too much. "I'll confirm the plans." I nodded to myself a tiny feeling of happiness curling through me at the prospect of the double date with Hillary and Chris.

"All right, just let me know." Gail said curling to me as we settled more comfortably in the couch. Where we stayed a while as she channel surfed for the next hour. It didn't brother me at all; it was just nice to have her in my arms.

"Has your brother or dad called?" I asked breaking the easy silence between us. "You know in regards to your mom?" I had to ask. I was still curious about her mom and how that was going, or not going.

On another day I might have thought she hadn't heard me, but I had felt her body tense immediately and I had seen the way she gripped the remote just a little tighter.

Gail pulled in a breath and then pushed it out noisily. "Not now Hol …" she told me as she rubbed the back of her neck. "Not now …"

"Ok …." I withheld my own frustrated groan. "But if you want to … I'm here. I'm here for you." Her only response was to turn the TV volume up higher. A ripple of unease passed over my features before I swallowed hard and continued to stare at the TV.

"I don't want to talk about it" Her voice was stoic as she used her body to force me below her on the couch. "But you know what I want to do?" her eyes glossed slightly as desire formed in them.

"Mmmhmm" I nodded wrapping my arms around her neck before she kissed me and I let her and I allowed her to have more, when kisses weren't enough, because if Gail wanted to use sex to ease the pain she felt from her mother's abandonment I would let her. I would let my body be the tool she needed to take away the ache and forget the betrayal until she was ready to face the pain. Because I was guilty and I felt guilt for the part I had played in off of this.

_Sometime Later …_

"Gail.."

"Hmm?" she looked up at me as she packed her duffle with an assortment of items she'd had lain out of the bed minutes before.

"Don't forget your ..."I pointed to the strap on still on the nightstand from the night before. I still had a decision to make about that.

"Oh Yeah" she grinned "Thanks" she stuffed it into the bag and leaned over the bed to kiss me. "You'll think about it right?" she had that hopeful look in her eyes.

"Mmhmm" I promised and she kissed me.

"I shouldn't be more than three hours." she told me, it was currently minutes after 12pm. "Wait for me …"

"Forever?" it was a joke on my part.

"Yes." she said seriously. "…and a day." She pressed one final kiss to my lips before she reluctantly left the apartment.

* * *

"That's quick, I wasn't expecting you until another hour …" I said opening the door. To my surprise I opened the door to Mackenzie not Gail. "What are you doing here?" the annoyance in my voice could not be missed.

"You didn't come in to work, so I came to check on you." she moved pass me into the living room.

"I sent an email. I told you I'm fine." I looked from her to the door. "You can't stay, you need to go."

"Your email was very cryptic." Mac said ignoring my request. "You don't take a day off unless something is wrong .." she was right, personal days weren't a routine for me. "There is nothing wrong. I just wanted to spend sometime …." I stopped myself. Taking a day to spend it with my girlfriend wasn't something she needed to know. "Can you just go?"

"Not just yet. Look at this report for me. That's the main reason I came over." She pulled out the file and opened it on the center table.

Reluctantly I closed the door and moved to sit beside her. It was a new murder case that had come in last night. We studied the report for the next hour and came to some conclusions. A synthetic hair sample from the body matched the sample I had in the lab from the murders a year ago. The damage from the bullet in the current victim matched the prior victim, which made us believe that the same gun was used in both shootings. There was also a lipstick stain on the victim's shirt. The colour of the lipstick looked vaguely familiar to me but I couldn't pinpoint where I had seen it before, on another case perhaps?

"We have to let Detective Nash know right away" I told Mac. I glanced up at the wall clock and momentarily panicked. "You really have to go now" I quickly shut the file and stuffed it in her hand.

"Why are you in such a rush to get rid of me?" Mac asked inquiringly. "Expecting someone?" now she was just being noisy.

I shrugged. "Gail will be home soon." Maybe the truth would send her away.

"Gail? Home?" she said dissecting my words. " Hmm…" her tone had taken a serious turn. "So she lives here now?" it was an accusation.

I refused to justify her with a response. My life was my own! I didn't answer to my ex.

"Well?" she demanded she rose to her feet and crossed her arms. "Isn't that a bit soon Holly? Do you even know this woman? Having her move in? I know how much you value your personal space. You made me wait a year!" I was being chastised in my own home.

What the hell?

Mackenzie was behaving so hot and cold. Yesterday she was all about wanting the best for me and Gail and how much she saw that Gail cared for me and now today she was accusing me of not knowing her?

What the hell?

"I'm not having this conversation with you Mac. Can you please just go?"

"No!" she practically spat the word at me. "Not until you tell me, why this is so different! What makes her so different, that you break all our own rules?"

"I love her! And I want to be with her!"

"Bullshit!"

"Why is that so hard to believe!?"

"Because you're still in love me!" she accused.

"I love you…and even after all the pain you've caused me. I will probably always love you." I told her calmer, there was no denying that. "But I'm no longer in love with you, you're my past Mac." I took a breath. "I'm in love with Gail. I need you to accept that." The door flew open right then and we both turned around to see Gail.

"What the Fuck are you doing here?" Gail demanded.


	27. Blazing Fall 2

"What the Fuck are you doing here?!" Gail repeated. She looked wide eyed and jumpy like a spooked cat.

We both stared at her equally wide eyed but unmoving; it felt like I'd stopped breathing too. Gail's appearance had come at the worst possible time. The exact situation I'd been trying to avoid was about to happen. It was like staring down the barrel of a gun and knowing you were about to die and there was nothing you could do about it. Destiny was just being cruel. This was Mac and Gail's third encounter and there was nothing charming about it. There was nothing here to defuse a situation between them either. No uniform, no work, no big brother. Just me and I didn't feel equal to the task.

I saw Mac do a double take then looked at me puzzled. I sighed. Gail looked like Hale but was this the right time to explain it? "Undercover Work …" I mouthed soundless as Gail paced. It was like she couldn't stand still.

"Well?!" Gail braked after our extended silence. She was also visibly agitated; she threw off her cap, rubbed her face and paced some more. I rushed forward to neutralize whatever was about to happen. "Mac's just here to-"

"Stop talking Holly." Gail warned between clenched teeth before she slammed the front door close behind her.

"We were looking at a report baby …Mac was just leaving-" I just had to explain. There was a dangerous look in her eyes and I feared the worst. I tried to reach for her but she flashed me off pushing me slightly.

"I am not talking you!" Gail snapped. "Holly, I'm not asking you anything." she said fighing for some level of control. I felt shunned and dismissed, but this really wasn't about my hurt feelings. Gail was clearly very upset, she had exercised so much more control the other times. Had this time been the final nail in the coffin? What made this encounter so different? "So be quiet." She told me and shrugged off her jacket, letting it fall to the ground.

"I guess it's not obvious … to a beat cop." Mac sneered finally answering. "I'm here to see Holly. Which is none of your business actually."

"Mac …" I sighed.

"I'm making it my business." Gail tugged at her collar uncomfortably.

"Because ?" Mac sounded indifferent.

"Because she's mine!" Gail snapped. I flinched.

"Yours?" Mac raised a brow.

"Yes _my woman_!" she walked back and forth between us and took off the over shirt she'd been wearing. I could see that she was sweating but the day was decidedly chilly. "Holly is mine."

Mac laughed mockingly. Disgust flared in her eyes at the very thought that I could be Gail's woman. "Right" she said sarcastically.

"Don't…" Gail warned as she moved a step forward. She had kept her distance until now, but I knew if Mac continued to push her all bets were off. She looked so feral.

"Maybe we should just stop right here." I said injecting myself in the conversation once more, both women glared at me.

"Don't what?" Mac challenged.

"Don't test me." It was a warning.

"Because …you want to hit me?"

"You're like a fucking parasite we can't get rid off! How can she move on from you when you're always around?! Don't come back to our home!" Gail shouted ignoring the bait. "Don't talk to Holly! Don't even look at her. I won't allow it! "

"You can't …" Mac began, then she changed course. "Holly, are you going to let her treat you like property?! Is that what you want?" Mac asked me. I would have answered yes, that's exactly what I wanted but Gail had her own idea.

"I don't give a fuck what Holly wants!" she shouted at Mac. "You said you had taken care of this!" her barks were now directed at me." I trusted that you had, but clearly you haven't if she thinks she can come into our home! OUR HOME! Why would you invite her here when you know how I feel?!"

"Gail ..I ..tried to get rid of her! Please don't be mad." I pleaded but it was all in vain. "She won't come back." I tried to promise.

Mac laughed at Gail's pain. I glared at her. Why would she make a bad situation worst? There was clearly something off about Gail she looked positively unhinged. We needed her calm not more agitated. "Would hitting me make you feel better? Hit me." Mac was egging Gail. "Come on, hit me!" Mac pointed to her jaw teasing Gail. "Hit me! Lets finally be done with this."

"Do not tempt me." Gail warned tugging on her v neck.

"Will it make you feel more secure in your relationship with Holly?" Mac challenged further. "Will it make you think she _actually _loves you? She doesn't love you … She pity's you …"

And that was the feather that broke the camels back because all hell broke loose in my apartment next. Gail's fist connected with Mackenzie's jaw with blistering speed that caused the red head to stagger back in surprise. Mac spitted out some blood rubbed her jaw laughing before she lunged at Gail, and the two went at it, breaking furniture in their wake. This wasn't a girl fight either. There was no name calling, hair pulling or nail clawing. This was pure fist and brawn. There was going to be broken bones and concussions.

"Stop it!" I screamed trying to pry them off each other. "Gail stop!" I shouted as she pinned Mac below her and fisted her several times in the face. "Gail! You're going to kill her! You need to stop!" I tried to drag her off Mac but her hand collided with my face, sending me staggering backwards. I cried out in terror as pain laced through my features and I held my jaw crying. "Gail! Please stop …" I sobbed.

It was futile. She wasn't hearing me; it was like her mind had gone on some dark journey, blocking her from all reason and understanding. "My mom took my family! She took everything I knew … Mac doesn't get to take you! I can't loose you!" she sobbed still hitting Mac. "She can't have you. I love you." her fist weakly hit Mac one last time. "I can't ... I need you." She breathed hard. "You're all I have left. The only one…"

And I finally understood …. Gail was scared of loosing me to Mackenzie, because so much had already been taken away from her. She didn't think she could survive if she lost something else.

" and you have me Gail!" I promised reaching for her and finally pulling her off Mackenzie. "You have me." I held her tightly as her body shook going into convulsions over and over again. I saw Steve enter the apartment just then, he looked at Gail and I on the floor, then at Mackenzie, his jaw line tightened before he sighed. I saw him check Mac's pulse, and then made a quick phone call.

"I'm yours Gail. Only yours." I whispered to her crying form as it shook, which seem to only make her cry more and more. The paramedics came minutes later and examined Mackenzie before they carried her out of the room. I hoped she was okay. Things had escalated too far, no one had deserved this.

"We need to check her …" the paramedics told me and I reluctantly handed Gail over to them. She'd calmed down considerable, a limp form of the woman I'd come to know and love.

"Here, put this on your face." Steve said handing me an ice pack from fridge; I'd moved to sit on the couch. "It should help with the swelling." I touched the spot where Gail had hit me and I wanted to cry all over again, not from the pain but from the memory of it all. "I'm sorry I didn't get there in time." He apologized and I wondered why. What did he have to be sorry about?

"Why?"

His brows knotted. "Gail got exposed to a bad batch of cocaine…" He was choosing his words carefully and I raised an incredulous brow at him. "It was part of her initiation test for the drug cartel. We would have preferred her to fake the test but this came sudden and before we knew it they were giving it to her." He told me. "We were about to detoxify her, when the lead detective told her that she would have to go fully undercover until the case closed." He sighed. She rushed off …she wanted to see you… one last time."

I nodded slowly in utter disbelief of what Steve just told me. Gail had risked her life to see me one last time and I had marred that image by having Mac here. I watched as the paramedics examined her, she seemed so life less. Zombie like. Would she even remember this tomorrow? Would she forgive me?

"How long will she be gone?" I finally asked.

"I don't know …" he admitted sadly. "Maybe a while …"And this time I didn't just feel like crying I did. Steve handed me his handkerchief and I tried to dry endless tears. "Now that she's a member, we have the opportunity to bring down the entire operation, not just one part of it." He explained and I cried some more.

"Do I get to say goodbye?" I asked.

He glanced at Gail and nodded. "I'm really sorry." He touched my arm. "I know how much you care for each other and a separation like this can be hard on any relationship." I nodded tightlipped there were no words to express how hard this was going to be.

I moved to kneel beside Gail. She was awake but I doubt she was lucid. "Hey …" I tried to smile but it was pained and she touched my cheek knowingly, she her eyes sad. "Its okay …" I reassured and kissed her palm that touched my wounded cheek. "I know you didn't mean it." I sighed. "Steve told me you'll be gone for awhile …and I won't get to see you." I watched her blue eyes fill like an ocean of tears and my heart ached. "I'll wait for you…. Forever and a day ..." I promised. "You just be safe ok?" I wiped at my tears. "You be safe and come home to me."

""Ma'am we have to go now." one of the medics told me.

"Ok" I nodded to them. "You have to go now, but I want you to now that I love you." I pressed a kiss to her lips. "I love you so much …" I told her, before they took her away.


	28. Asking Why 1

AN: I'm not offended by the comments. I value all comments that are posted about what I write because it meant you _read it_ and at the end of the day that's all writers want...Someone to read our work. I'm glad you guys are finally talking and debating and questioning what's happening with Gail and Holly. I struggle with the same questions. They haunt me at times… (Just remember guys, we are on a ship, we need all hands on deck to make it to shore … so don't throw anyone off the ship, while we air our views J). Your thoughts help me to write a better story, it makes me know if you understand what I'm trying to portray. If you feel the emotions I'm trying to evoke and if you are conflicted by these women choices, decisions and struggles.

* * *

I exhaled noisily as I took the wash cloth and gently washed the bruised section of my face. The physical pain of it had long since passed but the emotional pain had hung around to haunt and taunt me. As silent as it was, the bruise was a daily reminder of the chaos that had taken place. The chaos that had taken Gail away and left Mac in a hospital bed.

It was now four days later and the bruise was slow on its departure. The swelling had subsisted but in its place were the distinct black and blue shades of battered skin. My eye had finally opened on day three, only to be left completely bloodshot. All reminders of a face broken … broken by the rage of another. Broken by the woman I loved, but it hadn't been her fault. It could not have been her fault but she had hit me … my face reminded… She hadn't meant to … my mind reasoned.

She'd hit me…. She hadn't been herself.

She'd hit me…. It had been an accident.

She'd hit me…. She would never do it again.

But she had hit me….

I'd stared at it every day for the pass four days and I struggled to come to terms with what had transpired and it only made me angry. I couldn't hide it. I wanted to but couldn't. That would have meant I had something to be shamed of. I didn't. I hadn't done anything wrong. For the first time in this horrible mess I hadn't done anything wrong. So why had I been punished for it? Cause that what it was. Punishment. Plain and simple. Maybe I was being punished for not doing more to deal with Mac, but what more could I have done?

What more would you have done?

Everyone asked questions; most importantly they wanted to know why it happened. I wanted that answer just as badly, but she wasn't here to answer and the angrier I got. I wanted to be mad at her. I wanted to blame her. I wanted to hate her. I wanted her to know that this wasn't ok. This could never be ok. Look what she did to my face?!

What would you do if the person you loved did this to you?

But she was neither here to blame or hate and so I was left to stare upon my face and to come to terms with my fate. I was a woman who had been hit … bruised ... blackened. Accident or not, it had happened. But was I even allowed blame her? Her actions hadn't entirely been her own. Can I honestly be mad at her for something she had no control over? Was I allowed to use a drug induced action to taint her image forever?

Would you blame her? Hate her? Or just love her?

There were questions. Questions that needed asking. Would she have hit Mac without the drugs in her system? Had the drugs heightened her natural response or caused an unnatural one? Was this a one time isolated incident or just a crack into who she was? It was now six weeks after the interrogation room kiss and eight weeks since meeting her. Did I even know her?

I'd sent her on her journey with the peace of mind I knew she needed to focus on her job and do it well but there were things to discuss upon her return. Too much had not been said, but I couldn't have said it right before she left. That would have been unfair. It would have been too much of a distraction for her to think we weren't ok. Too much to think that I wouldn't wait for her . So I will wait.

Faithfully …

I would give her a chance to explain; I would try and afford her the same reasoning, understanding and compassion that she'd shown me only days ago. I had to believe that we could get past this, just like she had believed through all my misdeeds. I would try to love her with the same no fear, we can move mountains and whether any storm love that she had shown me.

I had to believe that forgiveness was not impossible for my heart to achieve.

Could you forgive her?

I touched my face one final time as I looked upon my reflection in the bathroom mirror and I released another shaky breath. While I waited for her, I still had a life to live so I gathered my emotions and reined them in as tightly as I could. There was a life to be lived.

* * *

"Chris?" I called out as I hurried down the corridor of the brightly lit hospital hallway that morning. "What are you doing here?" I asked stopping dead in front of him. He was leaned against the wall scribbling on his notepad and he looked up and smiled.

"Hey Holly." he greeted, his smile only breaking momentarily to frown upon my bruised face. "You should call your sister …" he said after a moment.

I shifted on my feet and bit on my lower lip. "I know Chris …" I had been avoiding Hillary, but I just couldn't deal with her right now. There would be too much of her blaming me and pointing all the ways I had made this situation escalate. I was already doing that, I didn't need help berating myself. "I'll call her soon …"

Chris nodded accepting the answer for what it was… an empty promise. "I was here to ask Dr. Moore some questions." He said going back to my question, his voice was nothing, if not professional .He stuck the pen in this shirt pocket and bent to put the notepad in his pants pocket. "She finally woke up." He told me straightening, but I had already figured that part out.

I'd been coming here everyday before work and after keeping vigil at Mac's bed. After the incident she'd been placed in a medically induced coma until the swelling on her brain had gone down. I could not express how happy Chris's news had made me. The swelling had gone done and they woke her. She had woken up. After prayers and promises, Mackenzie was still with us.

"Well?" I demanded.

"Well, what?" he appeared clueless but I doubt that was the case.

"Is Mac pressing charges?" I sounded anxious.

"No .." Chris said shaking his head.

"What?" his answer surprised me. What he said didn't make any sense. "Why?"

"I honestly don't know." He admitted.

"But that's good then, it means that Gail's in the clear." I reasoned happily.

"No… No she's not." Steve Peck said walking up to us and my moment of elation was shot down like a bird in the sky. He'd just come from Mackenzie's room. "Gail knowingly took an illegal substance abet it for the sake of the case. Then refused medial treatment offered to her by running off." He continued.

"Oh" I could not hide the shock in my voice. Though Steve had told me days ago, the reality of what he said just hadn't sunk in.

"Thus disobeying a direct command and thereby putting herself at risk and the public in danger … you and Mackenzie." Steve continued. "When she gets back, she faces the department's disciplinary committee. If the case wasn't so important she'd be facing them now." His mobile rang and with a scowl of annoyance he checked the caller id. "The only concessions I see them making is that her actions were more than likely influenced by the drugs in her system and not willing actions on her part." He glanced at the call once again before disconnecting it. "Her prior track record will be used to judge what she would and would not have done, which hasn't exactly been squeaky clean." He gave Chris a knowing look and I couldn't help but wonder what had tainted Gail's police career in its earlier stage. We both nodded with understanding but knew Gail faced serious consequences for her actions in the coming weeks. "How's that doing?" Steve asked looking directly at my bruise.

I turned slightly embarrassed, my chin lowering and I sighed before looking back at them. "It's getting better." I assured because it was, it just wasn't getting better as fast as I had hoped. "What are you doing here?" I asked curiously. "Isn't it against some rule, being the brother of the perpetrator?" I hated calling Gail that.

Steve shrugged. "No more than the perpetrator's girlfriend visiting the victim who is her ex." his retort was soft but it stung.

"I know …" I said frowning. I felt really conflicted about the whole matter. I felt guilty for whatever role I played in this. "But how could I not visit? I feel responsible and I don't even know what for."

"It's a rock and a hard place Hol.." Chris told me. "No one can fault you for doing what you think is right because honestly there is no right way to handle this."

"Thanks Chris …" I said giving with a half smile.

"But to answer your question … Dr. Moore asked to see me. She wanted to thank me ..." Steve told us. I looked at him puzzled. "I rode with her in the ambulance and held her hand when she became scared." He sighed; the memory seemed to weigh heavily on him. "She was scared she was dying …she almost..." he dragged a hand over his pale features and I saw his eyes reddened. "Holly, come by 15 when you are finished here. I have something to give …."

"Ok." I nodded as his phone rang again.

"I have to take this call." he said excusing himself.

I stepped off to move in the direction of Mac's room when, Chris stopped me by the arm and I turned to look up at him.

"I know it looks bad Holly." He told me. "But I need you to be strong and have faith in her. Gail would not have done this if it weren't for the drugs." His voice was calming but strong. "She would never hit you. She loves you. She would never beat someone within an inch of their life. I know her. This …" he touched my cheek. "is not her." He released my arm. "You must believe that …you have to trust that …"


	29. Asking Why 2

"You know I can see you right?" that was Mac looking back at me as I stood outside her hospital door. She was propped up by pillows flipping through a medical journal. I had been hiding behind the half glassed door, unsure of whether I should enter or not. I warily pushed the door open and stepped in. "Come closer, I won't bite …" she promised and I took a breath and moved forward. "It's good to see you …"

"You too." I admitted. "You look better." She did, anything above death looked better.

"You look like crap." Mac told me. I accepted it for the fact it was. "Was that me or her?"

"Her …" she was asking about the bruise.

"I'm sorry. I know she wouldn't have, if it wasn't for what I did." Mac apologized.

"Mmhmm" I nodded tight-lipped.

Mac sighed. "She loves you Holly. A fool can see that." She closed the magazine and frowned. "She would never intentionally hurt you. Even I can admit to that." Mac patted the space beside her and moved to sit on the bed. "I was told she had drugs in her system … bad drugs. We didn't see the signs and things got out of control. She didn't mean to hit you."

"But she did." I frowned.

"Forgive her." It was a command. "If I can find forgiveness. It should be a cakewalk for you."

"How can you?"

"I picked a fight and I got one." Mac smiled at that. "Those who start a fight and get more than they bargained for cant then claim to be a victim." She told me. "I'm not a victim. So don't you dare play one." She touched my hand then. "Maybe it's my near death experience giving me perspective but we both wanted your heart but Gail had it all along. I just refused to accept that."

"Thanks for not pressing charges .."

"I never planned to." Mac confessed. "I want you to be happy Holly. Allow Gail to make you happy. I will no longer stand in your way of happiness." I felt her squeeze my hand. "In fact, I won't even be here."

"Hmm?"

"I gave up my job, I'm going home to my parents … Alberta, for a while to rest .. Recuperate, sort out my life."

"Oh.." I nodded teary eyed. "Thank you."

"For what? Finally leaving?" Mac joked.

"No .. no" I smiled. "For the good times you brought to my life, cause there was some."

"There was …" Mac pulled me into a hug that made her wince and laugh all at once. "This is goodbye Holly." She said releasing me.

"I know…"

* * *

"Hey …" I said stopping by the detective's office in 15th Division. Tracey was there, her head bent as she tapped a pencil against her forehead as she read over a file.

"Oh … Hey …"She looked up and frowned slightly having seen the bruise. "What's up?" she said sliding over the obvious and not asking questions. I appreciated that, but I was sure Steve had filled her in on the details.

"Steve said to stop by …" I stepped into the office and leaned on the door jam. "He had something for me …"

"Hmmm, I don't know what…." her mouth twisted slightly as she spoke. "Let me call him." she suggested and used her pencil to punch in a numbers on the office extension.

Steve's phone line opened on the second ring "Hello?"

"Hey hun .." Tracey greeted.

"Trace …Hi. I can't talk now…" his voice was a mere whisper and his background was a little noisy. Two persons could be heard in the distance, the conversation was suggestive in nature and language. One of the persons sounded familiar. Gail? Trace looked up at me; it seemed she'd caught on too. We listened more keenly. It was Gail! "Make it quick..." Steve was saying. The background conversations moved to talks about unbutton shirts and lipstick kisses…

"I have Holly here. She said -" Tracey began and the background noise from Steve's end immediately died. You could now hear a pin drop.

"I'll be right around." Steve said before disconnecting the call.

"Wasn't that a little … hard to hear?" Tracey ventured looking up at me.

"Yes …" I agreed. It was exactly the type of conversation I had imagined was taking place between Gail and the red wigged lady who she had shared the booth with at the V Lounge. I had witnessed the conversation from a far, but my imagination wasn't naive. "I trust Gail." I told Tracey simply because relieving that I had tracked my girlfriend down and accused her of cheating was a conversation for another time. A time when it was a faded distant memory that could be laughed about with a round of beers. That time had yet to come.

"Still, I would wring Steve's neck, undercover or no undercover." Tracey said jokingly. "Lipstick stains on his shirt …some woman want to unbutton his shirt."

And that's when it hit me. The lipstick stain from Gail's shirt! "Holy Molly!"

"What?"

"Your double murder from a year ago, the new one that came in 5 days ago and Gail's case."

"Yeah?" Tracey wasn't making the connection.

"I think they are connected." I told her. "Let me see the report again."

"How?" she asked shuffling papers on her desk, before she produced the required file.

I quickly scanned through it. "By a red wig and a ruby red lipstick."

"Holly?" Steve called behind me.

"I think Gail's undercover case is tied to the murders from year ago and the one last week." I told him as he came into the room.

"How so?" he asked.

"Gail came home with a red lipstick stain on her shirt a few days back. It was from her assignment. I need to test it. I'm 95% certain it will match the one on the murder victim last week and I need the sample from the red wig ..." Steve raised a brow at me. "Don't ask how I know about the red wig … can you just get me a sample?" Steve remained silent and kissed his teeth lightly. He seemed troubled and unwilling to answer my question.

"Well can you get it?" Tracey asked. "It could help solve both my murder cases."

"It's going to interfere with my drug operation and we don't have enough evidence yet." he sighed and looked at his girlfriend. "I'm sorry …I'm going to have to ask you to put your case on hold for now."

"You're sorry?!" Tracey was aghast. "This woman could have committed three murders! We have to bring her in if the evidence matches!"

"Honey I know, but this operation is important. We've been trying to get this cartel for years. We're finally close."

"What about the three murder victims?"

"Their already dead!" he snapped. "They can wait a few more weeks! I've been on this case for years. I'm finally going to be able to bring down their entire operation and get them off the streets for good. How could you deny me that opportunity?"

"I can't believe you are being so selfish! All you are thinking about is how this will make your career look good!" Tracey shouted storming out, she slammed the door in her wake and I was left there to awkwardly face Steve.

"Steve .. I'm so…"

"Don't! Holly! Just don't! " His pale features had gone red as he glared at me. "Didn't you fuck over your relationship enough already?" he accused. "Now you gotta hurt mine too?" his normal clam demeanor was gone as he paced before me. "How am I going to fix this?" he was talking to himself as he stared at the door Tracey had just stormed through. Steve sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before he opened them slowly. "Against better judgment. I'm giving you this …" he reached into his jacket pocket and produced an envelope before he handed it to me and walked out of the room.

I gazed at the envelope for a long time … My name was clearly scribbled on it with the handwriting that was distinctly Gail's…. Carefully I peeled back the flap as I took a seat at Tracey's desk and read the three page letter…

* * *

Holly,

Let me first be clear that I've never written a letter before … much less a letter to a loved one. So I want you to take this for what it is. A poorly drafted scribble of mixed tenses and incomplete thoughts. There is so much I want to say … that I need to say to you but I feel like schooling as failed me somehow because I don't know how to say, what needs to be said. I don't know how to articulate what I need you to understand.

So as you read this and it's filled of things I want to say but don't have the right words to express them and feelings I want to convey but don't know how to write them. Please remember one thing …. I love you… I love you Holly because that I can say, with the simplest of words, the clearest of mind and the fullest of hearts. I love you…

I remembered …

It was bits and pieces at first, scattered fragments that felt out of reach, but I now remember most of it and what I couldn't Steve filled in the blanks. I am sorry …So sorry and yet I know it's not enough.

I was reckless, my actions unwarranted. I put you in harms way… I made myself a danger and you got hurt by me. I'm so sorry Holly. I could cast the blame on the drugs and disregard it as one drugged episode that would never happen again and it won't happen again. I can promise that but I know its making you question things about me .. about us. How could it not? I know its making you scared … unsure. I know it's causing you to loose faith. Please don't loose faith in us…

I need you to have faith.

I've seen the damaged I caused to both you and Mackenzie. Steve showed me the pictures. At first I was in disbelieve and in blind denial that I could cause such … carnage, but I've now come to accept it. I admit to it. I hurt you. I'm too proud to blame the drugs. I know I hurt you.

I never wanted to hurt you.

I took my hands and caused pain. Hands that have only ever wanted to hold you close and keep you safe. Hands that want nothing more than to caress you with the softest of touches and want to excite your emotions and stir your desires. I want us to get back to a time when I could run my fingers across your lips to part them with the invitation of a kiss, move a fallen strand that's blocking your vision and touch the cutest nose I've ever seen. I want you to want my touch. Not fear it …which you surely must do now. I don't know how we are going to fix this, but I want to try. We'll figure it out, somehow. Together we can work it out but I need you to understand I will never hit you again, unintentional or otherwise.

I will never use my hand to harm you.

I'm sorry I hurt Mackenzie. I know she's in the hospital because of what I did. I never meant to physically assault her. It was never my intention to hit her. I don't usually resolve conflicts with violence. I'm praying that she makes it through this, not just to save my own ass .. There is that, but I honestly don't want her to die. No matter our differences when it comes to you. A life shouldn't be lost because of it. Not that you aren't worth dying for ….

I'd die for you …

I just want her to be okay, because if she's not, how can we? How do I ask you to love me still if I take away the one other person you ever truly loved? How can I expect you to forgive me of that? So I hope she will be ok. I've prayed that she will be. If she's out of your life I hope it's because you walked away from her and not because I took her from you.

Please don't want away from me.

I'm still the me, who wants to be with you. I'm still the girl who ran from a baseball, played dress up in a coat closet. Danced like crazy at a wedding. Got jealous over a random date and kissed you senseless in a dimly lit interrogation room. The only thing that has changed is that I have loved you more and more with each passing day. This is not the end Holly. I'm still too much in love; I still get a silly smile on my face when I think about you. Through it all I always wanted you.

I want you.

In such a short time you have become everything that I could want and more. You're my whole life, my whole world. Holly. It's like God sent you in those woods to save me that day. I'd been lost, abandoned and unchained from my life. I needed saving.

You saved me.

I was only half of who I was meant to be before you. You made days better .. brighter there is sunshine in your grace. The nights with you are longer and more peaceful. I found peace in your presence. I need you for the days of doubts because looking in your eyes brings a certainty to my often troubled soul.

God gave me you. I need you.

I know you're worried, but this is just another bend in this crazy beautiful relationship of ours. I'd gladly take the crazy if it means being with you, because you make me feel, you make me believe, you make me dream, you make me love. I've never loved the way I love you.

I love you Holly.

So I'm asking you to wait. Please wait for me. I'm working hard to come home to you.

Love  
G.


	30. We are Chained

_So I'm asking you to wait._

_Please wait for me. _

_I'm working hard to come home to you._

I'd read the three sentences over and over again, my brain had been stuck on repeat, my tears had flowed like a river and my heart ached with longing. I ached with fear, regret and guilt. With no other way to communicate, Gail had written a letter. A woman, who mostly nodded, shrugged and made backhanded comments had written a letter. I couldn't begin to imagine the struggle, thought and bravery it took for her to write down what she was feeling. It almost scared me to know just how much she felt. Gail had been so worried about it being poorly drafted … but in reality it had been beautifully written. I almost didn't feel worthy of receiving such a letter. With the way I had behaved, my heart felt undeserving.

My fingers slowly traced an outline over her words as if touching them would bring them to life. Her words had been beautiful ... loving …simple …effective. They had to be alive, because if they weren't, how could they wrap around me like a warm blanket on a wintry day, soothing away my pain, my fears and my doubts. They made me feel loved … safe. They told me that Gail never wanted to hurt me, she was sorry for what had happened, what she did, she wouldn't blame the drugs; it wouldn't happen again. I believed her. She wanted me to have faith like she did. She wanted me. She needed me. She thought I saved her, that God gave her me …she found peace and grace in me. I made her love and chained her to a life that was finally worth living and right now all she wanted in return was for me to wait.

Simply wait for her.

How could I not? I'd already planned to, but her letter cemented in my heart what my mind had already decided to do. I could wait. I would wait. For the girl with the bright blue eyes, sun kissed blonde hair and loving words. I'd wait but not too long. I had to do something now to get her away as quickly as possible from that murderous whore and back in my arms.

"Holly?" said a concerned voice. I looked up to see Tracey staring at me.

"I was just coming to find you. We can't listen to Steve; we have to move on this!" I sounded anxious. "Gail's life could depend on this! We have to bring her home!" I pleaded.

"Are you?" she asked worried. "Did Steve make you cry?

"Uh? No. I'm fine." I said drying my tears. It was another Peck that had brought tears to my eyes. I carefully folded Gail's letter and returned it to the envelope, before slipping it into my purse. "Keep focused Tracey! Murderous whore!"

"Already on it." She smiled almost laughing. "I got word to Andy …we'll have those samples later today and she told Gail to be careful."

"Good …" I exhaled relief washing over me. "I don't want her dying before I can …just love her." I sighed. I just wanted to love Gail. With all our mishaps and miscommunications. I just wanted to love her. "I'm sorry about earlier with Steve."

"Don't be. Steve's ambitious, he's a Peck but they also love very strongly. We'll work it out." Tracey told me and I couldn't have agreed more. Peck's loved strongly. Gail's words had been … powerful ... moving…and had shown the strength of her love.

I nodded, because maybe it was okay not to be so worried about something Tracey thought could be fixed easily. Maybe that was the approach I should take with my own relationship. Maybe it was simple as just believing that _we'll work it out_. "How did you get to Andy so fast? Do I even want to know?"

Tracey shook her head. "No. No you don't."

"How mad is Steve going to be?" I said raising a curious brow.

"Let's just say I'm going to have to pull out all the stripper moves to pacify this one." Tracey laughed and I joined in, because even though what we were trying to accomplish was very important to Gail's safety, if I dwelled on it. I'd worry and that would make me no help to Gail at all. "As soon as I get them, I'll bring them by your office." She told me minutes later as I was making my leave. "And Holly …Try not to worry, Gail is smart and very well trained. Your Peck will be home soon…."

* * *

"Come on, come on …" I said hurrying the machine. It was taking its own sweet time and frustrating me to no end. Of all the days and samples for it to drag its feet on. "Come on this is important …let mama have those results." I told it. Tracey, Andy, Gail and Steve even if he didn't know it yet, were all counting on me to get this to them. I was praying it didn't match, because it meant Gail wasn't in more danger, but I also wanted it to match so that the victims' families could finally get some answers. "Will blackmail or flattery get me anywhere?" I asked the machine innocently but it ignored me and kept humming as it slowly churned out data. "What about if I promised not to use you at all tomorrow? A nice day of rest and relaxation. Will that get me results?"

"Bargaining with a machine … that's different..." an unfamiliar voice said. I looked to see an older woman. She was short with strawberry blonde hair and she wore a higher rank Police uniform, with the name tag that read...Peck. I instantly knew who she was.

"Superintendent Peck …" I greeted. I was perfectly calm, perfectly composed. For some reason with all that had happened, I'd been expecting her to turn up sooner or later. It seemed she had chosen later.

"So you know who I am …" her tone was unhurried.

"I read the nametag ..." my tone guarded.

"I'm Gail's mother."

"I'm Gail's girlfriend."

"Well. Now that we are properly introduced. How much is it going to cost to get rid of you?" she asked reaching into her purse, for what must surely be her cheque book.

"Excuse me?" I asked offended.

"You heard me." She said her tone unchanged.

"I did. I'm just surprised bribery isn't above you."

"When it comes to the well being of my daughter, nothing is above me." Her retort was icy. "And you have been nothing but trouble for her. So how much?"

"You can't pay me to leave her!" I told her in disbelieve. Wasn't what she was doing illegal or at the very least immoral? "Our relationship is not a business transaction! I love Gail, she loves me. You can't use money to get rid of me." I watched Gail's mom bristled. She looked visibly uncomfortable. I didn't give a shit.

"You may love all you want, but love doesn't keep a relationship together. You are from two different worlds. Gail has expectations that needs to be met. You do not fit into that." Elaine spat. "She needs to stop playing house with you. I can not allow her to derail her life further, look at what's transpired so far."

"We are not playing house! We really do love each other!" I felt and sounded annoyed. There was nothing more irritating than someone belittling your relationship and your love. Could I get away with decking her without a drug overdose?

"Your involvement in her life is preventing her accomplishing her goals." She told me. "I got her in on a perfectly good undercover operation that would boost her career and you came and fucked it to shit!" she now sounded angry. "Now she's facing the disciplinary committee and may loose her badge at the end of this! You caused this! You are trouble!"

Gail's mom was getting on my last nerve. She should be thankful there was a table separating us. "I am sorry for what has happened. I really am." I admitted. "I know it has hindered Gail's career, but we'll get through this, I love her enough to believe she can get through this."

She made a mocking laugh at me. "Your kind disgusts me!"

"My kind?!" now she had just crossed the line.

"Yes you're kind! The kind of people that blindly believe that love solves everything! That you can just go off and fall in love with whomever and ignore the natural order of life. Ignore what is right." She preached. "People need to confirm to rules and do what is expected of them. Otherwise their entire life goes into disrepair as it evident here!"

"Look …" I warned. "I don't want to be disrespectful to you. You are the woman who brought Gail into this world. You cared for her and loved her. You taught her right from wrong, good from bad. You taught her how to be strong mentally and physically and you helped give her life focus and purpose. You helped shaped her into an excellent police officer but an even more wonderful woman. The woman that I have grown to love and care for." Despite her faults, Gail had turned out wonderful and though I barely knew Elaine Peck. I knew she had much to do with that. "So I can't be disrespectful to you. So I'm going to say with this with the utmost respect, because you are her mother and she loves you." I took a breath then. "You broke her. You broke Gail. Along the way you broke something in her. You made her think that she didn't have a voice, so over the years she lost it. You made her believe that the only path was your own, so she followed it obediently." I suspected that Gail's own conversation with her mom had been similar in nature because I saw the light lube of disdained familiarity in her eyes as I spoke. "But Gail's grown up now. She's grown beyond your voice and off your path. She's found additional purposes in life … her own true path and if you love her like I suspect you do. You will allow her to follow it. Allow her to live the life she wants to live. That life is with me and I'm going to share it with her and love her no matter what." I sighed. "If you can't then you need to do what you said you would and just leave her alone. Leave us alone, because I'm not going anywhere. I like playing house with Gail as you call it and I plan to make it a permanent home for her." The machine finally beeped signaling that the results were in. "You need to go now. I have work to do." I told the superintendent and with a lengthy steely look, she turned on her heel and left. I couldn't fix Gail's issues with her mom, the older Peck had to come around on her own, so with a heavy heart I read the data before me.

"Tracey … "I said once the detective came on the line."Both set of samples matched ...we have to warn her…"

* * *

"Gail!" I shouted running up to her. My heart pounding louder in my eardrums the closer I got. It felt like it had been forever since I last saw her instead of two weeks. Two very long and hard weeks of worry and wear.

She was seated in one of the waiting chairs at 15th Division, her head hung, her elbows rested on her knees as she held tightly to her gun, which hung between her legs. She looked up at the sound of my voice a smile curving on her lips as she gradually got to her feet and deposited her weapon in the back of her pants. "Baby I came as soon as I heard..." I whispered to her as I pulled her in my arms. I wanted to hold her forever and never let go and I didn't … and she didn't try to escape. I felt her will and her body submit to the embrace and we just stood there as one not a breath between us. Gail was home. She was finally home.

"God I missed you ..." I heard her whisper.

And something in me broke. I could no longer hold back the tears. I didn't want to either. I had no reason to. Gail was here. I no longer had to be strong or brave, because I was neither. It was now okay to release the fear and worry that I had held on so tightly to for the past few days. "I missed you too …I was so worried." my voice cracked.

I felt her inhale me deeply as her lips brushed against my neck and her fingers trailed down my spine. She released me slowly to look at me and slightly self conscious I wiped at my tears. "I was worried you wouldn't be here….Thank you …" she told me and I frowned slightly. "For waiting …you didn't have to, not after ..."

"Shhh …we can discuss it later." I threw my arms around her again. "I'm just glad you're here." I felt her smile against my cheek before I stepped back. "Can we get out of here?" I wanted to take her home. Take care of her. Show her the love I had longed to give.

Gail frowned "No … Not yet." She retook her seat and I took the one beside her. "I'm waiting to be debriefed. Do you mind waiting?"

"No" I said shaking my head. I'd wait forever if that's what it came to.

"Thanks." It came across as a sigh, she looked tired and raggedy and a bit dirty.

"What happened out there?" I asked foolishly and she frowned.

"I can't…"

"Ugh .. I know sorry .." I kept forgetting. She couldn't discuss an ongoing investigation. Idly I used my thumb to wipe away a smudge from her cheek. "… but we found out that the red wigged woman killed those three men because they rejected her when they realized she was transgender. How come she didn't try to kill you?" I asked patently. While Steve and his team had busted in on the drug base. Gail and the woman had been nowhere to be found. It wasn't until today … two days later that Gail had surfaced with a confession in hand and the wigged lady handcuffed.

"Officer Peck?" We both looked up at the lady who had opened the door in front of us.

"That's me." Gail confirmed.

"You can come in now." She told us.

"Thank you." Gail said rising to her feet. The lady nodded and disappeared behind the door. Gail turned to me; I saw her face change and grew quite pale. "She didn't try to kill me … because … I didn't reject her …" she sighed before heading into the office.


	31. We are Chained 2

Don't over think it. Don't over think it. Don't over think it. Holly … Don't over think it. My brain warned but from the moment Gail stepped foot into that office I had been over thinking it. I tried but I could not have helped it. I was over thinking it! I kept thinking the worst possible thing. That Gail might have cheated …but she wouldn't not after the letter. Right? But what if her life had depended on it? What if to be right here with me now, she had to do the one thing I feared the most?

"You ready?"

"Hmm?" I looked up wide eyed at Gail as she looked down at me, her blue eyes questioning. "Um .. yeah, you ready?" I countered.

"Yeah." She nodded and offered me her hand. "Let's go home."

"Can we go to your place tonight?" I asked boldly.

Gail only looked slightly taken by the request "Sure." She finally responded and that surprised me. I'd mentally prepared myself the world's best sales pitch.

"So what happened in there?"

"They just asked what happened. I told them." She explained as we made our way out of the building. "Then they took my gun and badge and I'm on one week leave … suspension until the committee meeting next week."

"Oh .. I'm sorry hun." And I was. It was going to be hard with this hanging over us for another week.

"It's ok." Gail sighed as I pushed opened the front door for her. "It's just what it is, but I know exactly how I'm going to spend all my free time." And her voice had that suggestive tone to it.

"Sex? Really? That's what's on your mind?" I laughed as we stopped by my car and I disarmed it.

"What? Yeah! You got something else you'd rather be doing with me?" she pinned me against the car and leaned in slow … real slow. It was a taunt. I drew a shaky breath as I watched her. "Don't you miss me making love to you?" she teased before I felt her lips upon my neck and I was succumbing to her. I tilted my head back and accepted the sweet assault of her lips. There was no shame in missing her. No shame at all. I had missed her.

"Gail …" it was a weak protest but a protest nonetheless. I had missed her but … "We should talk first…before …." I felt her tense against me then she leaned off me.

"You're right." She accepted and pulled open the passenger door of the car. "We should talk."

"You're driving?" I asked as I eased into the passenger seat and handed her the car keys.

"Obviously …" her tone was lightly sarcastic. "You don't know where I live." She said before closing my door.

* * *

"Surprise!" all Gail's friends shouted once she turned on the light and entered her home. I watched Gail's face light up like stadium bulbs as she read the large banner that said WELCOME HOME GAIL and made her way through the cheers and warm embraces of her friends. Which included Steve, Tracey, Oliver, Celery, Chris, Hillary, Andy, Sam, Nick and Dov. She accepted the beer that was offered her and took a seat on the couch as they surrounded her and moved easily into conversations about her single-handedly bringing in a serial killer and made fun about how criminals just confessed at the sight of her. I watched her for a moment, just happy that she was here. Just happy that I could see her laugh one more time before I began my duties as host.

"Um hey …" Steve greeted as I was putting a tray in the fridge.

"Hi …" I straighten and closed the door.

"I wanted to apologize for last week .." he began nervously. "I got mad at you for no apparent reason."

"So you had a reason?" I said stubbornly.

Steve chuckled softly accepting the retort. "I was mad because of everything that's been happening with my family. It feels like we're falling apart over this Holly." His expression turned solemn. "Mom and dad are at odds, Gail's life seemed to have spiraled out of control and I blamed you. Especially when Tracey is the best part of my life right now. I just felt like you were a threat to that happiness and that was wrong of me. You were only trying to help and keep my sister safe. I'm grateful for that." He frowned. "I'm sorry for the outburst. It was out of line. You didn't deserve that."

"Thank you." I said accepting his apology.

"Are we going to be okay?" he asked.

"We always were." I told him with a smile. "Now use those strong arms to carry all this food and help me feed the mob". He grinned and took the tray I handed him.

* * *

"Is it just me or is it weird being here?" I asked Hillary stepping out of the shower, Gail and Chris's shower. Hours later after the party had ended and the crowed had gone.

"It's not just you. It totally feels weird." Hillary agreed after she spat in the sink. "We are dating people that live in the same house who use to date each other. That's messed up!" she laughed before resuming brushing her teeth.

"One messed up sleepover party!" I laughed as I dried off with the towel Gail had left me.

"True, very true" she said between brushes. "But lets face it, you got the better deal." She spat in the sink and rinsed her mouth. "Bigger, room, bigger bed and Gail in it."

"Are you ogling my girlfriend Hilly?" I laughed wrapping the towel protectively around me.

"I totally Am." she laughed as I joined her at the tiny sink. "I may be heterosexual but I not blind. Are you blind?"

"No I'm not." I admitted with a cackle. "I know I hit the jackpot."

"Good. Don't mess it up." Hilly told me and it provided the perfect opening.

"I want to ask your opinion on something."

"Sure ..shoot." she encouraged as she applied her face cream.

"I asked Gail how she got away from the wigged lady …" I began; Hilly knew a few details so I didn't need to explain everything. " and she said, she got away because she didn't reject her. What do you think she meant by that?"

I saw my sister roll her eyes as she recapped her moisturizer. "You're thinking she cheated right?"

"Wouldn't you?"

"No I wouldn't Holly. Don't you understand the concept of trust?" she scolded and I immediately regretted doubting Gail and asking Hillary. "Look, Chris explained that undercover work is like going to Vegas. Whatever happens there stays there. Which is why they cut all ties and don't contact loved ones." She platted her hair in a ponytail and secured it with a band. "So don't dwell on what happened, just be thankful it's over and she made it back safely…to you." Hillary stressed.

"So you think I should just drop it?"

"I think you should trust Gail and her love for you." My sister sighed. "Besides don't you have enough problems? Why create imaginary ones?" she said before exiting the bathroom.

I could trust Gail. I could do that but could I just drop it? Could I live without knowing if she slept with the other woman? Maybe it wasn't as bad as I imagined, Gail certainly wasn't behaving like someone who had cheated. Would she even have mentioned it if she had? Deciding to put the matter to rest, at least for the night, I brushed my teeth and washed my face and that's when I noticed it. I hadn't had time to worry about it the past few days, but there it was.

It was still there, but faint, very faint. Like a distant memory. If you hadn't known what had happened, you couldn't now look at my face and know the terror that once laid there. I touched my face my eyes closing for a moment as I took a breath, trying to find peace with the memory of it. It was breath of sheer relief too that it was no longer showing. I no longer had to stomach the stares of strangers and answer the concerned questions of people I knew. My face was returning to normal... maybe now my life could.

I felt Gail move behind me and I watched her, watching me unblinking through the mirror. I hadn't noticed her enter the bathroom. I felt her hands touch my damp shoulders before she pressed a weighted kiss to the left one. Then her hands slid down my arms and she rested her forehead against my shoulder for a moment. I heard her breathe deeply, her grip on my arms tightening slightly before she gazed back at me.

"It's fading …." she commented and I nodded because I suspected it was because she didn't know how else to broach the subject. How did we talk about this? "Just because we both know it was an accident. Doesn't mean I shouldn't apologize for it." She told me and I nodded again as I looked at her through the mirror. "I'm sorry I hit you …"

"I know..." I knew she was sorry. In my heart and my mind I knew. I knew…

"I didn't mean to."

"I know..." I whispered

"I would never do that again."

"I know …" and I believed her. Gail would never hit me again.

"But I did hurt you." She sighed and I nodded my eyes closing for a moment. Why couldn't I just forget? Because forgiveness wasn't the problem here. I'd done that days ago but I had trouble forgetting.

"I forgive you …I know it was an accident and it wont happen again."

"Thank you .." her voice was low as she swept my hair from off my neck, swinging it on my right shoulder. I felt her press a kiss to the top of my spine and I just about crumbled. "But ?" she asked.

My throat constricted. "I haven't forgotten …"

"I know …I see it in your eyes… the fear. How do I remove it?" she tried to touch my face but I flinched. It was too soon, I couldn't have her touch me there. "How do I make up for it Holly?"

"I don't think you can Gail." I admitted and I saw the hurt in her eyes. "I don't think we can fix this with one night of conversation filled with I'm sorrys. " I told her. "I know you want to .. but maybe we just need to give it time… Give me time."

"Okay…" Gail conceded releasing me. "I'll give you …time…" She sighed, her hands finding her front pockets of her jeans nervously. "I actually came in to ask you for Mackenzie's number?"

"Sure. Check my phone; it's in my bag on your nightstand." I told her.

"Thanks." She mumbled before she left. I didn't need to ask why she wanted Mac's number. That was obvious. Left alone I finished my nightly routine and made my way back to her bedroom.

Gail was there, perched on the edge of the bed, deep in conversation, with Mackenzie I assumed. The conversation was mostly quiet from her end, which I expected but I did hear a few I'm sorrys and general agreements with whatever her phone companion was saying. Not wanting to eavesdrop further I reached for the t-shirt that had been laid out on the bed for me. Which read: I'm the Bad Cop in Good Cop Bad Cop. I smiled, it was so Gail. I dragged on the t-shirt and went to hang the towel in the bathroom; on my return Gail was ending her phone call.

"Mackenzie says hi…" Gail told me as she rested her phone on the nightstand. "She's doing better." Her head hung slightly. "I just wish it hadn't come to this …"

"I know you didn't mean any of this." I said moving to sit beside her. I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her as I kissed the top of her head. "I know you didn't mean any of this." I repeated when she looked up at me. I cupped her cheeks with both hands and kissed her lips "This will pass …" I promised and she nodded.

"I found this in your bag .." she held up her letter to me and I released her to take hold of it.

"Yeah I got it." I smiled. I'd read it every night since she'd been gone. I'd read it like a prayer to get me through the difficult days. There had been many.

"I wasn't sure Steve would give you."

"He wasn't sue he should give me either." I recalled. "But I'm glad he did. Its was beautiful Gail .." I watched her ears turn red before it creped to her cheeks, but I didn't laugh, I could only imagine how difficult it had been to write. "Thank you for writing it. It made me know how you feel. I needed to hear that. Thank you …" I pressed another kiss to her lips.

"I didn't know what else to do." She fumbled. "I felt like I was going to loose you and I'm not strong enough to get through that…." She admitted. "I'm trying Holly. I'm trying not to be …who I was before, because no one liked her. No one loved her..."

"I love her …"

"Maybe .." Gail accepted. "But you wouldn't have stayed with her. Chris … Nick hadn't." her voice trembled as she spoke. "I want to be the woman, who you want to stay for." She told me. "That's why I hated Mac so much. Through it all she got 7 years out of you. Will I get 7 years?" she asked softly.

"No …" I told her " You'll get more…"

* * *

AN: Thanks for all the lovely reviews; they were very fun and heartwarming even if most were a little bit panicked. Lol Please no one loose their sanity just yet, we still have a few chapters to go. Lol I feel like I need to put some kind of warning in the description of this story. Along the lines of - will cause mild heartache and panic attacks. Crew, any ideas?


	32. Don't say it 1

"Gail?" I shook her lightly.

"Yes?" her voice sounded rough.

"Are you awake?"

"No. I always talk in my sleep." She mocked

"We need to get up now." I said anxiously shaking her again.

"Why?" she asked squinting her eyes open. "Another midnight confession?" she joked.

"No!" I laughed because looking back that had been funny. It was good we could make fun of it now.

"It's like the dead of night Holly." She groaned. "Go back to sleep." I watched her pull my pillow over her head but she wasn't going to get rid of me that easy. I moved above her, straddling her back before I pulled off the pillow and leaned in close. My breasts pressed against her back, my lips a breath from her ear. She groaned at the contact.

"It's almost 5 am." I corrected tickling her ribs and she broke out laughing wriggling uncontrollably.

"No stop, stop!" she laughed swatting at my hands. "Holly! Stop!"

"Then get out of bed."

"No! Ok! Okay!" Gail giggled. "I surrender! I'll get up! I'll get up!" she said between fits of laugher.

Feeling victorious I stopped tickling her. "I have a surprise for you." I whispered.

"Really?" she turned her head to try and look at me.

"Hmmhmm…"

"What kind of surprise?" Gail turned quickly flipping me on my back in a fumble of pillows and sheets. God she was strong. "Am I going to like this surprise?" her eyes seem to sparkle in the moonlight.

"You are." I promised brushing a strand from her face. "But you have to get dressed, it involves an early morning jog." I told her and she raised a curious brow before easing off me.

"Is this the same surprise from before that I never got?" she wondered out loud.

"It is." I admitted getting off the bed.

"It must be really good, if you're willing to take a jog to show me." she mused flipping on the overhead light.

"It is." I sounded smug but I couldn't help it. I just knew Gail would love it.

"Don't sound so sure of yourself. I'm veeerrrrry hard to please." She said digging through her draw of clothes.

"Ooh but I have evidence to the contrary." I said knowingly as I passed by her and squeezed her bum.

She jumped "No fair! Sex does not count!" Gail laughed.

"It does, if I make it." I smirked and she threw clothing at me in playful annoyance.

"Crap…" I frowned looking at the clothing. "I don't have any underwear…"

Gail gave an amused chuckle. "I don't mind. The damn thing prevents me from getting to the good stuff anyway.."

"I mind!" I shrieked. "I'm not jogging around in spandex without underwear."

"Lyrca ..

"What?" I was confused.

"The jogging clothes are made of lyrca."

"Oh …"

"Don't panic just yet …" she dug through her clothes again and produced a three pack of Fruit of the Loom underwear. "Take your pick …" she said handing it to me.

"You own underwear that comes in a pack of three?" I was in disbelief.

"We all can't walk around in Victoria's Secret all day Holly." Gail said glaring at me while mocking my vast collection of undergarments from the company. "I'm a police officer. I do own a few sensible, comfortable, reliable underwear." she tried to keep a straight face but eventually we broke out laughing.

"Make fun all you want." I said once we'd calmed down. "I know you love my panties."

"Ugh..." it was a sexually frustrated groan. "Only when I can take you out of them." Gail reached for me and pulled me into her arms before capturing my lips in a kiss that made me forget all about jogging. "Lets go for that jog…" she groaned tearing her lips from mine. "Cause I'm starting to think of other activities I'd rather do with you …."

* * *

"You remembered …" Gail said suprised as we jogged her favorite trail through the city that early morning. I was keeping good pace too and hadn't complained once. Not once. I was motivated and had purpose this morning.

"I did." I smiled over at her and she grinned widely. God I loved_ that _smile. "I remembered your favorite place on the trail too…" I told her as we jogged a few more minutes over to the pier.

"You remembered .." she repeated still surprised. "A drunken tale in the wee hours of the morning." Gail recalled. "I barely remember telling you." She admitted.

"How could I forget Roy?" I said moving towards her. "His second wife and their ashes blended together in undistinguishable ashes?"

"Oh God you remembered!" she laughed her head bouncing back slightly. "I shouldn't tell you things .. Your mind holds everything and forgets nothing."

"Hey! That's not always a bad thing." I reasoned getting down on a single bended knee. "It means I'll always remember that I love you and it will hold every precious memory we make…"

"Wait …Are you proposing Holly?" she suddenly asked shocked.

"Would it be so bad if I was?" I asked and that stunned her into silence. The good kind, the kind that left her looking wide eyed, wide mouth and very cute. "But relax …I'm not proposing today." I assured, pulling the small jewelry from beneath my sock and unlocked it from my ankle.

"Oh.."

I rose to me feet, and squeezed the small gold object in my hand and took a deep breath before I reached for her hand and gently placed it in her palm. "I thought of about a thousand ways to say this and how to present this .. but most of all I regret not giving it to you before… before you left." I told her. "I've brought you here to your favorite place to give you my favorite thing ….It's a Saint Michaels Medallion… It was my grandfather's, then my dad's … then he gave it to me when I came out … he thought it would help me be strong, brave and victorious in my battle against people who wanted to injure me because I was different." I took another breath. "Now I'm passing it on to you. I want it to make you brave and strong and help you with your victories. Those on the job and those in your personal life. I want it to be there for you… for every moment you're away from my arms, for every struggle and fight you have to face on your own…"

"Holly …" she gasped finally opening her palm to look at it. "Its beautiful…" she said studying it while she ran her finger over it. "Buts its too much …this is from your family."

"You're my family too." I told her. "Just say thank you cause I'm not taking it back."

"Thank you." Gail whispered her voice shaky. "Will you ?"

"Of course." I took the chain and she turned around. The medallion lovingly touched the base of her throat, cooling her skin and with butter fingers I fumbled to latch it. She laughed lightly at my struggle but she didn't try to rush me. I placed my hands on her shoulders and slowly turned her around to face me. "Its beautiful on you .." I said hoarsely moving in to kiss her.

We stayed and watched the sunrise that morning over the bay and I held her in my arms as the city woke around us. I wasn't even slightly chilled by the morning air or bothered by the noise that disturbed the peace that had laid before it. In fact I felt warm and fuzzy inside. I was in love and I was happy and I was free from a past that often threatened to hold me captive. I had Gail and she had me.

"Good morning …" she whispered.

"Good morning …" I agreed because I now knew what Good Mornings truly meant.

* * *

"Good morning." I greeted happily entering the small kitchen after our jog that morning.

"Good morning …" he smiled. "I'm Dov. I don't think we were formally introduced last night …" he reached to shake my hand as he flipped pancakes in the other.

"Holly .." I smiled returning the handshake. It was weird; I had been to his girlfriend's funeral but hadn't spoken to him before now. "It's nice to finally meet you."

"Mmmm I smell pancakes!" Gail said helping herself to the pancakes Dov had placed on his plate. He frowned playfully at her then handed her the maple syrup, which she used to drown the pancakes. "Hol, you want some?" it was a last minute effort to share.

"No babe. I'm fine …" I shook my head. "I'm just going to have coffee."

"O … k" she placed a sticky maple kiss on my cheek before she left.

"She doesn't share well, so you should take full advantage when she does" Dov advised.

"I know!" I grinned. "but I'm not really hungry. Still full from the party." I moved to the coffee maker and poured myself a cup. "I think that's why we didn't meet before … she doesn't share well."

"Maybe … but I'd like to think it was less selfishness and more of her being selfless…" he told me flipping another pancake. "I recently lost someone I cared about … and she'd found someone…you." He explained. " So maybe in her own way Gail was trying to spare my feelings by not rubbing the fact that she was happy with you in my face."

"I am sorry for your loss…" I said softly.

"Thank you .." he smiled.

"… And maybe you're right about her being selfless… I'd like to think that she is…" I told him before leaving the kitchen.

"Hey lovebirds! Get a room! Our couch is not makeout central!" I heard Gail say. Her snarl was directed at Hilly and Chris who were tongue deep in each other as she pushed them over to make herself room on the couch.

They laughed, and scooted over as I took a seat in the armchair. "So what's the plan for the day?" I asked finally taking a sip of my coffee.

"Work .." Chris replied.

"Shopping with mom." Hilary replied. "You want to join us?"

I looked to Gail, because clearly my plans depended on hers. Her only reply was a shrug with a mouth full of pancakes. "Sure, Gail and I will join you and mom." I decided and that earned me a _What the Fuck _face from her. If she wanted to do something else, she should have said so.

"Great! What about a double date later? Dinner? Movie? We never got a chance to the last time." Hilly whined and both Chris and Gail rolled their eyes. Chris even went as far as shaking his head violently begging me to say no from behind her.

"Maybe another time Hill …it's going to be a long day. Chris might be tired after work." I said trying to get out of it for Chris and Gail's sake.

"But …please …" she turned and gave Chris puppy eyes. Those puppy eyes had been working on dad since we were two, I doubt Chris was any match for them.

"Sure why not." He relented easily and I tried not to laugh at the petrified look Gail gave me.

"We should go …" Chris said rising just as Dov entered the living room. "I have to take you home before my shift." He reminded.

"Oh yeah…." Hillary groaned getting to her feet. "I don't have my car…Gail, Holly see you later." She said "Dov…" she leaned in and gave him a hug. "It was nice meeting you."

"You too." he said returning her hug before he went to sit beside Gail and the two booted up the game console, while I went to walk Chris and Hillary out.

It was now two hours later when Gail appeared in the bedroom. Having left her and Dov to their game, I had gone to her room to read a few case files on my tablet. My cases had been piling up and though it was a Saturday, I felt obligated to do a bit of work.

"Hey." I smiled when she entered.

"Hey … did you feel neglected? Is that why you came in here?" she asked joining me on the bed, sharing the king sized pillow behind me. "When I play video games, I get a bit intense and involved ..."

"No … not at all." I assured. "You were having fun with your game and your friend who you haven't seen in a while and I needed to do some work. So it all worked out."

"I haven't seen you in a while too..."

"True .. but I can share you." I closed the flap on my tablet and placed it on the nightstand. "I love you; I'll even take HALF of you." I grinned kissing her. When we parted her expression had flat lined. "Hey .. What's wrong?"

"I need to tell you something. Maybe its this .." she touched the medallion around her neck. "Maybe this is making me suddenly feel brave, but I need to tell you something important." She repeated.

"Sure okay. You can tell me anything." I tried not to look overly concerned but my stomach was in knots. What did she want to tell me?

"I just feel like we can't really go forward until I tell you."

"Gail, what's this about?" I watched her eyes watered before she looked away. "Did something happen when you were away?"

"Yes .." her response sounded pained.

"Does it have to do with the red haired lady?"

"Yes …"

"Does it have to do with what I asked on Friday?"

"Yes…"

My throat threatened to hang me. "What happened?"

"It doesn't mean that I love you less." She began. "It doesn't .. I just … Just know that I love you. Only you."

"Baby its okay …" I said soothing her as I caressed her cheek, but my heart was sinking and I feared the worst. "Just tell me what happened …


	33. Don't say it 2

AN: Changed tense, to write the first scene. I apologize in advance. Also I'm not from Canada, so geography wise I'm out of my depth, so use your imagination broadly when you think about where Gail is. Lol.

* * *

It was dark, late and they were miles from the city. Gail couldn't even see the city lights anymore and the stars were hiding tonight. She couldn't see the star that reminded her of Holly, the star that would lead her home. She was also out of contact with her police unit and miles away from the life she wanted to get back to. The woman she longed to be home with.

"Keep walking!" the red wigged woman barked hitting Gail with the gun in her back, when she stopped to take a breath. She was tired both emotionally and bodily, they had been walking for what felt like hours through the woods having ditched the car. To make her journey to death more challenging she was chained at the hands and feet. Her captor's dominatrix accessories now had dual purpose.

"You don't want to do this… You don't want to kill me..." Gail pleaded as she drudged through the woods, her legs felt heavy and weak and she was muddy having fallen a few times. Was this what her end looked like? Would she die in the cold dead of night facing the barrel of a gun held by her killer instead of being surrounded by loved ones and friends? Would she die tonight without ever hearing Holly's voice again? Without knowing if Holly still cared? Would she die not having lived the life she often dreamed about when she gazed upon the sleeping face of the brunette with the heart stopping crooked smile? Had this end been chosen for her, because she'd lived such a selfish venomous existence?

"I want to kill all men like you!" the woman screamed waving the gun around wildly. "All men because you're all selfish uncaring bastards! Who use women then toss them out like yesterdays garbage!"

"Claire …"

"Don't call my name like that!" she cried and kicked at Gail's feet causing her to stumble to the ground. "Don't call my name like it means something to you!" Claire was over Gail in an instant holding her by the nape of the neck and shoving the gun in her mouth. "Not after the way you treated me!" she cried. "This is what you all want! To stuff a cock in my mouth and have your way with me until you think I'm diseased! How does it feel!?" she barked at Gail before she withdrew the gun and pushed Gail over as she coughed from the gun having been wedged too far down her throat.

"I'm sorry." Gail coughed, trying to clear her throat. "I didn't mean …" Gail hadn't meant to reject Claire like that, but with Holly's fears on her mind and her mission at hand. How could she kiss this woman, touch her with the same caresses and make promises with words that were only meant for Holly? So in the moment she'd panicked and rejected Claire more forcibly than she'd wanted to and that ill thought act had led her here…. Minutes from her death.

"I thought you were different Hale!" she pointed the gun directly at Gail, which caused her to recoil slightly, Gail's heart thumped wildly in her chest as she weakly tried to pull herself off the ground. Gail needed to the gun from Claire but not by force. The woman was too hysterical and too strong for that and too much could go wrong and Gail needed to come out of this alive and preferably not wounded. "But you're like the rest of them, they like me and love me and want to buy me drinks and promise me to moon until they figure out I'm different…" she sobbed.

"I'm different too …" Gail said finally on her feet.

"Shut up and dig!" Claire tossed the shovel she had been carrying on the ground at Gail's feet and took a step back. "Now dig!" she cried. "You'll fucking die tonight so that no other woman can feel the hurt and shame you men make me feel!"

Gail drove the shovel in the ground, using her booted feet to apply pressure as she removed dirt and she did that a few more times before she stopped and took a deep breath. "Let me show you that I'm different .." she said turning to face Claire.

"What?" Claire said surprised.

"Let me show you that I'm different …"

"How?" she sounded curious.

"Remove the chains."

"Really? You think I'm that foolish?! Men!" she cursed. "Keep digging!" she fired a shot at Gail's feet which caused the blonde to jump startled.

"I won't try to escape. I just want to show you something." Gail said trying to steady her nerves. "I won't try to escape." She repeated.

Clare watched Gail for a long while before she tossed the keys to her. "Don't try anything funny or I will kill you."

"I wont." Gail promised as she slowly removed the chains that bounded her so as not to startle the other woman. "First …. My name birth name is Gail ….Not Hale." She explained as she removed the plaid shirt she was wearing and tossed it to the ground. Then Gail pulled off the dark blue crew neck t-shirt. That action caused the side burns and beard to peel and she removed them completely. Claire mouth fell open as Gail disrobed. Next Gail unhooked the wrap that bounded her breasts and then dropped her pants; boxers and unhooked the strap on before throwing in on the ground.

"You're a woman …" Claire gasped. "All this time you were a woman…"

"I am …" Gail confirmed as she stood naked before the Claire. She was cold but the fear of death warmed even corpses.

"But you want to be accepted as a man." Claire reasoned and Gail didn't correct her. "As I want to be seen as a woman."

"I never meant to hurt you Claire... I just didn't want you knowing." Gail sighed. "I know what it feels like to be rejected." It was only half a lie; Gail did know the feeling of rejection. She was currently feeling it from her mom.

"I'm sorry …Gail." Claire sighed stepping closer. "I mean Hale …you probably prefer that."

Gail nodded her jaw rigid.

"We both just want to be accepted…." Claire touched Gail's face, before she stuck a strand behind her ear and Gail did everything in her will power not to move away, not to show this woman any further signs of rejection. She'd calmed down but what word or act from Gail would make her unhinged again? "To be loved by someone …" Claire reasoned out loud.

"Yes. I just want to be loved as well." Gail admitted and that was the truth. She just wanted Holly to love her as much as she did her and she wanted her mom to love her for who she was.

"As the man you want to be, could you love me?" Claire asked and for a moment Gail lost her voice. How did she respond to that? As Gail she couldn't love Claire. That love was reserved for Holly, but could she as Hale? And what about Claire could Hale love? So carefully Gail moved Claire's wig to reveal her long blonde hair that framed olive skin with almond eyes and Gail closed her eyes for a moment and imagined she was Holly.

"I could …" Gail finally whispered looking at Claire. "I could love you because you are beautiful… funny…ambitious. I love the way you laugh." She smiled. "I could love all the things about you that you think are imperfections because they are part of you …what you think are imperfections makes you beautiful ..very beautiful." Gail said finding the words.

The next thing she knew Claire was kissing her, and wrapping her arms around her neck, the gun still firmly in her grip as it pressed against Gail's bare skin. Gail cautiously returned the kiss as Claire pulled her deeper and closer into her. "I knew in my heart you were different Hale …" Claire whispered against her lips. "I just knew it …"

Gail nodded stiffly stepping back slightly.

"Hale….I want you to make love to me."

"Um …" Gail felt uneasy as her eyes scanned the woods.

"Don't be shy …I paid to get the good stuff done…" Claire encouraged.

Gail hesitated and Claire picked up on that.

"Or we could go back to digging the hole." Claire's eyes narrowed and Gail's heart sunk. The remark had not been said in jest but something else entirely.

That night every touch and stroke of Claire, felt like a betrayal to Holly and it was, because if it wasn't Gail's heart wouldn't be hurting this much. In the aftermath Claire had told Gail about the murders as she held her under the starless night. She had admitted to finally finding some measure of peace in Gail's arms and that now she was ready to pay for her crimes and wanted Gail to follow her to the station, because Gail had shown and proved that people could be different.

Gail had wanted nothing more than to be out of this nightmare and back to the people she cared for. Back to Holly. She wanted to wipe the whole thing from her memory and scrub her skin free of the sticky unclean feeling that seem to encase her.

* * *

"You had sex with her!" I gasped. "Gail you slept with her?" I asked.

I watched her sigh and run a hand through her hair as she leaned against the headboard. "I brought her to an orgasm with my fingers …that's all." She said trying to simply her actins while she reach for me.

"So you _had _sex with her!" I shouted. "Don't touch me … not after .." I said withdrawing my hand.

"I wouldn't exactly call .." I eyed her icily. "…it sex Holly. She didn't touch me once."

"You mean apart from the kiss, when told her how beautiful she was!? And how perfect she was?!"

"ARRGHH!" Gail groaned in frustration. "What was I suppose to do Holly? Say no?"

"Yes! How can you sleep with another woman?! After every thing?!" I cried flying off the bed.

"I thought she was going to kill me! What the hell did you want me to do?"

"Now I get a choice?! After you fuck another woman? Fuck you Gail!" "I screamed at her and grabbed my things.

"Holly ... calm down. You are overreacting …" Gail sighed and eased to the edge of the bed. "and getting carried away…we can fix this."

"I'm getting carried away?" I spat. "The time to think about getting carried away was when you decided to stick your fingers in another woman's pussy!" I was so mad at her. No I so hurt by her. How could she, did she think about us at all? " How many orgasms did she have? 1? 2? 10 or more times?!" I spat in disgust. "And to think you wanted to have sex with me yesterday! After touching her!" I headed for the bedroom door. I needed to get out of here.

"Holly don't go …talk to me …we need to talk about this" she pleaded and I almost stayed because Gail …wanted to talk or maybe her little tryst gave her loose lips and a pliable tongue!

"I can't I …" my chest burned and it felt like I was loosing air. Gail's confession was suffocating me. "I have to go." I said escaping. I had to go it had all just been too much. I made haste through the apartment, bumping into Dov on my way out but I didn't stop once. Not once, even when she called out my name and chased me down the steps. I left her standing on the curb her expression wounded as I sped away in my car.

* * *

"Bug ..?" my mom said calling me by my pet name as we walked through the mall that afternoon. Hillary was a few feet ahead of us and we watched her turn into a store. "Tell mommy what's wrong, you've been quiet all afternoon" she encouraged just like she did when I was seven years old and had a bad day at school. We went to sit on a bench in front of the store Hillary had entered and my mom leaned in to kiss my forehead. "What's wrong?"

"I think Gail and I are going to break up." I admitted sadly.

"Why?" there was nothing but concern in her brown eyes.

"I think we've just had one too many obstacles and this latest incident was too much." I told her.

"What's the latest thing that happened? My mom asked so I told her everything. The woods, the gun and the sex. By the end of it she looked relieved and I couldn't understand why. Shouldn't she be as mad as I was?

"I can't believe she did that mom."

"Did what?" My mom looked confused. "I think Gail made a very difficult choice in self preservation. I actually admire her for being able to do it."

"She cheated mom!" I cried. "You're supposed to be on my side!"

"I am on your side Holly. I'm your mom. I'll always be on your side." she told me squeezing my hand. "But sometimes when we are hurt, we loose sight of reason and we believe forgiveness is not possible. It hurts now … I know it does but it will get better." she sighed. "When your dad got deployed and came back one year later with two month old twins for me to raise. I was hurt and angry for weeks." she confessed. "But now I couldn't imagine my life without you girls and your father in it. So what if I'd let his mistake be the thing that made our relationship irreparable?" she asked me but it was rhetorical. "I don't think Gail did what she did without a lot of thought and consideration. I think she thought a lot about you when she made that choice …Sweetheart I don't think what she did was irreparable."

"Maybe…" I shrugged.

"Think of it this way, would you prefer to have her sleep with this woman, so that you can be mad at her today or that she hadn't slept with this woman and we attend her funeral next week?" my mom said and I felt small. In my hurt and confusion I had not seen reason. The true and only reason for Gail's action.

"Mom I have to go …"

"I thought so .." she pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek before I left. I needed to find Gail before it was too late. Before what I had done had made our relationship irreparable.

It took me fifteen minutes from the mall to reach Gail's apartment. Fifteen frantic nerve racking minutes. I'd been such an asshole to Gail earlier. I didn't even know how I was going to make it up to her but knew I had to try. I just had to try.

"Gail! Gail!" I said pounding on her apartment door having raced up two flight of stairs. I was out of breath and felt oddly out of time. "Gail!" It wasn't until my third knock that she opened the door.

"Are you trying to break it down!" she rasped.

"No .. Sorry! I did mean to knock so hard…." I said. I touched her sweater top and fisted in both my palms before I pulled her in a heated kiss. "I want to say I'm sorry, for the way I acted earlier…" I breathed releasing her.

"Ok …" she gulped and stepped away from the door to allow me in and that when I came face to face with Superintended Peck … sitting on the couch… sipping tea.

"Holly …" she greeted and something inside of me died.


	34. Our Hearts 1

AN: I have to say, I have the best readers on FanFiction, because you guys have such colorful ways of expressing your joy, happiness, appreciation, pain, torture …death bed confessions of this story. Your reviews are always wonderful, but its your PMs that really takes the cake. From the….

"This story has turned me into an addict ..drug me please."

"I cant take it anymore! You are torture! No I can take it! Keep torturing!"

"When are you going to post is been 24 hours already!"

"I think I'm going to hang myself with the next cliffhanger, it's just too much…"

You guys are very entertaining and your reviews and PM are greatly appreciated and it's because of your support why this story has survived so long. So although I haven't had time since last week to respond to all the personal reviews and PMs. I want you to know I read them, loved them, thank you for taking the time to write them. They are the best part of my day.

Also contrary to popular belief. I don't enjoy torturing you guys. I really don't crew, it just happens that my brand of writing inflicts torture … it's a curse lol. It's not deliberate, I promise :) I got a PM from reader saying that they are so scared to read my chapters when they are posted that they I have read another Gail/Holly fic to calm themselves before reading my chapter. Lol I take that as a huge compliment. So without further delay. Enjoy the chapter. Nothing scary here.

-Captain

* * *

Flight or fight Holly? The prickly hairs on the back of my neck demanded and if it had been possible to walk back through the door and not have to deal with this, I would have done just that. I did _not_ want to be here with Gail's mother. She made me uncomfortable and she seemed to suck the life from the room. For me, this was like a horrible dream coming to pass. Here I was standing face to face with the mother of the woman I loved but who I was currently at odds with and who wanted nothing more than her daughter to dump me. I was scared; Elaine Peck's presence had sent my body into shock and my mind on a journey of crazy and senseless thoughts.

"Holly this is my mom. She was just telling me all the beneficial reasons that can be had by dumping you." Gail said her tone dry. "Cause apparently the last lecture and slap she gave me hadn't been effective."

"Gail!" her mom spoke through clenched teeth.

"Are you going to deny it?" Gail challenged and when her mom said nothing Gail made a gravel sound of pure abhorrence. "I thought so."

I took a step back, my flight mode activated when I felt Gail's hand on the small of my back and I felt her lean in close. "I got your back." she whispered before she nudged me forward.

"Superintendent Peck." I replied mustering up some courage and a plastic smile after I had taken a deep breath. I heard the door close behind me and moments later I was being ushered by Gail over to the couch. "How nice of you to visit."

"Don't bother faking pleasantries Hol. I didn't invite her over." Gail's eyes narrowed at her mom. "And she should be leaving now anyway. We have things to discuss."

"Do I detect trouble in paradise?" Elaine Peck asked raising a perfectly manicured brow at me. "What are you _sorry _for Holly?" she asked before taking another sip of her tea.

She was toying with me; I just knew it and I bristled unintentionally. My lips thinned but I held my tongue. Did she actually expect me to answer that?

"That is not your concern mom." Gail told her as we sat on the couch. "Now… How do you two know each other? Cause I certainly didn't introduce you." Gail asked. I had wondered if she's picked up on the familiarity of her mother's greeting. Apparently she had.

"She came by my office once." I answered.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gail's question was directed at me.

"Baby I was going to …" I sulked and I was, but we had an avalanche of other issues to discuss, her mother visiting me seemed like something to be tabled for another day. It seems that day was today. I watched Gail shake her head of me, in a measure of disappointment but she also reached over and rested a hand on my knee, squeezing it lightly and I brought my hand above hers, squeezing it as well. The act earned me a fierce look from Elaine.

"Why did you visit Holly?" Gail demanded looking at her mother. She reached for her beer that was on the center table and took a drink, but her mother didn't answer. Elaine was still busy glaring at me. "Well?"

"Does it matter?" Elaine said side stepping. "I also came today to see how you were doing, now that the job is over. It was exiting huh? Your first undercover mission behind you?!"

"Exciting…" Gail said the word with contempt as her fingers bore painfully into my thigh. "Yeah I found almost dying exciting! It was absolutely riveting mother! It was the fucking best experience of my life! Being locked in the trunk of a taxi hadn't been as exciting!" Elaine had successfully sidestepped the question straight from the frying pan and right into the fire.

"Gail!" her mother recoiled "Don't be boorish!"

"I know you read the report!" Gail accused. "So how can you ask me such a banned question? You know what I've been through…"

"I figured you'd be past that by now. Every job has it challenges and you have risen above it." Elaine reasoned. I almost envied how lightly Elaine was taking this. I had done the complete opposite and I couldn't tell which reaction had been worst. "Now you must think of the important things like how this conviction could be good for your career that currently needs saving because of her. Think of the Peck name."

"Past it?" Gail snapped. "It happened yesterday! I'm going to need therapy to get pass it!" she shouted at her mom. "Not to mention all the hurt it's causing the woman I love." She looked to me and her expression changed from anger to regret, she seemed sorry for something I shouldn't have blamed her for in the first place. "So don't tell me I should be past it mom. I'm still living it and I'm no longer a Peck. Those were your words."

"Gail you aren't thinking …"

"No I'm not thinking. I'm feeling! Something you seem incapable of doing." Gail retort was sharp. "All I want you to do is tell me what made you think it was okay to go and see Holly in my absence. What were you trying to gain by doing that?"

Elaine rose to her feet and gathered her purse. "I'm leaving." She said. "I will not be bereted by you, especially in front of her."

"You need to answer the question." Gail shot to her feet and squared off with her mom. I took a more leisurely …timid approach getting on my feet.

"Hmph!" Elaine exhaled. "I went to her to let her see reason and make her better understand your circumstance." Elaine told Gail and it was my turn to look at her in shocked disbelief.

"Reason?!" I gasped my voice finding its conviction. That word was taunting me today. "Make me see reason? That is a mockery of what you came to do!" I cursed. "You tried to pay me to leave Gail. It was bribery! Plain and simple!"

"What?" Gail demand as horror splashed across her pale features. "She tried to give you money to leave me?" she asked me. I nodded "You tried to pay Holly off?" Gail asked her mom. "Of all the horrid things you've done, this is the absolute worst mom!"

"I did nothing of the-!" Elaine tried to lie.

"Don't you dare lie!" I shouted rushing forward my self control failing me. I watched Elaine recoiled. I did not care. "You did try to bribe me! Admit it!" I demanded. "You thought you could easily dismiss my love for Gail by signing your cheque book, but I got news for you lady. I actually love your daughter." I said moving forward. " I love Gail and I'm going to be here for as long as she'll have me and we've had a very rough go of it so far, but for some reason we are still here. So that tells me we are going to make it no matter what you or anyone else throws at us."

"Okay hold on crouching tiger." Gail said holding me back from her mom in a grip so tight that it must have been a trained police technique.

"Now you need to leave." Gail told her mom. "I can't have you thinking its okay to disrespect Holly like that. It's not okay to trying and bribe the woman I love to leave me." Gail told her and without a further word Elaine made the small distance to the door. Gail released me and followed her. "You are no longer welcomed in my home" Gail told her mom before she closed the door.

"I'm sorry ..." I admitted once Gail latched the door and leaned against it to face me.

"It's ok. It was kind of cute." She smiled softly. "It's nice when your anger isn't directed at me."

"I'm sorry about that too." I sighed walking towards her and took her hands into mine. "I'm sorry I got mad. That I didn't think, didn't understand. I'm sorry I ran away from you ..." I laced her fingers in mine and squeezed our palms together. "I just felt hurt and panicked… but I shouldn't have. You weren't trying to hurt me." I sighed as I watched her eyes filled with tears "You did what you did to survive. You are a survivor." I took a deep breath. "You were trying to survive …survive for the sake of getting back to the people you love …getting back to me …" I admitted. "What kind of person would I be if I faulted you for that?"

"Human ..you would be human Holly." Gail supplied.

"I don't want to be that .." I shook my head. "I want to be more than that for you. I want to be the woman who doesn't doubt your commitment. I want to have your back when the world is against you and stand beside you through your darkest hours. I want to love you Gail."

"I know you do .."

"Yes .." I said releasing her hands to slide my hand under her hair at the nape of her neck "… but I haven't done a very good job of showing you. So from now on I'm going to show you Gail Peck just how much I love you." I pulled her closer then and angled her head so that I could kiss her long and hard. "So anything you want to ask me about my talk with your mom?" I asked once we parted.

"Yeah actually." I watched Gail's mouth twist into a playful smile. "How much did my mom try to pay you?"

I laughed in spite of myself. "She asked me to name my price." I said kissing her once more. "And I did… you are priceless…"

* * *

Four nights later …

"I cant believe we finally get to go on this double date only to see the worst movie ever!" Hilly complained as we made our way back to our vehicles in the theater parking lot. "Like what was that?"

I agreed the movie had been terrible; all Gail and I had done was make out like horny teenagers in the back of the mostly empty theater, but it had been nice to just do something normal and couple like for a change. We still had many things to work through though. We had talked some more about what had happened in the woods, which gave me a better understanding of her struggles but after her first nightmare, which left me holding her while she shook and cried in the middle of the night. Gail had finally decided to attend her first mandatory therapy session which so far proved useful but we still had a long way to go. I was okay with that though, we were doing it together and we weren't at odds with each other. The only thing that loomed over us was her pending disciplinary hearing which was in the next three days.

Chris laughed. "It wasn't Oscar worthy, but it wasn't totally horrible." Chris said slightly disagreeing with her.

"You slept through 60% of it." Hillary said eyeing him "So you don't get to have an opinion on this." she frowned and to further prove her point, Chris yawned nosily as he pulled her under his arm.

"We'll make our own movie." He promised suggestively and she seemed to like that idea as Hillary leaned in to kiss him as they walked in front of us.

"Get a room!" Gail shouted playfully throwing the last of her popcorn at them. I pulled her in my own arms, draping a hand across her shoulder as Chris showed her his middle finger, which made her laugh.

"Why don't we check out that store …" I said pointing. Gail's eyes followed my finger to where I pointed then she gave me a surprised look.

"You sure? No pressure remember…"

"Yeah" I nodded. "I want to check it out. We could look for a suitable strap on." I suggested. I had been re thinking the idea for days now and had gotten more and more comfortable with the thought of sharing the experience with Gail.

"Ok." she smiled. "I'd like that."

"Hey guys, we are going to stay out a bit." I told my sister and Chris.

"All right" Chris nodded. "You ladies keep safe." He said concerned.

"We will." Gail promised and we watched them depart before we made our way over to the store.

The adult novelty store was small and void of customers. We were thankful to be the only ones there. It had a wide variety of dildos, clit teasers, nipple clamps, bullets, vibrators and of course strap ons. Gail and I spent the next hour in the store deciding between size, colour and functionality.

"What about this one?" Gail asked dangling the toy in front of me. "I think this could work."

I cocked my head to one side and inspected the 'equipment' for a long time. "I think this is it." I finally said with a smile. "I like it; it's not too big…"

"Only 6 inches."

"Non vibrating…"

"So I'm going to provide all the action you need to get off on." she winked at me and I grinned, cause it was great she was being so, ok with all this. Especially it being her first time .. our first time.

That was one thing I really admired about Gail. Her conviction, she didn't wavier; once she made a decision she saw it through. Even before, when she made somewhat mean hurtful remarks to people. She never took it back or looked like she regretted saying it. She owned it and the consequences afterwards. It took a certain inner strength to be able to do that and she still had that, but it was used in a more positive way now.

"Good colour…" I continued.

"It's the exact colour of my skin, and the silicone makes it feel almost life like."

"Right because you're the expert on what a penis feels like." I chided.

"Ouch!" Gail touched her heart like she'd been wounded. "Don't worry I prefer vaginas now." She grinned.

"_Vaginas?" _I queried playfully.

"Vagina .. Just one. Just yours. Only yours." she corrected.

"Oh, that's what I thought." I laughed.

I watched Gail hold the strap on in front of her pelvis and made thrusting movements with her hips. "I like it too. Now lie on your back so I can really test it out." She teased.

"Haha very funny, but do you think we should get a bullet as well?" I wondered out loud.

"Sure, let's go to town!" she agreed grabbing one off the shelf as we headed to the cashier. It cost more than I'd expected to spend on our first strap on, but who was I to deny Gail when she seemed so genuinely excited about the toy.

"So do you want to maybe use this tonight?" Gail asked as we headed back to the car.

"Is this your attempt at foreplay?" I asked disarming the car.

"Is it working?" she enquired with the lift of her brow.

"Yes…" I admitted.

"Then it is" she grinned getting into the passenger seat. "So are we?" she was right back to the business at hand.

"Yes, we are definitely going to use it tonight …"


	35. Our Hearts 2

"Grr! Arghh! Ughh!" came the disgruntled cries from Gail just beyond the bedroom door. She'd left the bedroom to find something suitable to open the package, which enclosed the strap on, after discovering her hands wouldn't have been up to the task. But it was now twenty minutes later and her cries of anguish had only gotten worst. I'd already shed my clothes, plucked, prodded and was curled in bed awaiting her return but as curse words joined the chorus of discontented grunts, I knew something was wrong. Somewhat reluctant I got out of bed and pulled on a plaid shirt only fastening one button as I went to see what was causing her delayed return.

"Hey .. you okay?" I asked entering the living room. Gail was on the couch with the package and she looked up at me as I moved closer.

"No. everything is not fine Holly." She sounded perturbed.

"What's wrong?" I asked and joined her on the couch.

"Don't laugh, but I still can't open the it." she said holding up the package.

"I see." I said softly trying not to laugh at her frustration. I noticed she had an assortment of tools on the center table as well. A knife, pliers, pen, a small ax saw blade, even a screwdriver, but oddly no scissors. Surely we must have one of those in the apartment? "How about I give it a try?" I suggested.

"I just want to have sex Holly." she groaned handing me the package.

"I know you do and we will." I promised. I understood her frustration we hadn't made love in eighteen days. I'd counted and marked off the days on my mental calendar but we'd had other things to work through and this was the first night since her return that we were both mentally and physically in the mood for sex.

"Why would…" Gail said checking the label. "Doc Johnson, make it so hard to open their products? Don't they want their customers to have sex?"

I laughed, despite how serious Gail had asked the question. "I think they are trying to conform to government packaging regulations babe. Not necessarily trying to make it harder for us to get our freak on." I winked at her, but she was too frustrated and only sulked further." I'll be right back." I told her and headed to the kitchen in search of a scissors.

I must have been gone awhile because upon my return she was stretched out on the couch flipping through the channels. "Were you able to open it?" Gail asked glancing at me.

"What do you think?"

Gail's eyes lit up and she bounced off the couch with one fluid movement. "Finally!" she said taking the package from me and like a child on Christmas morning she ripped through the rest of the package and inspected the strap on with such awe and admiration. She looked at it this way and that, twirled it on her finger and even pretended it was a gun…a penis gun. I couldn't decide if I should be weirded out or find the amusement in the act. "So how about it? Lets take this for a spin." she said remembering I was in the room. We really needed to work on her foreplay talk.

"Sure…" I breathed suddenly feeling nervous as I moved towards her until I was in her arms and she kissed me. Her kiss was teasing, yet gentle and provocative. She felt so good, tasted so good, I thought as my face was moved and pressed into her neck and I explored her chin with my tongue. Who needed fancy words when we had this? I didn't. When we sank to couch, Gail pulled me on her lap, her mouth trailing a line of kisses long my neck and the valley between my breasts.

"You are so beautiful Holly and I've missed you so much." I heard her say before her lips found mine once more and she coaxed them apart so that her tongue could probe them in an erotic exploration that made me tremble.

I was unaware that Gail had pulled the only button holding the shirt in place until I felt the cool air on my breast and she cupped the soft mound in her hand. I closed my eyes as sensation ripped through me and I held my breath as her head lowered and she took one hard peek into her mouth. Pleasure overwhelmed me and I arched my back, linking me arms around her neck to hold her to her task of suckling me.

"Your breasts were always incredibly sensitive." Gail said thickly as she transferred her attention to my other nipple, but I was beyond speech, beyond conscious thought and I groaned when her tongue tormented the throbbing peek, my fingers scrabbling at the buttons on her top in my desperation to feel the warmth of her body against mine.

Gail's skin was beaded with sweat and I ran my fingers hungrily over her, feeling the thud of her heart beneath my fingertips and she leaned into my touch when my hands grazed her nipples but when I felt the dildo part of the strap on slide between my legs instantly I tensed and she must have sensed my withdrawal because she removed the toy and her lips sought mine once more in reassurance, stroking over them, slow and sweet, before deepening the kiss so that I was utterly lost and I sighed my delight.

"So …" Gail said removing her lips from mine and I groaned in sheer frustration. "Only once with a real penis and none with a dildo" she confirmed looking at me. I watched the muscles in the back of her neck tensed. Like the reality of what she was about to embark on was finally dawning on her. She looked troubled. "Tell me about your first time." She asked.

"Why?" her request surprised me even as my mind fended off the haze that had taken it over. I slowly eased off her lap and got more comfortable on the couch.

"I want to better understand. You seemed scared just now."

I considered her for a long moment. Then I said. "I lost my virginity at a party when I was fifteen. I gave it away to the first boy who looked at me, because I was scrawny and awkward, didn't really know myself back then and just wanted someone to notice me. He didn't even ask me my name." and it was the last part that I regretted the most. I had given to him something so precious and he hadn't even bothered to learn my name.

Gail swore under her breath.

I shrugged. "I hardly remember most of it. Mostly I remember discomfort the pain. I hadn't been aroused .. Lubricated enough so his entry was …" I trialed off. "but I was lucky not to have found myself pregnant."

Gail scowled. "Didn't the boy use protection?"

"I don't know and I was too scared to ask."

"But surely ..." Gail's jaw clenched, then she forced herself to relax.

"Baby its okay …" I touched her cheek. "Tonight I get a do over … with you."

"Okay, we'll make love using the strap on, but if at anytime you want to stop. I will Holly."

My throat convulsed. "You'd do that?"

Something in Gail softened. "I want you to enjoy this; it's not just for my pleasure but ours." She rose to her feet and held out her hand. "I want you. Need to make love to you Holly Stewart" she told me purposely saying my name. Gail wanted me to know that she knew exactly who I was, unlike the boy who had stripped me of my virginity. "I promise this won't be like your first time." I nodded and gave her my hand as she led me to the awaiting bed.

When Gail kissed me again it was no longer for reassurance but with mutual primal need. She coaxed the shirt off my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, leaving me naked and I watched her release a ragged breath as her eyes took me in greedily. She encouraged me to lie on the bed and I curled to my side watching as she slowly shed her own clothes. It was a measured teasing striptease for my amusement, and inch by inch she revealed the curves, arches and edges that I longed for. She even threw her underwear at me in the grand finale.

"You like uh?" she grinned.

"No … I love …" I whispered.

She took the strap on off the nightstand and held it before us, a slow smile spread over her beautiful features. The sexy quirk of her mouth, the challenge in her eyes, flooded with me with unadulterated desire. I knew what was coming next. "I'll be right back." she said before heading to the bathroom.

When Gail returned she was wearing the strap on and I felt oddly bashful so much so that I looked away from her and she chuckled. I felt nervous and shy all things I hadn't experienced my first time. I felt her ease onto the bed next to me and I turned over to my other side as she laid behind me, curled close against me, spoon like, her hand free to stimulate my breasts. Gail's caresses created an almost painful gathering of increasing sexual tension in the pit of my stomach and between my legs.

I felt it at my back, it surprised me at first. I'd momentarily forgotten she'd been wearing it, but I felt it pressed firmly at my back, like a coaxing reminder of what was to come. I wantonly pressed against it simultaneously feeling the tautness of her breasts against my back and I heard her moan at the touch. Gail kissed the back of my neck and nibbled playfully on my ear. She stroked my body, eliciting breathy sighs from me. Her hand ventured to my thigh, curving toward the inside, between the quivering fleshes of my legs searching out my warm wet canal.

It had been too long; I thought feverishly, my body instantly went aflame as Gail caressed me with long fluid strokes and I reached back clinging to her, my fingers raking her thigh as my need for her grew desperate and her touch became even more intimate.

Gail had become the master of my pleasure zone, her fingers coupled with the seductive rotation of her hips and kisses on my neck, left me melting, dissolving, and delightfully loosing my mind. My body went limp with abandon and when my climax came every part of my body was agonizingly responsive. Gail held me for a long time afterwards whispering in my ear. I eventually turned over seeking her mouth and snuggled into her arms. I felt her knee ease my leg open in blatant invitation and she searched my eyes for any signs of hesitation but she found none.

I reached for the bullet and gently inserted it and turned it on low. This caused her to groan her pleasure. The sound came from deep within her and she closed her eyes as the sensations overwhelmed her senses. I carefully wrapped my hand around the dildo as I eased on my back and gave her minimum guidance. There was only a moment of hesitation on her apart as she slowly entered me. The fluttering channel in my body opened to receive her making her entry a fluid slippery slope. Her hands cupped my bottom and she pressed as deep as she could. My eyes widened in pleasant surprise as she seemed to stretch me and I moaned my contentment.

With the gentle twist of my hips, I urged her into movement. My body arched as she began to move within me, her eyes squarely focused on me. Seeing every emotion and hearing every cry of pleasure she elicited from me. Each thrust sent her deeper and deeper, driving me over the edge and I cried her name as she sent me hurling over the edge. She was right behind me, my own name torn from her throat before she slumped on top of me. I turned off the bullet and removed it but it was a while before our bodies relaxed and she eased out of me. I stroked her back and kissed her and showered her with words of appreciation and love.

"Your climax was…beautiful" she said finding her voice and I blushed looking away for a moment. She smiled at me and rolled to her back, pulling a pillow under her head.

"Thank you .." I whispered looking back. "What you did was really wonderful."

"Anything for you" she told me before she kissed me again. "Ready for round two?" she inquired with a grin and I laughed. "Come on top ..." she coaxed

"Are you sure?"

Gail nodded. "There is a cowgirl in you somewhere Holly." Gail encouraged. "Think of me as your mount."

I could not hide the expressions of wonder and possibilities expanding in my mind as I sat atop her, straddling her. I slid my body along the length of the dildo. She licked her lips at that and I leaned forward and licked her breasts, the contact made her close her eyes and groan, her body trembled.

"This feels wondrous" I whispered. I leaned over Gail, my hands braced on either side. I felt her lift my hips and pressed me back down again, showing me the moment. She was taking this being 'my first time' to a whole new level. I appreciate her efforts. As I experiment on my own, she caressed my breasts, molding and tugging, rubbing my nipples between her fingers. She watched the passion lit in my face, the intensity of it as I struggled for my own climax. Gail came up on her elbow to kiss me, and then gathered my breast like a ripe mango in her mouth. With every stroke I grew bolder and she arched her hips to thrust in me ever deeper. When I found my release, she fell back on the bed, catching my hips to grind against her as she pulled me down and kissed me. She rolled me to my back and gently slipped out of me and I cuddled to her, resting my head on my shoulder as my body shook happily.

"I love you …" I whispered that night.

"I'll love you more …" she told me.


	36. All you ever did

I woke the next morning to the sound of water running in the bathroom. Lazily, I turned my head to look at the pillow next to me and run my fingers over it. The pillow still held the indentation of Gail's head and memories of the exquisite lovemaking shared with her the night before tumbled through my mind causing a soft smile to form on my lips. It had all been …. Wonderfully erotic. You know like the first time you discovered the joys of role playing…

I closed my eyes wanting to keep the memories at bay, but then again not really wanting to. Who wouldn't want to recall one of the best sexual experiences of their life? The way beads of sweat from Gail's forehead had run down my breasts had been titillating. The way the muscles in her arms and biceps had flexed with each thrust had been breathtaking. The way she'd looked at me when my release broke free like a kite in the wind had been … heart stopping and breath catching. She loved me and had wanted the experience to be all it could have been and it had.

It had been more to be honest. Regrettably … it had been more.

I had no regrets about making love using the strap on with Gail. None. I didn't. It had been a stolen night, a gift to ourselves that I would always cherish. What I regretted was my response to it. Boy had I responded to it and now in its aftermath I was left feeling confused and like I'd betrayed a fundamental part of me. How could something I'd feared for the better part of eighteen years been so enjoyable? So I had decided that I was not going to make a habit of using the device. We would take it out for special occasions. Very special occasions…. Even if it _had _been wonderful.

"Ugh .." I sighed. Thinking about last night lovemaking had taken me down a rabbit hole and had effectively stirred my loins and set my body in flames once more. I glanced over at the strap on, which sat on the night table. Even as my body tried to betray my mind. I battled to find reason to deny myself just one more experience with it. "No …" I told it. "Not anytime soon. I prefer fingers. Gail's fingers." I scowled but it mocked me with silence. Deafening silence. It knew I had liked it.

Falling back against my pillow, in a mood that could only be aptly described as sheer sexual frustration. Which didn't make sense because I had found sexual release four hours prior. I reached beneath the sheet and touched myself. Just to take the edge off …I told myself and that edge turned into a precipice, which I had no choice but to go over and satisfy… and satisfy.

"Good morning." Gail said quietly at the bathroom door, she was completely dressed and leaning against the door frame. I stilled. Panic raked my features before I removed my hand and shot upright in bed.

"Huh? Uh …Good morning." I sounded breathless.

Gail edged closer, her steps deliberate. "Were you just masturbating Holly?" blue eyes and dark brows inquired.

"What?!" I shook my head fiercely, my loose ponytail becoming undone even as I clung the sheets to my naked body. "Why would I be doing that?! We like just had sex …"my voice trailed off.

Gail reached for my right hand and took two of my fingers to her mouth and to my shock and surprise. She sucked them and I swallowed hard at the knot in my throat and I stared at her. "Yeah … you were defiantly masturbating." she decided rising and I just looked at her aghast completely void of thoughts and words.

She just sucked on my fingers!?

"No…" I said mortified as she dug in her duffle for something. I was still lying for some reason, even in the face of such damning evidence.

"Holly..." she said rising having produced socks from her bag. "I'm fine with it, really. Enjoy yourself."

"Well …" I felt uneasy for some reason. "Do you want to join me?" I asked trying to be inclusive all of a sudden.

"No." Gail decided quickly. "Heading out to get us breakfast. I'm starved. You wore me out last night but next time ... I get to watch the entire show." She winked before leaving the bedroom and I collapsed against the pillows once more.

"Ugh!" I groaned for the second time that morning. Feeling totally frustrated both for not being able to finish and her refusal to join me, I swung my legs off the bed and headed off to have a shower.

* * *

"Are you wearing that today?" Gail asked her eyes roaming over me as I entered the kitchen. It was about twenty minutes later and she was at the dining table with a box of muffins, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper.

"Yeah, why?" I took a breath as Gail's gaze roamed over my admittedly disheveled appearance, but it was a Sunday and I'd dressed in a hurry. Grabbing the first items of clothing from the closet. A faded and paint spattered jeans short and a t-shirt that had shrunk in the wash so that it clung to my body, drawing attention to the fact that I wasn't wearing a bra. The atmosphere in the kitchen was suddenly sizzling with electricity as Gail focused on my breasts and on queue I felt them swell and tighten.

"Are you cold sweetheart?" she queried mockingly.

"No." I snapped and I folded my arms across my chest in an effort to hide the prominent peeks of my nipples.

Gail laughed lightly, amusement dancing in her eyes before she took a sip of her coffee. "Come here …" she said her tone demanding and when I moved to her, she pulled me down on her lap, straddling her. "Why are you being so prudish all of a sudden? First with the … masturbation and now this? Its me …"

"I just want there to be some mystery between us." I shrugged looking everywhere expect at her.

"Mystery?! "Gail couldn't help but mockingly laugh at the word. "You are like an open book … and after last night, more like a tell all novel." I gave her a loaded look and tried to ease off her lap. "Okay okay, sorry." She apologized, her hands keeping me in place. "Mystery we shall have."

"I don't think we should use the strap on too often." I finally admitted with a pout.

"Hmm? Why not?" Gail looked visibly taken by my suggestion. "Last night you said you enjoyed it. Didn't you like it?" she asked confused. I could see the wheels in her head turning as she recalled the events of last night. "It felt like you enjoyed it. Certainly looked that way."

"I did, but maybe a little too much." I shrugged, my hands coming to rest on her shoulders.

"So? You're suppose to like it, it meant I did it right and you got over the fear." Gail said. "I don't see the problem."

"No .. not just liked it but _liked it_, like it was the best sex of my life too much." I sighed.

"Oooooh …" she said dragging the word along with my torture.

"Yeah …" I confirmed. "Do you think that it makes me less of a lesbian because I liked the depth of the penetration?"

"Uh …" It was her turn to look uncomfortable. "And you're asking me because I'm the expert on this?" she gave me that iconic dead stare.

"Well no .." I shrugged. "I'm asking you because you're the one that did the penetrating. This affects you too." Gail laughed at that.

"True … but I can't see how liking deep penetration makes you less of a lesbian. Unless I'm missing something cause I haven't finished reading my lesbian manual yet." Gail reasoned with her limited knowledge on the subject matter. "It just means your pussy like its deep, hard and fast, as I learnt last night." she laughed.

"Gail!" I slapped her shoulder playfully. "Why do you have to be so crass? Can't you call our sex parts something more appropriate?"

"Like what?" she bit into her muffin then. "Muffins and pie?"

I laughed "Yes please! That would actually work." I said also taking a bite of her muffin.

"Fine, but I only do it because I know it makes you squeamish and it's adorable…." She puckered up and not being able to deny her, I kissed her lightly. "Especially when you normally appear so cool and level headed but apparently .. puss…_pie_ gets you flustered."

"Grrr" I groaned. "How did you get to know me so well?"

"I've been paying attention…." she smiled. "But to get back on point. I don't think that makes you less of anything. It's like me saying I like anal sex so I must be a gay man."

"Wait …You like anal sex?" I asked curiously.

"No!" She flung the word venomously. "You stay away from my ass Holly!" Gail warned and I chuckled because she looked so alarmed. "It was _just_ an example…"

"Ok, okay". I touched her chin to calm her and kissed it.

"But the penetration is just the simulation you like and something we didn't know before, but now we know together. So we are better able to work it into our sex life." She explained. "Don't worry about it too much. Though I _should_ be concerned. How the hell am I going to get my fingers that far into the pie?" she joked before pressing a kiss to my forehead. "Holly, I think I'm too squeamish to be into fisting …" she admitted and we both erupted into laugher.

"Gail?" I said a few minutes later.

"Hmmm?"

"When did you get so wise and understanding?"

"Somewhere around the time I figured out you were a little bit crazy." Gail laughed lightly. "And for this to work we both couldn't be unhinged."

"You think I'm crazy?" I laughed.

"Absolutely! Crazy in love with me" she grinned and I kissed her again, because well. She was right I was crazy in love with her.

* * *

"Baby I'm home …" I said entering my apartment later that evening. I had been called into work earlier to look at some bones that had been unearthed in the community park, even though it was my day off. Mackenzie's unexpected departure had us were sorely understaffed. "I picked up takeout for dinner." I announced but Gail was no where to be found. The lights were off, the TV wasn't on. In fact there was no sign of life anywhere in the apartment, but I knew she was here, she said she would be.

I ventured to the bedroom, where I found her sitting on the railing of the fire escape. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest as she looked into the evening, night was drawing near. She was unaware of my presence though and I was able to study her closer, drinking her in.

Gail looked older, I realized with a pang. Like she'd aged in the past four hours since I'd seen her. She looked sullen, like something had upset her or just saddened her mood.

Suddenly Gail looked up and trapped my gaze, but instead of feeling embarrassed that I'd been caught staring. I was shocked by the bleakness in her sapphire eyes before her lashes fell, concealing her expression.

"Sergeant Best called…" she sighed.

I dropped my bag on the bed and went out to the fire escape to her. To my dismay it was chilly and I hugged myself to fend off the cold. "What did he say?"

"He said …" I watched her sigh and look into the night once more. "The meeting has been rescheduled."

"To when?" I asked touching her folded arm.

"Tomorrow … 8am." Gail sighed pulling me into her arms and I burrowed deeper into her to safeguard against the cold as well hoping that my presence provided some measure of reassurance in the face of the darkness that surrounded us.


	37. All you ever did 2

"Shhhh…" I said rubbing Gail's back after waking up for the second time that night from fits of screams and generally just Gail tossing uncontrollably in the bed. It was the second nightmare that night but I suspect the same one. "Baby its ok … I'm here. You're home." I whispered as she clung to me, her body shaking beneath the covers. They had gotten no better or worst just more of the same. The only time she didn't have them, was when she was completely exhausted from making love with me. So since Gail's return we'd had one singular night without me waking up in terror.

Her therapy sessions just weren't working fast enough to ease my troubled mind. Gail had told me it was a slow process before there would be some light at the end of the tunnel. She'd assured me this was all part of the process. She'd after all been through this before and wasn't scared to face the road to recovery. But what about the roads she faced in the black of night, when she was neither conscious nor a willing participant? Those roads I had to gently guide her from when I am summoned in the dead of night to hold her close and keep away demons that she believed weren't really there? It was about an hour later before sleep found me again but it wasn't sleep, so much as it was resting my eyes before the morning drew near.

Ringing …

A phone was ringing, something in my deep subconscious told me that my phone was ringing but I was too tired from lack of sleep to reach for it, but it kept ringing and ringing. Who could be this determined at this hour of the morning? I wondered, but my mind drew blanks, all my friends were lazy buggers who would have given up after the third ring and send a text message. This person had redialed after my voicemail had picked up on the tenth ring. Persistent much? I tried to move, to sit up in bed but Gail clung to me like glue and my only body part free was my hand, so I reached over, shuffled contents on my nightstand and finally found the offending device.

"Hello?" I growled not bothering to look at the caller id. It was my dad with a warm greeting and I smiled even in my tired sulky state. It was always good hearing from him. "Um… yes. That's today." I whispered after a momentary pause. I felt Gail roll away and I was finally able to sit up in bed and get out of it. The morning was chilly and my pajama bottom and white spaghetti top were not enough to fight the biting cold that reached me once I removed the covers causing me to quickly reach for my sweater. Awkwardly I pulled it on, while holding the phone shoulder to ear as I spoke. "How did you hear about that?" I whispered again as I left the bedroom and closed the door before making my way into the living room. I was confused as to how my dad knew about Gail's committee meeting. I hadn't mentioned it to him. "You have friends in high places? Ok." I shrugged. "Ah .. yes 8 am…" I confirmed. "I don't know dad .." I admitted. I didn't know if the prognosis was going to be good. I moved into the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker, leaning on the counter as I watched it. "I don't know dad, she seems okay with whatever is going to happen today, but we aren't exactly holding hands and discussing it to death." I frowned. "I know … I am concerned, this is her job, her career …I just. I don't know." I sighed. "Help? What kind of help are you offering?" I asked him. "Oh …"

* * *

"Sweetie, if you pull on it any tighter, you're going to hang me with it." Gail said touching my shoulders. "That's what those guys behind the door are for …" she said lightly. I think she was trying to make a joke.

"Hmm?" my brain felt scrambled by fear as I tried to fix her tie for the millionth time that morning. Just maybe if she looked sharp enough in her uniform, they would show her some leniency? My logic wasn't sound today, in fact it was nonexistent. I was running on sheer emotions and none of the good ones. As far as I was concerned it was currently half past nerves and nausea as we waited outside the conference room at fifteenth division that morning.

I felt Gail steady my shaky fingers, with her equally shaky ones. It was mild comfort to know she was worried as well. A part from her hands, she looked collected. Her blue eyes barely blinked her jaw tight and her mood unreadable. "My tie … thanks for fixing it." she said gently as our hands slid from her noose.

"Ooo…k" I breathed, which felt like a hard task today.

"Do you have to go into work soon?" Gail asked and I looked at her with a slight frown. I had work at 8am, thirty minutes time. "Its okay if you have to go. This may take long…I just…"

She was asking me to stay. Didn't she know I wasn't about to leave her? Work or no work. "I'll wait for you." I told her. "No matter how long." she seemed to relax then, but her hold on my fingers told me otherwise. I wanted to reassure her that everything was going to be okay, but whom was I kidding. I couldn't promise that. I just didn't know what was going to take place.

They had questioned or rather grilled me for days after the incident. I just hoped I hadn't said anything that could hurt Gail's career. Steve had said to just tell the truth and that's what I did, nothing more, nothing less. I just now hope that the truth would be our saving grace today, because most times its not. It's just not and as much as we hate to admit it sometimes a good lie curbs the danger, stops the disaster. We were heading into danger and a disaster was imminent.

"Hey ..." I felt Gail touch my cheek. "Where did you go just now?"

"Baby I'm worried. What if… " The words spilled from my lips before I could stop them. I should have stopped them, but if she was no longer a Peck and no longer a Police Officer. What would she be? And for purely selfish reasons, what would that mean for us? How could we still be together if I cost her, her name and her job? I would have ripped her off her identity. No amount of _"I love yous"_ could fix that surely?

"Whatever decision is made today. You and I are going to be fine Holly." She said speaking directly to my unvoiced fears. She pulled me into a hug and I held on for dear life, like this may just be the last time I get to hold her. Cause even though her words had been clear and her conviction strong. I just didn't believe her. I didn't think we could survive a worst case scenario.

"Officer Peck, we are ready." A senior police officer said walking up to us and we forcibly parted, my hands unconsciously straightening Gail's uniform.

"Thank you Sir." Gail said. "I'll be right in." he left us with a nod and Gail turned to me. I felt her fingers run through my hair and her eyes locked with mine. I tried not to look away; she was looking for strength and reassurance in them. I hoped I could provide strength and reassurance. I watched her shoulders stiffen and I saw her take a deep breath before she kissed me and I kissed her with a need and a fear I hadn't quite known the extent off until that moment.

"I love you …" I breathed between our parted lips as my fingers smoothed over the medallion under her uniform. "He'll protect you in there." I promised. "And I'll have your back out here." I pressed another kiss to her lips. "Baby … dont keep them waiting …" I told her as I eased from her embrace, but she seemed reluctant to go.

I was reluctant to let her go.

So we just stood there in a moment that was not measurable by time, but only by emotions as my back pressed against the white wall, her forehead rested against mine, our eyes closed, our breathing even but our hearts heavy before I finally felt her move away and I watched her walk into the room. I was appreciative for the support the wall provided as I reached for a chair and slummed into it and waited.

* * *

"How did it go?" I asked anxiously once I saw Gail leave the room. She'd gone into the office at 8 am and now it was 12 pm. I had sat in that chair unmoving, watching the door for the past four hours. Tracey, Steve, Chris, Dov and even my sister had all stopped by. Each trying to offer comfort and words to calm shaky nerves, but each had failed. Stiffly I rose from the self inflicted prison that was the chair and stretched my stiff legs as she came closer. "How did it go?" I repeated.

"I don't know …" her response was glum. "We are on a break, we reconvene in one hour." Gail told me as she looked out to the end of the passage where police officers could be seen hurriedly walking back and forth and there was a flurry of noises from the bullpen. A place where Gail surely wanted to be, but she was stuck here in this white, empty hallway with me and whoever was just beyond the door.

"So what are they saying? Did they ask you any questions?" I asked the anxiety in my voice was undeniable. "Does it look bad or good?" I probed.

"Sweetie .. I don't…" she said rubbing the back of her neck.

"Did they give any indication of how they would decide?" I pressed, but she only looked to the end of the hallway her eyes clouding over with what looked like sadness. "Gail please, talk to me! Tell me something? Anything, how bad is it?"

"Stop asking me questions Holly!" she suddenly growled causing me to recoil. "That's all they've been doing all morning!" she flung. "and every question was an accusation! Like another nail in my coffin!"

"I'm sorry …"

"Are you? Are you really sorry!?" she spat. "You told them that Mackenzie and I have had issues in the past?!"

"They asked, what was I suppose to do?"

"You lie Holly! You lie!" Gail flung. "You tell them that Mac and I were doing just fine like two peas in a pod. Cause now because of YOU they think I _wanted_ to hurt Mackenzie and that I used the drug as an excuse to do just that!"

"I never meant for this to hurt you, I just wanted to tell the truth."

"Now YOU want to be TRUTHFUL?" Gail scoffed no doubt remembering my less than honest approach to everything else. Getting her to the Penny with the aid of Chris. Lying about Mac trying to kiss me at the bar. Sneaking around at the strip club, lying about how her hitting me hadn't affected me at first and more recently about the masturbation.

"I'm sorry. I really am." I finally responded.

"I may loose my job Holly." Gail said calmer but no less annoyed as she loosened her tie and took of it off. "I've worked so hard for this …and I'm just going to loose it" she sighed handing the tie to me.

"Maybe we should call your mother …" I suggested out of the blue, but it had been on my mind for the past four hours. "And do what she asked ...I could leave…save your career." It was a foolish yet painful suggestion but I needed to give Gail an out.

Any out…I had been the singular cause of this.

"No!" Gail's objection was clear. "Don't you dare suggest that again. Ever!" her distain evident "I am NOT asking my mom for help, especially if it means loosing you." She told me, but I knew she could understand the benefits of my suggestion, even if she blindly refused to acknowledge it. "We are not asking anyone for help. Whatever decision is made, we deal with it together and I don't want you playing a fucking martyr. I'd think of you less if you did."

"Okay" I sighed heavily not wanting to fight with her anymore. "Do you want us to go? Get a bite to eat … until?"

"No." Gail said for a second time but calmer. "I'm about to loose my job Holly. I just need sometime to process it all. I just need a moment to myself." She sighed.

"Okay" I breathed. "I can give you that."

"Thank you." she said before she slowly headed down the hallway and Gail disappeared into the crowed of police officers busy on the job of serving and protecting. Their only goal was to serve and protect. Gail wanted to be able to do just that. What was my goal?

I looked at my phone for a long time before I dialed the familiar number. "Dad … its me, Holly." I said once the connecting line had picked up. I looked at Gail's tie in my hand and sighed. "It looks bad, really bad." I told him. "I think I'm going to need you to make that call…."


	38. A love not to be denied

In Gail's absence Steve and Tracey had stopped by to lend a second round of support. They had brought me a sandwich and a canned soda as well. I greatly appreciated that, I was hungry but still hadn't left the chair. I wanted to be there for Gail's eventual return. We were huddled together our moods pensive as we discussed multiple scenarios on how her meeting would pan out. None of Steve's or Tracey's scenarios seemed promising, but I did not volunteer my ace in the hole.

"Maybe desk duty for a while?" Tracey suggested. "I mean Gail did catch a serial killer. They wouldn't still fire her after all that?"

"She left a respected civilian and valuable member of our medical lab in a coma for days …" Steve injected.

"Maybe your godfather will help?" Tracey asked.

"Only if mom asks and she's not asking." Steve frowned.

"Gail's a fighter. She will show them, that they need her on the force." Tracey added.

"She better fight. She's a Peck … a police offer. I'm almost ashamed to admit this." Steve sighed. "But there is nothing else."

"What do you think Holly?" Tracey asked me.

"I think whatever decision is made she can handle it." I responded.

"But what if she can't?" Tracey asked. Just before Gail's presence loomed over us.

"Yes and what if I can't handle it? What then? What becomes of poor Gail, will it break her?" Gail barked at us.

"Baby we were just thinking out loud." I said getting to my feet. "We weren't suggesting that you couldn't..."

"No Holly! What does become of the only Peck that couldn't cut it as a police officer?" Gail's question was met with silence stares. "Well don't you all answer at once?" Her response was icy.

"We are not the enemy." Steve said standing. "We'll help you through whatever the outcome." He held her shoulder firmly, steadying her, focusing her. "You don't know what the outcome is as yet and until you do. You need to do what you do best. You need to fight Gail. Fight for your job. Fight for your right to serve and protect. Cause no matter whatever short comings you may have. You're a damn good police officer, you were made to wear this uniform." He told her "Am I making myself clear?" he asked in the silence. "You fight Gail, you fight to the end."

"Ok" she said catching a ragged breath before he pulled her into a hug. The kind that only big brothers who wanted to love and protect you could provide.

"You are going to get through this." Tracey said offering her own words of support as Gail moved to hug her. "You are stronger than this and you have been through worst."

"We have to get back on duty, but we will check in later." Steve said once Gail and Tracey parted.

"Ok" Gail and I nodded. With a few final words of encouragement they departed and I was left in the hallway with Gail. "Come here ..." I whispered and when she moved to me I took her tie and repositioned it around her neck. "It's going to be okay Gail." I said fixing her tie before I held it in place with the clip.

"You think so?" it was an honest question.

I nodded. "But if its not. We'll get through it together. You said so remember?"

It was her turn to nod. "I did."

"Good because we _will _get through this together." I held Gail by her tie as I kissed her one final time before sending her off to face and fight both our fears.

* * *

"Dr. Stewart?" a voice said and I opened my eyes to see an older gentleman looking down at me. I had closed my eyes for a moment, but had apparently fallen sleep. My battery was half charged and the day in its slow progression had made me weary.

"Yes that's me." I confirmed stifling a yawn as I straightened in the chair.

"Bill Peck" he said extending a hand to me. "Gail's father." He said confirming what I had already begun to suspect.

"Inspector Peck …" I said his name somewhat dazed. "Hi. It's good to meet you." I recovered shaking his hand.

"Please call me Bill."

"Only if you call me Holly" I smiled.

He took a seat beside me then and I watched him frown slightly as his attention was drawn away from me and to Gail just beyond the closed door and I watched his aging features sullen before my eyes. I could not imagine how hard this must all have been on him. His wife and his daughter, the two women he loved more in this world than anything else were at odds. How did he find balance and peace between two such strong willed opposing personalities?

"Bill …"

"I have been meaning to come by and see you and Gail sooner ..." he finally said on hearing his name. "I know Gail believes that my silence means I've taken her mother's side. I have not." He assured. "Gail … She has never been a happy person, but Steve says that with you she been happy and sad … but mostly happy. That should count for something." He decided. "Sometimes in life as parents we struggle. We want what's best for our children but often times fail to realize that what's best for them is not what we envisioned. Elaine and I failed to envision you Holly… and your presence has left a rift in my family that I am struggling to repair." He admitted. "But I am a reasonable man, a mature man in my thinking and compassionate in my understanding of things that are … different. Therefore I can accept this for what it is. A love between two people …"

"Thank you sir."

Bill shook his head at me. "Don't thank me, I should have said this sooner, rather than now when the damage has been done. The damage to my daughter has been done Holly. I just hope that in time Gail can forgive me for the part my silence played in this." He told me. "I want to thank you for being here today for Gail, waiting, supporting, and loving her through this difficult time. Today may be the first of much more difficult days to come. I want to do what I can to help Gail …as any father would when they see their child suffering …her career is suffering, but I am stuck between being morally good by trusting the system that I have spend decades serving and openly defying my wife who I have spend decades loving." He sighed. "I want to trust the system that I have told many officers to believe in but my faith is weak. This is Gail's second strike; the system can be very unkind to those who continually defy it and Elaine believes a lesson needs to be learnt. I think that lesson has been learnt. Don't you?"

I nodded. "It's been learnt."

Bill Peck patted my knee then and got to his feet. "She's not taking my calls, but if you can reason with her. Ask her to call me please. Its time to put our family on the mend."

"I'll try …"

"That's all I can ask Holly." He said before leaving.

* * *

"So we separate into whites, darks, delicates, jeans and towels." I explained as I sorted our combined laundry on the floor of my apartment. "Delicates have to be hand washed, but everything else you can put in the washer." Gail was perched on the washing machine listening to me, or at least I hoped she was as she flipped through one of my medical journals. "There are two types of fabric softeners …this one" I said holding up a green bottle. "Is for the whites, darks and delicates and …" I held up a blue bottle, to which she glanced at me. "This one is for jeans and towels … Are you getting all this?" I asked.

"Yeah sure …" she said and I raised a brow at her. "I am, but what are delicates?"

"Gail!" I fussed throwing my bra at her.

"Sweetie I'm playing …panties, bras, slips, camisoles ... delicates." She smiled.

"Maybe you should write it down …" I frowned getting to my feet.

"Why should I write it down? Is there a test afterwards?" she challenged.

"Will you remember if there is?"

"Depends …"

"On?"

"The reward for passing…" she said patting the dryer top.

"No, absolutely not!" I said shooting down the idea immediately. "I am still paying for that by salary deduction. We cannot afford to dent it." I laughed.

"Fine" she playfully frowned. "But I got this Hol …our laundry will be sparkling clean when you get home later." She reached for my hand and pulled me between her legs. "Besides what else am I going to do with all my free time?"

I frowned; she had a lot of free time.

"Hey …don't look so glum. I'm just making fun…two weeks suspension, eight weeks of duty working the evidence room, ten weeks anger management sessions. Is not so bad given what's happened." She lifted my chin and smiled. "Then I'm back to full duty … I really thought I was going to be fired…"

"I'm really happy you weren't."

"No more than me Holly. I couldn't cut it as anything else but a cop." Gail sighed. "I must have a guardian angel out there…" she wondered out loud. "Cause the impossible happened …remind me to thank them if I ever get a chance meet them." She said before kissing me and I wanted to tell her that my dad had helped but didn't. Sometimes we do things for the people we love, because we can, not because we want recognition for it. "Now what else on this house cleaning list do I need to know about." She said easing off the washing machine.

"It's not so much as another chore but a surprise …" I led Gail to the bedroom room and opened the walk in closet. "I cleared the entire left side for you, plus two shelves, space for shoes … and three draws in the chest." I told her. "That way you can have space for your things, instead of throwing them in your bag …

"Or tangling up my disorganized bundle with your military style folded everything?" Gail added amused with herself.

"Well … yes there is that too" I admitted. " but more so that you feel less like a visitor when you are here."

"Holly, are you hoping that I'd feel so much less like a visitor that I'll just move all my stuff in and never leave?"

"Would that be so bad?" I said moving towards her.

"Are you asking me to move in?"

"I am …"

"Then you're going to have to give me half of the right side of the closet too. I have a lot of clothes" she laughed.

"Consider it done." I agreed pressing my lips to hers. "What no u-haul jokes?" I asked once we parted.

"Nope!" Gail grinned. "We've been through enough to last a life time. Exes, commitment issues, cheating, , danger on the job, Job loss … I'm surprised we aren't married with kids by now…"

* * *

"Group, we have a new couple with us today …" the group leader for the couples's therapy session said as Gail and I approached the small circle of people seated in the gym at the community center. The group leader was a small woman, with a distinct British accent and a warm sunny demeanor. "Ladies, thank you for joining us. I'm Lisa …" she offered.

"Hi, I'm Gail and this is my partner Holly." Gail said by way of introductions as we took our seats. Being here today had been Gail's idea much to my chagrin. She had seen a flyer for the class on the notice board during one of her many trips to the center, where she had her anger management classes. The anger management classes seemed unnecessary, anyone who knew Gail, knew she didn't have anger management issues, but Gail had convinced me that the couples class would be good for us. Help us to communicate …Help me to communicate better and trust he relationship more. She understood that our relationship had been through much and that we needed an outlet to express all that had happened and learn better techniques on how to handle challenges as they come. Following her to a strip club was not a solution to be repeated.

"So ladies, tell us about yourselves and why you are here" Lisa encouraged.

"Well I'm a Police Officer and Holly is a Forensic Pathologist ..." Gail began.

"You guys are like Rizzoli and Isles?" the lady to my left said and I looked at her slightly alarmed but relaxed when Gail touched my knee.

"No Rizzoli and Isles aren't a couple like they are." a man said.

"That's right , its just subtext, writers trying to fool us …" his wife added. "Holly and Gail are what Rizzoli and Isles could be …but more like the Fosters …" and the group laughed. I laughed too, because well, there are worst things to be compared to than two hot TV couples.

I relaxed as the session progressed, easily talking about how Gail and I met, what interest we found in each other and my fears at the start. The other couples talked too, expressing their own fears at the start of their relationships and how they eventually overcame them. They offered sage advice to us, especially being the youngest couple there and by the end of the day, Gail and I found acceptance in a group of people we otherwise would not have known.

"I'm in the mood for pie Holly." Gail said as she pushed the community center door open ahead of me as we were leaving two hours later.

"You know what me too." I agreed. I really could have done with something sweet in my mouth just about now. "There should be a bakery around here." I said pulling my car keys out my purse as we walked the small distance to the car.

"I don't think they have the kind of pie I'm interested in."

"Really?" I frowned slightly. The bakery had everything. I had been quite impressed the few times I'd been there. "They do have a wide variety. Apple, blueberry, peach, chocolate pecan, coconut. What kind are you in the mood for babe?"

Blue eyes danced at me before Gail draped an arm around my shoulders and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "I'm in the mood for open all night, leg over my shoulder full access pie …"

THE END

* * *

AN: Crew it's been a blast these past 3 months! I really enjoyed sharing this story with you; I hoped you enjoyed reading it. I loved all your comments; they were the best part of writing this story. Thanks for taking this journey with me sticking through all 38 chapters. I know they have been hard to process; there have been some rough seas and at times it was just plain heartbreaking. It broke my heart too, but we got through it right?... Barely Lol

_Just a few shout outs …_

Auggy .. a "Good Chapter" on every chapter from you, got me through the early days and made it worth writing to the end. Thank you for the never ending support.

Annbanna … I think I'm gonna miss writing for you most of all.

Poisondart … I'm going to miss our chats about the story. Your mind is intriguing.

Mel, lunalight, ragingscooter, chickenet, oceanchic … I double and triple read your reviews, cause they were just always amazing.

Banks …. For well just being you and all that you mean to me. Thank you for the never ending love and support.

And which ever Guest who keeps posting _"Love it need more now!"_ It's because of you this story was update so often.

It's been great guys' thanks for your time.

Toni (The Captain)


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